Three Years . . .

So much has happened in three years. I have been walking a path that is more painful than I ever could have imagined. This is something that no one in the world could have prepared me to experience. I thought I was ready. I thought I expected the news.  The reality was and is that I wasn't ready at all. Now that I think about it how could I have been?

Three years ago I received the call that my dad's body had finally given up. He was no longer in physical pain. He was no longer in living with regret of how his life could have been different. He was somewhere between Earth and Heaven. He was gone.

Three years later I still reach for the phone to call him. I still look for emails from him. I still catch my breath when something suddenly reminds me of him. I still need his advice. I still need his guidance. I still . . . I still miss him deeply.

I remember his one liners. I remember his deep laugh. I remember when I was seven what his nickname was for me (Baby). I remember him listening time and time again as I cried hysterically. I remember him wanting to take my pain away. I remember him bringing me back to calm. I remember meeting him for lunch at the mall when I was in high school. I remember our road trips to Arizona and New Mexico. I remember him giving opinions on my choice in guys. I remember our relationship changing. I remember our relationship becoming stronger. I remember him becoming my confidant. I remember him being my biggest cheerleader even though he was scared I would break my leg on the soccer field. I remember being his little girl. I remember . . .

Three years from now I hope the pain is less. I hope I am more comfortable without him in my world. I hope I remember all of the above. I hope . . .

Dad, I miss you more than I could have ever imagined. I am so thankful for the 28 years that you guided me every day to be the best that I could be. I remember it all. I wish you were here to see it all. I love you.

Remembering . . .

Twenty years ago tomorrow, August 12, 1993, my family's world was rocked to its core. We received news that my brother, Brent, had been killed during one of the worst decisions of his life. He was 20 years old. I was 11 years old.

 I can remember receiving the news like it was today. I was in California visiting my two other brothers, Todd and Mark. I was with Mark when we received the news. My mom called very late at night. Even though I knew it was her that called Mark did not share the news until the following morning. I am sure that was one of the many hard things Mark, 24 years old, had to do for his family. He seemed to be the strong one in the midst of it all, from an 11 year old's perspective. He took the trip to Phoenix, AZ to gather Brent's few remaining possessions and wrap up other loose ends.
I took my very first ride in a convertible driven my Mark's friend, Robert, through the California landscape from Palm Springs to San Diego. San Diego was Todd's home. I remember pulling up the house. Todd came out to the driveway to meet us. It was the most awkward moment. We weren't sure what to say so we just hugged.
The next 24 hours Todd, 27 years old, spent hours on the phone talking to our parents, airlines, friends, family members, etc. He spent 24 hours retelling the few details that we knew. He relived the news because he was trying to get to our family's home, Cheyenne, WY. We spent time in the airport trying to get on a flight home. I do not remember how long we were there or what kind of plane we were on, but I was in First Class. That was the first and only time I have had that privilege. I do remember the shock in the flight attendant's and other passenger's faces when I shared the reason I was on that plane. At 11 I had no idea that there was news that should be shared and news that should not be shared. Todd was sitting in Coach.
Once we all gathered in Cheyenne we were surrounded by our own grief as well as all others grief who had heard of Brent's death. My family seemed to be functioning even more as individuals than our normal. This was not a situation that brought us closer as a family.

As I reflect on the last 20 years I cannot believe that it has been so long. In the beginning some days were easier than others. After time, months would be easier than others and now it is years that are easier than others. At some point the pain becomes the normal . . . the loss becomes the normal . . . the longing becomes the normal . . . and life without him became the normal.
Sure, a lot of memories and sounds have faded over the years. I wish that wasn't the reality. Just because something is normal does not mean that it isn't at the front of my mind. There are many days that I think of him. His personality, his laughter, his smile, his love of life, his love of acting, his gift, but not love of singing, his love of sign language, and so much more are infused in my everyday life.
As I reflect on the last twenty years there is so much that he has missed. He has missed my junior high and high school years, my parents divorce, his brother's weddings, the birth of his niece, an avid softball player, and three nephews, one that looks a lot like him, one that loves football, and one that has a deep love of acting, Gary joining our family, my graduation from college, twice, giving me advice about life and love, my wedding, my choice of career, living each day without a parent and most recently his newest niece, Kearsta.

