I Will Never Know . . .

I don't know that I believe in destiny or that the path that I am on was laid out by God before I was born. I do know that throughout life there are many things that have happened that caused my path to change. Whether it was in the cards from the beginning I will never know.
The month of August I find myself reflecting on all of the things in my life that have happened that changed my path as I knew it. The reason this month sends me into a whirlwind of reflection is because of a tragedy. On August 12, 1993 my brother, Brent, was killed at 20 years old.  My family found out on the eve of August 13. It was this day that one of the best summer's of my life came to a screeching halt. My family was found at forks in the road even though the fork on the right was no longer available. We all took the fork on the left yet we all found ourselves in different areas of our destiny. Being that I was 11 years old at the time I had much less freedom to choose how I was going to deal with the change. My parents and two other brothers (27 and 24 years old) had more control over how they dealt with the tragedy than I did. I watched how everyone dealt with it and followed some things while I found different ways to do other things. It was a time that still feels like happened yesterday even 19 years later. Wow, 19 years . . . if you were to ask any of us within the first five years after Brent's death I bet we all would have said we didn't think we would ever live this long without him.
From 1993 to 2011 there were so many things that changed my path as I knew it. Sometimes the change was my decision, but more often than not it wasn't my choice. Some were easier to deal with than others, but all left an imprint on my heart that will never be forgotten.
In 2011 I added another life changing situation with the death of my dad. As a family we knew that he wasn't healthy and would be dying at a relatively young age. Once my dad heard that his body was failing him, the death of my brother and the divorce of my parents he found it hard to be anything but depressed. Time with him became even more cherished, yet I still took advantage of everything that he did for me and gave to me. It wasn't until college that I truly began to understand the man who would have given anything to ensure that I had the best life possible. There are many moments in my life that he looked at me, gave me a hug and gave me advice that contributed to the path that I am on now. Even after knowing for years that his death was imminent due to his unwillingness to care for himself it is still at the top of my current list of the hardest things I have been through. Without him we would not be at the part of adoption that we are at and I am thankful for that everyday.
I am not writing this information to depress you. I am writing this because our daughter will be born with a change in her path when she is 48 hours old. She will have a fork in the road the right side will be blocked just as it was for my family in 1993. Our daughter will not get a chance to choose rather she has to trust that her birth parents have gone along with destiny or God's plan so she can be the best person she can be.
I am appreciative that I have a personal understanding of similar loss and grief that Kearsta will feel throughout her life just as Derek feels it to with his own adoption story. As we get closer to her birth we will never know if it is destiny or God's plan, but we are thankful that we get to be the ones along the path that she is going to be coming down.