Her Broken Heart . . .

When preparing to become a parent and then parenting the last thing you ever want is for your child to be sad, hurt or grieving. Although adoption is a wonderful gift that I cannot describe in words it does come with hurt for the birth family, birth parents, the adoptive parents and the adopted child.
As adoptive parents, Derek and I have gone through our own journey of hurt and loss because we will never have a child biologically born out of our love for each other. This is something that we have grieved from our second date. I personally have experienced anger, bargaining with God, questioning the reason for this journey and finally reaching acceptance (about a week before we were called with our match).
After birth and coming home with us our daughter will experience her own journey of hurt and loss because she no longer hears the sounds, voices, laughs, music, etc. that she has spent nine months getting to know. She will wonder where all of that has gone. She will be going through her own grieving process because she has a broken heart. Along with her broken heart she also has no trust in the world. By removing her from her biological parents she has lost everything that she trusted in for nine months.
As her adoptive parents it will be extremely important that we gauge her level of bonding and attachment from day one. Derek and I will spend our days holding her, carrying her in a sling (womanly) or other carrier (manly), feeding her in our arms, changing her diapers, bathing her, massaging her and reaching out for her anytime she fusses or cries as it is extremely important to meet her every need immediately. By doing this we are not spoiling her as it is our belief that a baby can NEVER be spoiled. She is not crying because she is tricking us into giving her attention, but rather because she is in need at that moment. By being so attentive to her we are showing her that she can trust that her every need will be met that time and throughout the rest of her life.
After hearing about this issue at our training in October I began preparing for this process that is both exciting and devastating. I have spent many hours reading up on bonding and attachment for adopted children. I have had some heartwarming moments and some sad moments as I have read through the stories others have told. Most eye opening comparison that I have read is called A Different Perspective. Essentially it compares the loss that an adoptive child experiences to waking up one day not knowing your husband. Even though you do not know him you have choices to make. These choices are showing signs of grief or going with the flow of the life you do not remember. Take time to read it if you are interested.
As the parents of this precious baby it is our goal for her to be able to develop the bond and attachment with us that will be necessary for her to be secure in herself throughout her life. Knowing this goal we have to make a decision that will be tough for all of our loved ones that are filled with so much excitement and love for our daughter. We are asking that in the first few months all of our visitors keep their holding and cuddling of the baby to short amounts. Derek and I will be the ones feeding, changing, putting her to sleep and meeting every other need that may arise so we can be consistent and begin to build trust and a bond that will result in attachment.
We do value each and every one of you as we know that you are going to play a very important role in her life, but our perspective is that there will be plenty of time for that. It may be difficult to understand, but please know that we are doing the best for her. We look forward to the times where holding and cuddling her can be unlimited for all of our loved ones.
On a more positive note, we are in the final count down. As of this Wednesday we will have seven weeks to the due date. It has been a long voyage, but we are so thankful to have been on it as we have added to our extended family as well as adding to our immediate family.