To Change or Not to Change . . .

The last few years have challenged my need to be in control and plan out my life.  I thought that by now I would know how to deal with being "out of control"and leaving things as they fall.  The last few weeks have continued to challenge my new laid back approach to most things in life that I tell myself I have!

When we went into the adoption process it was an ebb and flow of excitement and emotions.  The waiting part is proving to be a lot more emotion than I expected.   I question myself daily on why I am feeling the way that I am.  I believe in a destined path by God that we are following to get to our ultimate destination although my brain does not communicate that to my heart very well.

After processing a little more I finally figured out why I am in a "funk."  I am struggling with the lack of feedback that is natural in the adoption process.  We know that our profile book has been shown, but that is not followed up with a reason why we were not chosen.  Part of this is confidentiality to other couples and part of it may be that it is not practice to be forthcoming about it.  Without the feedback I spend time questioning whether the colors are right, the words are right, the letter is too long, whether I have said too much, and on and on.  Ultimately, I would love to know so I can change things in order to be the best match for the next birth family. 

Although I have found the reason I know that the action that would make my heart feel better and get me out of my "funk" is not logical.  In my heart I want to be chosen and get to the next stage in our lives while my brain is telling me that I am crazy for wanting to tailor and change our profile book based on feedback from each family.  It is over $200 to have our books reprinted each time, so yes, I am crazy!  Let me assure you that the logic that these thoughts and my husband bring to me have done little for my heart.

I have decided to not ask for feedback at this point.  I will force myself to become more comfortable with this process until it makes me even more crazy!  Once I am certifiably crazy (not to be determined by Derek) I will ask for feedback and see if we need to make changes.