On the flip side I have missed seeing him fulfill his dreams of being an actor or a paramedic, or a nurse, or a flight for life nurse . . . he was still undecided at 20 (which is normal now), seeing him find a lifelong partner, seeing how he transformed from a 20 year old into a man with a full grown brain, the transformation of a damaged relationship with our dad, hearing about the purchase of his first home, the purchase of his first car, hearing about old and new friends, getting updated pictures, calling him late at night to share the latest drama, depending on him when I am in need, hearing about his vacation of a lifetime . . .there is just so much that I have missed as well. Thinking about this brings sorrow because he was so much more than what we remember of him. So much more that was left in him that we did not know about.
As this year passes it will be more difficult because twenty is A LOT. In a lot of ways my family is still rocked to the core. We talk about him often, but there is always the unspoken guilt that each of us feels. What could we have done differently? What could we have said? I don't believe my dad ever grieved the loss of him. I will be thinking of him a lot more tomorrow. I will be reflecting on how my life has changed because of him. I will be reflecting on the things I have done differently because of my world being rocked. I be thinking of the best ways possible to bring him to life for Kearsta. She deserves to know him too.

The Question . . .

So I am a little embarrassed that it has been so long since I have blogged. I
guess that is what parenthood does! This blog was a lifeline for me to share, process and feel better about my place in life for six months while we waited to bring a baby into our home. Now that has happened and I have been slacking. Below is a post that I started writing on March 23rd. No better time to finish it . . .

I have had a lot of people ask me if we are continuing a relationship with Kearsta's birth family. The answer is absolutely YES! At our match meeting they had asked for three to four visits a year and monthly updates. Two of the visits were specified to be Christmas and her first birthday. Derek and I had expected a lot more. I have to admit that we have been great at the visits, but I have not been so good at keeping up our share site. I can blame FB . . .

I have previously blogged about how much love we have for them. The love continues to grow as Kearsta grows. It is so special to have so many people who have unconditional love for our daughter. That is something we do not want to hinder in any way.

The first visit with Kearsta's birth family was when she was three weeks old. We went to her birth mother's house and just hung out. We ate, caught up on life and oogled over Kearsta. Her birth parents got a lot of time to love and hug on her. I cannot imagine being in her birth family's shoes and know that they have so much strength to continue to see Kearsta as she grows. Each visit is so bittersweet because we have to say see ya later at the end of our time.

 In November Kearsta's birth mom celebrated her birthday. We wanted to give her something that was timeless. At two months old we took Kearsta and her birth parents for a photo shoot. In November we were still working out the formula issues so Kearsta was still vomiting quite often. She made it through the photo shoot with little regurgitation, but let it go as we were all looking at the photos. I don't know if her birth parents were grossed out of feeling bad, but I felt horrible. Kearsta puked all over me, the floor and anything else that it could reach. After the extensive clean up we went to the Cheesecake Factory for a birthday meal! The pictures are something that will forever be in Kearsta's room. We talk about them with K so her birth parents are her normal.

At our first match meeting we had discussed seeing each other for Kearsta's first Christmas. We made the journey to Colorado Springs to see everyone in her birth family. We opened gifts, ate a wonderful meal and spent time loving on Kearsta. K was just starting to come out of the funk that babies are in until about three months. She was a little more interactive and showed some smiles throughout the day. We were far beyond spoiled by all of them. As I previously wrote I was not in the Christmas spirit this last year and felt bad that we hadn't spent more time doing for them all. On the positive note, Christmas will come again this year and I have vowed to be better!

