Our Process

I have read a  lot of couples blog entries that either have been or are in the adoption pool with us.  They all talk about how quickly the process went for them and I find myself with some jealously.

We knew about six months after we were married that we would have to wait until our two year anniversary to apply for adoption in the state of Colorado.  We anxiously waiting two years and were excited to pass that point.

We applied to our agency in August 2011.  After weeks of sitting around and not hearing much I contacted them to ask what the next steps were.  At the end of September we had our administrative meeting where a binder of paperwork and steps for the process was handed to us.  The steps included fingerprints, a local background check, a state background check, a federal background check, an autobiography that was created using questions supplied to us by the agency and ended up being about eight pages long, checklists of personality traits to describe ourselves and our partner, our finances, medical history, mental health history and on and on.  We were told at the meeting that it would take eight to ten weeks to receive our background checks from the FBI.

After our meeting we diligently worked on our paperwork.  My goal was to have it turned in within a month so once our fingerprints returned we could move forward immediately.  Derek was only diligent because of my prodding!  It was a lot of work, but we got it done within my time frame.

We got a call in mid-November that our fingerprints had come back and we would be contacted by the end of the week for our next steps.  I received that call on a Friday afternoon.  The person on the other line said that there were some concerns with our file and that we needed to have a face to face meeting with her and our social worker.  The meeting was scheduled for Monday morning.  We processed through everything that we could think of over the weekend, finances, something in our background, our lack of regular attendance at church, etc.

When Monday finally came we drove on silence to our meeting.  We walked in and a bomb was dropped on us.  We were told that there were concerns about our marriage.  Derek and I were floored.  She read off the reasons that they had found such as perfectionism, critical, rigid, overly organized, highly emotional and so much more.  Of course, those were all of the traits that Derek had chosen from the many checklists to describe me.  Needless to say I was hurt and in shock.  There was not one positive thing that was mentioned that day and all of the negative was about me.  How could my whole personality be chalked up to a couple of checklists that landed us in a meeting?  We were told that we could withdraw from the agency or go to a counselor to have a marriage assessment done.  Based on the marriage assessment and the counselor's recommendations we could be delayed for a month or up to a year while we completed the steps to get our marriage on track.  Obviously, we chose the latter.

We left the meeting after I shed some tears and tried to explain the reasons I was perceived this way.  I felt broken down and thrown out because I work really hard on myself and had come a long way from my environment as a child.  I prided myself on my organization, my willingness to speak my mind and so much more.  I was frustrated that Derek thought all of those things about me and nothing positive.  I found myself spiraling down over the next couple of weeks as we moved through the next "suggested" phase of our process.

Within a week we were meeting with a counselor to have our marriage assessment done.  The adoption agency had written a letter describing their concerns and their expectations for our time with the counselor.  I was still questioning how all of the traits that Derek checked be a concern about our marriage, shouldn't that be a concern about me?!

After our first meeting we liked him, but just saw it as another delay.  We had to do a quiz on each other and assess our marriage between our first and second sessions.  It was very interesting as we answered the questions, but there was also a level of fear as we knew that this could either end positively or with shattered dreams.

When we returned to Dr. Mike for the second session he presented us with our results.  We were not surprised with the results at all as Derek and I know that our marriage is not in trouble.  I came from a divorced family, waiting for a long time to find my match and in no way was I going to let my marriage struggle.  We are very open with each other and have worked very hard on our communication over time.  Our counselor shared that we are a harmonious couple.  We have a great balance of time together and apart and have a great understanding of the other's personality.  Again, this information was not news to us, but it was very comforting.  As we moved through the assessment we did learn more about each other, but continued to feel bitter that we were even there.

After four sessions with Dr. Mike he wrote a wonderful letter of recommendation for us.  He suggested that we did not need any additional sessions as we were on the right track to have a healthy and long marriage.  He did not see any reasons that my personality traits would hinder my ability to parent or to stay married.  We were so relieved to see what he had written about us.

The agency called in the middle of January to say that they were ready to proceed with us.  The next step was the home study process.  Our first meeting consisted of answering questions similar to our autobiography like the type of parents we want to be, our childhoods, our jobs, our dreams for our future, etc.  This interview was done with our social work and together.

Our next meeting was done separate.  I had to answer questions about my family history, how I perceived my process to parenthood, in depth information on our infertility, my belief about God and religion and a lot more.  This went smoothly, but Derek and I both felt the fear of saying the wrong thing surface again.

The following week our social worker came to our home.  We gave her a tour and talked some more.  We were concerned that Hayla would be so excited that she would not be able to behave, but she did pretty well.  She was relentless though and HAD to be pet by our visitor.  At the end of that meeting we were told that we would be presented at the staff meeting the next day and would hear by that afternoon if we were approved or not.  She left us saying that she did not see any reason that we would not be approved.

That night was the first night in a long time that we went to be excited.  We were thankful that the process was completed and we were one step closer to parenthood.

The next day I received the call at work that we had been approved.  Needless to day, I was glowing and everyone knew it!