Preparing a Home

Our adoption agency, Hope's Promise, sends out a monthly newsletter to waiting families with some interesting articles and tips on how to get through the wait. This month's just arrived in my inbox. I always open them eagerly because there are typically updates on the number of birth families in the deciding to make an adoption plan, the number of placements and any upcoming news. The updates are a way to continue hoping that our arms will soon be filled with a child. This month the director of our agency, Paula Freeman, shared her thoughts:

"Several months ago I met with three colleagues in my office, each of us adoptive parents whose journey included parenting territory for which there was no reliable road map. We discussed the un-arguable need for post adoption services and how Hope’s Promise might help to meet them.

"Paula, if resources were no object," Mary asked, "where would you begin?"

That’s one of the best questions anyone has ever asked me; I still ponder it. At the time, however, I shared two thoughts. First, I’d like to educate the American church. We’ve missed the point. It’s not about a program or a project. It’s not just about missions and love and feeding the orphans. It’s about the heart! It’s about embracing brokenness, supporting those who build their family through adoption and helping to create grace-filled faith communities.

Secondly, I want to prepare families for the differences of adoptive parenthood. That includes holding appropriate expectations, recognizing children may come with compromised beginnings and encouraging parents to identify their own wounds and allow God to begin a healing process in them before their child arrives.

In the months ahead we’ll use this space to do just that…to encourage, educate and challenge one another to embrace this wait as time to prepare a place. We’ll allow God to heal our hearts and make His thoughts our thoughts. We’ll consider how to include family members and build healthy support teams."

Derek and I went into our adoption with this Christian agency knowing that there was a lot of improvment that we needed to make when it came to our spirituality, church attendance and involvement in church. We do not consider ourselves Bible Thumpers or devout Christians by any means. We would often joke about how we needed to become more "Godly." We continue to talk on a regular basis about the reasons that we chose to celebrate Methodism. We appreciate their willingness to meet us where ever we are in our journey with God, their openness to every type of person that may enter their doors and the lack of guilt that is put on us for not attending church regularly. We feel that we can be our true selves every time we walk through the church doors. We find that we are thankful that we can believe that God is a man, woman, spirit, living in Heaven, etc. or we don't have to believe any of those things. When I read the words from Paula today it struck a cord in me. Even though we are not consistent church-goers we are still relying on God to show us our adoption path.

When we entered the pool at the end of January I was hoping for a short wait time because my arms have been yearning for a child as long as I remember. As we saw two friends that are part of our adoption support group bring home their babies I began to wonder where my path was leading me.

I put away my guilt for not being a better Methodist and started relying on God. I would pray that he would give me signs that I am doing the right things to prepare for a parenting journey that will be unique, challenging and more fulfilling than anything else I have ever done. I quickly began to find things that I needed to work on and most of it was guilt. I still struggle with the fact that I made the choice to have a hysterectomy at sixteen. I actually do not think that I truly grieved the inability to have my own children until I married Derek. I would often apologize to him for making the choice that I did. He would look at me like I was crazy because he went into this knowing adoption would be our journey. In order to settle my heart about this issue I had to quit apologizing. I had to become comfortable in the fact that I now had to give up control to God and the birth family that is choosing their jouney to grant us a family. Other than guilt I had and still have to learn to be patient. I cannot control the process. Changing our book, going to church more, going out of town, skipping things because I am have a bad "wait day" will not make the process any faster. God has already made our path and even though I don't know when our adoption journey will turn to a parenting journey I had and still have to learn to trust in the process. I have spent a lot of time in the last three months reading books about adoption, talking with others that have experienced adoption and those that have not. About a month ago I finally said, "Okay God, this is up to you and I am okay waiting for the child that Derek and I have dreamed of." When I said it I was able to mean it. I am okay with having to wait as I know that every day I am waiting I am stronger and have lived another day learning to let guilt go and patience. Today I am doing exactly what Paula hopes to give to the families giving and receiving in her business. We are learning to be encouraged, educated and challenged to embrace this wait as time to prepare a place. We’ll allow God to heal our hearts and make His thoughts our thoughts.

In the last week or so I have found a place of peace. I cannot believe how calm I feel. I give credit to my therapist, my co-workers and now God. Even though I am not as faithful as I should be he is still looking out for me and showing me the path to parenthood. At the end of her article Paula left this prayer: "Father, help me see this time of waiting through your eyes. My heart aches and my arms long to hold the child you have for me. I trust your appointed time. Help me to prepare a place that would honor you as I wait." This is the prayer that I have been saying since I have given it up to God. I am so thankful that I am being forced to make myself a better person so I can be a better mother, Derek can be a better father and our home can be the best for the child that God has chosen for us.