March was a very busy time for visits with the family. At the Christmas visit we invited the birth family to Kearsta's finalization at court, the party and her baptism. All three were happening in the same weekend and they were determined to being at all of it. Derek and I knew that the finalization weekend would be full of a lot of people and business. We didn't want her birth family feeling left out so we made an impromptu trip to Colorado Springs for a visit the weekend before the festivities. It just so happened that K's birth mom was playing in an orchestra competition that weekend and it was also a surprise gathering for her mom's birthday. It was a perfect time to spend with them! The weather was absolutely horrible, but we wanted to make the trip. We left early to ensure we were there on time to hear the orchestra piece and then head to the party. When they walked around the corner Kearsta immediately went to her birth grandfather. It was one of the most heartfelt moments I have had. Every time they see each other my heart warms with the love between them. Our time continued at the gathering with some food and cake to celebrate a birthday. We left knowing that we had more to look forward to the following weekend.

Finalization weekend was hectic. Both of my brothers, a niece, a nephew and a lot of family in the area gathered for the event. It was so touching to have the bulk of my family in one place to celebrate Kearsta. At the courthouse it was an entourage. We filled up the whole courtroom with our family and friends that were there to support us and our besties! On Saturday we all gathered again for the party. We told the recreation center we had under 50 people, but I am sure we had 100 or more between our three families. Again, another beautiful display of the amount of love our girls have in their lives. To round out the weekend we baptized K on Sunday. She was baptized by my childhood pastor, Janet. She is now at a church in Highlands Ranch that we occasionally attend. She married my mom and step dad, Gary as well as me and Derek. She has been an integral part of our lives for a long time. It was so touching to have her baptize Kearsta as she told the story of her name, included ALL family members (birth family too) and shared the story of our love for the daughter of four and the granddaughter to many.

As I said, March was a busy month. For Christmas Derek and I gave K's birth father tickets to Three Days Grace, his favorite band. Of course the natural choice for his data was K's birth mother! On a Monday night we all headed off to Broomfield for an evening of fun sans baby. It was a long night, but we had so much fun. A ton of memories were made that night that brought us all even closer together!

In May Kearsta and I spent Birth Mother's Day with Kearsta's birth mom and in June Derek and Kearsta spent Birth Father's Day with Kearsta's birth dad. We wanted them to know that even though we are raising her they still have a daughter that they love and think of every day.

We continue to have very open communication with them. They have both reached out to us when they were struggling to talk or get together. Derek and I are committed to keeping them in our lives for the long haul because that is what we believe is best for all of us.

We are living a true open adoption. The word open adoption is often scary for people to hear and it was for us in the beginning (more Derek than me). There is nothing scary about any of it. We are transparent about everything and have accepted their family into ours. We have been accepted into theirs. We are here to help them in their journey as they are there to help us in ours and later to help Kearsta in hers. We don't know what the next year will bring, but we do know that it will be forever changing to meet the best interests of all involved.

The End . . .

We are four weeks away from the end of the official adoption process. Derek and I will stand in front of a judge on Friday, March 15, 2013 and swear that we will always care for and love Kearsta to the best of our ability. After a two minute conversation with the judge Kearsta's last name will officially be changed to Grady. From her birth up until our finalization day her last name has legally been her birth moms.

Finalization day has been an event for many other families that have adopted before us. We have attended the court proceedings and parties for other families that we have met through our journey to today. Our event is going to be extremely special though. Not only will we be doing our finalization on March 15th, but so will three other families. Two of the other families we consider our besties.

Our three families have spent many hours sharing the ups and downs of adoption, marriage, parenting, friendships and so much more for the last year. We all met when we were in the waiting process and our friendships have grown as we were matched, brought home our babies and muddled through parenthood! Honestly, I do not know where I would be if I would not have had them to get me through the difficult times of the process and to celebrate the joyous times of the process. I know that Derek and I are honored that Neaven and Annabelle's parents want to delay their finalization to share the day with Kearsta's parents!

We know that our girls will always have an adopted friend to share their struggles with just as their parents will always have parents of adopted children to share their struggles with. We are so excited to share in this day with all of them! And to answer Neaven's dad's question when they told us they had been matched, yes Chris, we will have our daughter's birthdays together even though they were born a month apart rather than on the same day!

Annabelle (born 08/10), Neaven (born 08/05) and Kearsta (born 09/06)

The Most Precious Gift . . .

I had a very difficult time reigning in the Christmas spirit this year. In years past Christmas has been a very enjoyable time of decorating for the holiday, shopping for others (and a little for myself) and looking forward to Christmas traditions with family. I went back to work the first week of December so Christmas just really snuck up on me. I would come home from work, snuggle Kearsta and usually take a nap with her. I was missing her so much I just didn't have the motivation for my typical Christmas spirit.

As Christmas was approaching Derek put lights up on the outside of our house and for the first time in our marriage we put up an artificial Christmas tree. I am embarrassed to say, our tree only ended up with seven ornaments on it and they were all "My First Christmas" ornaments for Kearsta!

On Christmas Eve we spent some time with Kearsta's birth family. Our family was showered with gifts from all of them, which was so unexpected! We enjoyed a few hours of food, visiting, laughing, opening presents and watching Kearsta's birth family love on her. It is such a heart warming time when we see them. The last gift that we opened was one especially for Kearsta. It was a gift that I am sure every adopted child dreams of having, the reason their birth family chose adoption. Here it is.

My Dear

Kearsta, every day I wonder, who will my little girl grow up to be? Maybe you'll be a teacher, a doctor, or a sailor on the sea.

Maybe you'll find the cure to cancer of lead America to victory.

Each day I pray that God will lead you, and that you will follow him with all your heart. But I always pray my darling, that you will not forget your start.

The day I finally met you, I fell in love at first sight. And I knew in that moment, that what my brain had said was right.

I wasn't ready for you, but I knew two people who were. They would give you a home and a life that you deserved.

Even if you never know how much I truly cried, I want you to know that I 've given you a guide.

Someone to teach you how to walk, talk and read. Someone to give you everything you need.

They will love you just as I would, if I was only able. But I'm far too young to put food on the table.

I pray that you will love them too, as much as I love mine. It is not easy to understand, I know that it takes time.

I hope each day that you will someday be exactly what the Lord has planned. But I also pray each day that you will not forget my hand.

The hand that lay upon your head the day of your birth. And the ones who held you close for all that you were worth.

I know that now you are still quite young and have long to go. I hope to show you just how much love I have for you, and everything you know.

I pray each day that you will love just as we have loved, and that you will always know that you a precious gift from above.

I pray each day that God will show you who you're meant to be, but most of all my princess, I pray that you never forget me.

Every time I see this poem, as I enter Kearsta's room, my heart fills with thankfulness. I am so thankful for open adoption. I am so thankful that Kearsta will continue to know her birth family. I am so thankful that Kearsta will be able to develop her own adoption story with truth. I am so thankful that she received the most precious gift on her first Christmas just as her father and I received her on September 8, 2012.

 Photo shoot offered by the hospital September 7, 2012

Saying "See Ya Later" . . .

As Friday evening finished up Kearsta was starting to look a little yellow. Her skin was showing signs of jaundice. Her birth father and birth aunt both had jaundice as infants so I don't think anyone was surprised when she dawned the yellowish hue. The nurses took her blood to check her levels. Sure enough she was put on the billy lights in the middle of the night Saturday.

 Our glow baby!

The medical staff told us that heredity, a different blood type from birth mom and the bruising on her head from birth all contributed to the jaundice.
As daylight dawned on Saturday we knew that it was going to be the most difficult day yet. This was the day that we would all be parting ways although we would be saying "see ya later" rather than "goodbye." We were hanging around the hospital awaiting the results from Kearsta's latest bilirubin test. We all felt as though we wanted to go home just because it was better than the hospital yet we were sad about the impending parting of ways.
Around noon Kearsta's birth parents asked everyone to leave so they could have time along with the baby. We all filed out of the room grateful that they were taking the time with their daughter. During this time the most amazing thing was unfolding. Her birth parents were doing their version of an entrustment ceremony. This is a ceremony that is exclusively for adoption. It is done is a lot of different ways such as in the hospital chapel, at a church, in the hospital room, outside of the hospital, but the idea behind it every time is that it is a time for the birth parents to tell their baby their adoption story and a placement in the adoptive parents arms. Derek and I knew that they wanted an entrustment ceremony, but we did not know what that looked like. I don't know that K's birth family knew what that looked like either until it happened.
Her birth parents called in family members one by one. Each person was in the room spending time with Kearsta, saying everything they wanted her to know and saying "see ya later." After the immediate family had their time it was our turn to enter the room. We walked in not quite knowing what to expect, but it was the most amazing experience I have had in this whole journey. Kearsta's birth parents were telling her the reasons for the adoption, their love for her and their love for us as her parents. They took Derek and my hands and introduced us to Kearsta as her parents. Derek and I cried as this was so touching and better than we ever expected. I had written a letter that I read to them during this time. The letter talked about the journey that we were walking together yet experiencing it all differently. The most important part was telling them that we loved them just as much as we loved Kearsta. We told them that they were now a part of our family and that would never change. Our social worker had told us that oftentimes birth parents feel as though all the adoptive parents were in it for was the baby and we did not want them feeling that way. After getting to know them and loving them we felt attached far beyond our connection because of Kearsta. After we read the letter they asked that we take great care of her and we told each other that we loved everything about each other and our experience together. Once Derek and I were done talking with them we left the room so they could feed Kearsta and have more time alone with her.
Once the results of Kearsta's bilirubin test came back we all packed up and moved downstairs to finish our entrustment ceremony by a beautiful waterfall on the hospital grounds. Kearsta's birth mother wanted to hand Kearsta over to me, mother to mother, right as we were leaving the hospital. Once she did the hand over her dad prayed for us. He told an amazing story about how he didn't think that they would be able to go through this process, but now he knew that they could do anything. We were all in tears.
As we walked to the car to head home Derek had a very personal moment. He experienced the feelings that his birth mother may have felt when she passed Derek on to a better life. I am so glad that Kearsta will have so many people to connect with about her adoption, anyone in her birth family and her daddy. She will not have to spend her life wondering who she looks like, who she acts like, if her birth parents like the same things, etc. My heart feels warm every time I think of all of the people who love Kearsta and know that there isn't a love for her as deep as her birth parent's love for her.
Kearsta and I still talk about her adoption story on a regular basis because we want it to be a regular part of her life. We plan on raising her having the conversations and allowing her to ask any question that she has of us or her birth family because she is just that lucky!

 

The hospital has a photography service. They came to the birth family's room and took some pictures of Kearsta when she was a day old.

Man, riding in the car is a tough job!

Hosptial Stay Day One . . .

Hospital time is stressful for any parents, but it can be extremely stressful for the birth and adoptive families. Sure, you have met and may or may not know each other well, but when the baby is involved emotions can run high. The birth family is going through emotions that I cannot imagine including reconsidering their adoption plan. As the adoptive family we were told to expect the unexpected and go with the flow. Our caseworker also said that the hospital time tends to be the most stressful for everyone involved.
Since Kearsta was born so late at night we found ourselves running on adrenaline into the early morning hours. After birth the hospital allowed one hour for the family to hold the baby before going to the nursery. After the hour Kearsta's birth father, Derek and I walked Kearsta down to the nursery to be checked out form head to toe.

As the nurse checked Kearsta over she was passing all of the requirements. Kearsta's birth mother had gestational diabetes which contributed to her large birth weight. It also can cause newborns to have a drop in blood sugar. While in the womb babies manage their blood sugar through the umbilical cord. Upon birth they suddenly lose that and the baby has to begin managing their own. The nurse checked Kearsta's blood sugar and it registered at 30. She had to have a 50 in order to be cleared for that blood sugar round. Lucky Kearsta got to eat right away! She took the bottle like a champ in her birth father's arms. After she ate we had to wait another hour before testing her blood sugar again.

After an hour Kearsta's birth mother walked down to the nursery to give Kearsta her first bath. It was a really special time for her birth parents and something that they really wanted to be involved in. We also had Kearsta's footprints and a fingerprint of each of her birth parents inked into a book about adoption called "Forever Fingerprints."
After our time in the nursery we all retreated to our rooms in hopes of getting some sleep. Kearsta went to her birth parents' room for a couple of hours and then came to Derek and my room for the remainder of the night. I remember her waking up at one point and I jumped out of bed and had her in my arms to care for her. The next morning I only had vague memories of this happening and I knew that I was exhausted!
Friday Derek and I tried to stay out of the birth family's way. We wanted them to have the time that they needed with Kearsta. We took a nap and I dealt with getting Kearsta added to my health insurance. They had some visitors and my mom and stepfather, Gary also came to the hospital to visit. Derek and I kept pinching ourselves as the time was so relaxed. There was never a point that Derek and I felt scared that Kearsta wasn't going to be coming home with us as we had been warned of by our caseworker. We continued to laugh and enjoy each others company as we passed our sweet baby girl around the room to be loved and snuggled. There was even a point in the day that we compared Kearsta's length and size to that of a foot long Subway sandwich. There were many laughs and memories made that day!

The Arrival . . .

Derek and I made the trip to Colorado Springs the evening of September 5, 2012. Kearsta's birth mother was being admitted to the hospital for an induction. It was surreal making the drive. It was the last time Derek and I would be a family of two plus a dog. It was the last time there wouldn't be another person or remnants of another person in the back seat of the car. We were giddy with anticipation although we did acknowledge the change that was coming.
When K's birth mother, birth father and birth grandparents arrived at the hospital we were so excited to see each other. We know that it was a time of fear and unknown as well for her. The whole crowd (six of us) marched up to the Labor and Delivery floor in anticipation of the arrival. I don't know what the hospital staff thought of our entourage, but I thought it was pretty cool to have so many supportive people surrounding the birth of the baby! K's birth mother got all settled in and the wait began. Derek and I were unsure of how the night would go so we offered to retreat to my parents house for the night and return in the morning. The whole family quickly said that they wanted us there for the duration of the time so I went downstairs and brought up our necessities.
That night was quite entertaining. Again, I think the hospital is used to one, maybe two people staying in the delivery room overnight. There were five of us, one hospital bed and a couch. We weren't sure what we were going to do for sleep, but honestly I didn't care. I was feeling so blessed to be experiencing this time with them. Around 11 PM the nurse came in and realized that we were all planning to spend the night. She graciously brought us the "mattresses" from the delivery beds to put on the floor along with pillows and blankets. At this point we all attempted to sleep. Let me say that the birth father and Derek got plenty of sleep including some snoring and talking in their sleep. K's birth grandmother and I were jumping at every need that K's birth mother needed along with the nursing staff coming into the room every couple of hours to check on her sleep was not something we enjoyed that night!
By 8 AM everything was rolling to have the baby. K's birth mom was a champ with the contractions and the pain. She had said that she wanted to forgo the epidural as long as possible. Honestly, I know I will never know, but I am pretty sure I would have told the doctors to put that sucker in upon admission (not an option, I know)! We spent the morning chatting about life, laughing, smiling, texting our loved ones and playing Scattegories. I was so glad that I had grabbed the games on the way out of the house because they were a great distraction for our wait. I also had Derek pick up a couple of movies to pass the time. If there is one thing I know how to do it is how to pass the time in a hospital!
There were so many great memories packed on top of the thousands that we already had with this wonderful family. I probably should have been writing a play by play so I could remember it all, but I like being surprised when I am doing something and one of those memories comes to mind. Derek and I spent the day filled with love, elation, anticipation and unknown.
Once the evening hours arrived I think all of us were becoming antsy. The nurse came in around 6 PM and said that the hardest part was about to begin. At some point our conversation turned to peaches and Palisade, Colorado. The nurse, Brook, piped in and said that she was born in Glenwood Springs and adopted by a couple in Montrose. She said that her adoptive father was a pastor so they had lived a lot of places during her childhood with the final place being Cheyenne, WY. Of course I piped up! I told her that I was from Cheyenne and asked the name of her parents. Sure enough, I knew her parents. They are best friends with my Godmother who also happens to be the grandmother of my childhood best friend. It was an AMAZING connection. Brook was due to complete her shift at 7 PM, but chose to stay with us until Kearsta made her appearance. All of us were so grateful because all we wanted for K's birth mom was a smooth delivery without extra anxiety and tension due to the unknown.
During the hardest part there were four of us there to support her. At one point we all looked at each other and realized that K's birth mom was the only one on her coaching team (both birth grandmother's birth father and me) to experience birthing a child. That quickly changed our perspective and the words we said to her. It was a trying time, but K's birth mom was amazing. She did all of the hard work and experienced all of the pain to give her family and our family the best gift in the world, Kearsta Annaliese born September 6, 2012 at 10:34 PM. She was 8 pounds 13 ounces and 21 inches long.

Kearsta's first photo op!

 She was a BIG girl! I had a moment of "oh no" because I didn't think she would fit into the newborn clothes I had packed for the hospital time. Luckily it all worked out!

Seriously . . .

I am so sick to my stomach right now I figured I should blog about it! Before Kearsta was born her birth grandmother told me that her birth mom was intolerant of milk and soy formulas as a baby. This is the type of stuff that I listen to and put in the forefront of my mind.
When Kearsta was born I asked the nursery nurse about the signs of a milk allergy and she said that we would more than likely not know until after we left the hospital. Once we arrived home we moved her to powder formula because the stuff they use in the hospital is $9 for 12 ounces. I notice a change immediately. She seemed to do much better on the ready-made formula. I had a conversation with the nurse that visited our house to monitor the jaundice about the difference between the ready-made and powdered formula. She said that there is no proof that it is difference between the two, but looking at them it is clear that there is some difference. I took off to Babies R Us that evening and bought ready-made formula. No, I didn't pay $9 for 12 ounces, I ended up buying Enfamil Infant ready-made to save some money. It was clear from the start that it was not a good fit for her.
When Kearsta was 12 days old I called her doctor looking for approval to change her formula. That was not the response that I received. Instead both the nurse and the doctor told me that it was "normal" baby stuff. Spitting up and over-exertion when pooping was "normal." I figured since she was the doctor it was so.
Soon after that we found some generous formula donors from our adoptive friends that have babies within weeks of Kearsta and Parker Adventist Hospital's Adoption Program. We were able to supply the ready-made Newborn formula to Kearsta for about two weeks. She seemed to do better on it although still excessive spitting up, vomiting and over-exertion with pooping when she did poop.
At the two week doctor's visit I brought up my concerns again. Again I was told that it was all normal. She was gaining weight and so everything else that was happening was okay. Why was I concerned?!
After we ran out of the our donation formula we moved back to the powder with the same results as before. I called the doctor again without an approval or assistance with changing the formula. At the one month doctor's appointment it escalated to an ultrasound on Kearsta's abdomen to check for blockages in her digestive tract. Everything was normal.
At five weeks old I finally got fed up. I knew something was not right. I marched off to Walmart and bought soy based formula. Kearsta was in heaven. No more spitting up and absolutely no vomiting, but it did make her extremely constipated. Out went that formula and the improvement that we had made :-(
The next step was the sensitive formula. Still milk-based, but the proteins are easier to digest. When she went on this the spitting up was less and she was able to poop, but we quickly went on a downhill slide on Monday.
Kearsta decided that she was sick of feeling crappy so she proceeded to scream for two and half hours. We did everything that we could until she finally wore herself out and went to sleep. She then awoke on our way home from her grandparent's house and was awake until 1:00 AM crying. THIS WAS NOT OUR BABY! For the first five weeks of her life she was laid back, slept a lot and deep, had nothing to complain about and other than three to four hour pooping sessions she was good.
When we woke up this morning she was refusing to eat. Between 5 AM and 3 PM she ate one ounce of formula. When she was awake she was crying, when she was sleeping she was wimpering and sometimes she would even break out into a hysterical cry while still fast asleep.
After talking to a bestie at coffee this morning I had the confidence to call and complain again, but this time it would be to a different doctor. We marched into his office at 4 PM and within three words he said that I was not going to be happy with him. I continued telling him the signs and symptoms and he kept nodding his head. When I told him the success we had on the soy aside from the constipation he was comfortable with a diagnosis. He asked me about the birth parents allergy history. He said that babies with one parent with allergies have a 50% chance of having a milk allergy. Babies that have two parents with allergies have a 75% chance of having a milk allergy. By 4:15 PM he told me that there was no question that she had a milk allergy. I almost threw up on the floor right there. What he was telling me was that for the past five weeks we had been poisoning our baby with something that she could not tolerate. I am so grateful for my mommy instinct of a continuous test of formulas because he was able to tell me what to go purchase (expensive formula) immediately.
I walked out of the office feeling like I wasn't insane. We went to Target immediately and purchased the liquid gold that will add up to about $6.00 per bottle. I tell ya, I would pay $100 per bottle just to have my sweet baby back!

Kearsta had her first bottle at 6 PM and now she is just as content as can be. I am so thankful for Dr. Thomas and the formula Gods for giving us our life back!
So, I now have a formula graveyard. I currently have seven different types of formula in all shapes and sizes . . . hopefully we (or someone) will get to use the liquid silver someday!
Okay, I feel better now!

Ready, Set . . .

Well, I have been in countdown mode for a LONG time. We officially have three weeks left to the due date of September 12th, but I just received a text from the birth grandmother that they will be inducing birth mom one week early.  So I have to adjust my countdown to a date of September 5th.  Needless to say, we are only two weeks away from meeting our baby girl!
The reality of this is so exciting Derek and I can barely wait for the two weeks to pass.  On the other end I am a little stressed because I will not be at work for twelve weeks. I cannot imagine life going on at work without me for that long! I am sure once Kearsta arrives I will not be worrying about work and wishing that time will slow down.
I have been in hyper nesting mode for months now . . .

 We are going to be doing A LOT of reading

 No need to leave the house bald

 A beautiful set of headband and butterfly wings made by Derek's cousin's wife, Mandy. 

I can't wait to get these on Kearsta!

 It looks so comfy and snuggly

 All stocked up on diapers and wipes

 Diapers galore

 We will be set for a couple of weeks

 Even though she looks interested she just doesn't understand how her life will be changing

 Her feet will always look fashionable!

 Lots and lots of clothes ranging from newborn to 18 months

The car seat is installed and checked by a professional

The pack and play will go up this weekend after I spend some time getting a pedicure and manicure with birth mom. Needless to say, we are ready for our bundle of joy to join our family any day!

On a sadder note, the doctor who delivered me thirty years ago and sixteen years after laid my options to live a pain free life on the table passed away on Sunday. I credit Dr. McGuire with so much of who I have become because of my experiences with him. He took a lot of criticism after completing a hysterectomy on a sixteen year old child. It was completely my decision as he only supported it and helped me get my life back. His death brings sadness to my heart although I know that I now have an additional extended family in our birth family that we would not have without him. He will be missed, but everyday I look into Kearsta eyes I will thank him for helping me be her mommy.