The Ultrasound Says . . .

The day after our match meeting the birth parents found out the gender of the baby. When their social worker called to confirm that it was a match she said that the birth parents wanted to tell us the gender in person. She gave the birth family our phone numbers that night. Derek and I waited for the next few days anxiously awaiting the call to get together again.

The birth grandmother called almost a week later to set up our meeting. It was a great conversation full of checking in and excitement for everything that our families are now sharing. At the end of the conversation she told me to talk with Derek and come up with a time to meet up with them. After not very much talk Derek and I decided that Saturday, May 19, 2012 would be the day. When I called the birth grandmother back I told her to ask the birth parents where they wanted to meet. During our match meeting we had discussed meeting for frozen yogurt, but asked her to confirm.

On Saturday Derek and I both experienced butterflies all day as we contemplated the gender of the baby. Derek was sure that it was a girl and I continued with my pessimistic view of life and said it was going to be a boy. We have both said all along that we want a girl, but of course would be happy with just a baby! Either way we had a 50% chance of being right which is pretty great odds!

We arrived at the yogurt place a few minutes early and awaited their arrival. This meeting was different because we knew what they looked like and a little about their personalities. When they walked in their excitement filled the room. the birth mom was carrying a gift wrapped in pink and blue paper to not give away the surprise. We greeted with hugs and ordered our ice cream. It was interesting to see their choices to compare our likes and dislikes!

We sat and shared more about our lives including our hobbies, the ending of the school year, plans for the summer, etc. We were laughing with each other that sparked a comment from our birth mom that touched our hearts, "I have laughed more today than I have in a long time. This is why we picked you!" Every time we see them the path that God put into place was shown again.

Once we finished our ice cream we opened the gift. Derek opened one side and I opened the other. Derek could not look in the box because he was too nervous. Once I opened it up I saw pink scrapbook paper and was hoping for the best. Sure enough, there were ultrasound pictures of our baby and our hopes and dreams were granted, a girl! There was also a cute sundress for next summer in the box to add to this girl's growing wardrobe.

After the discovery we again shared our name for a baby girl, Kearsta, and let them know that we wanted them to choose her middle name. We feel that it is very important that they are able to give Kearsta as many gifts as possible to show their love for her throughout her life. They were surprised and ecstatic that they were going to have the opportunity to give her a name.

Kearsta's first photo!

This was such a special moment as we didn't think that we would ever see the ultrasound pictures. This will be framed and put in the nursery so we can tell Kearsta this story for years to come!

The Ultimate Mother's Day . . .

In the latest newsletter from Hope's Promise they gave resources to women struggling with Mother's Day because they were waiting to become mothers.  Honestly, grieving over Mother's Day has never been a part of my life because the day has always been about my mom.  Even with a baby on the way I still think of this day as a time to celebrate her.

There was no better way to tell my parents about the coming of another grandchild than in celebration of Mother's Day.  Derek is out of town over Mother's Day so we decided to celebrate a week early.

Over breakfast last Sunday I gave my mom a gift that contained picture frames with words about their perspective roles as grandparents.  I also included this poem:

I do not have a face to see,
Or put inside a frame.
I do not have soft cheeks to kiss,
I don't yet have a name.
You can't yet hold my tiny hands,
Nor whisper in my ear.
It's still too soon to sing a song,
Or cuddle me so near.
But all will change come September,
That's when they say I'm due.
I'm your new grandson or granddaughter,
I can't wait till I meet you.
All I ask between now and then,
Is your patience while I grow.
I promise I'll be worth the wait,
Because of all the love we'll know.
So what I have to give you now,
is a wish to you from me.
I cannot wait to be a part
Of this wonderful family.

Author Unknown

Both of them read the poem and said thank you, but they had not understood what it was really saying.  I told them to read it again.  My mom scanned it again, looked up and said "you got a baby?!"  Both Derek and I said yes.  My mom hooped and hollered in the middle of the restaurant with joy.

This was the best Mother's Day gift I could ever give!

Diapers needed . . .

On Thursday, May 3, 2012 we were going about life as normal.  I had just written my blog about being at peace with the wait and giving all control up to God on Wednesday evening.

On Thursday evenings we bowl in a league.  We love bowling because it gets us out of the house and is exciting.  Last Thursday I had an extremely emotional day at work.  The day was laden with medical emergencies, protecting students from themselves, everyone person having to pitch in, etc.  I had to deliver some devastating news to one of my students that is already emotionally fragile.  I was sitting at bowling thinking about her and hoping that I did not get a phone call from her dad saying she had given up.  A couple of hours into bowling I missed a call.  It was from an unknown 719 number.  I immediately called the number back hoping that something had not happened to my mom or Gary.  When the person on the other line picked up she said that she is a case worker with Hope's Promise.  I turned around and yelled at Derek that it was "the call."  I started jogging to get outside of the building so we could talk to her.  From my view Derek was walking slowly!

Once we got outside she told us that we had been chosen by a birth family that evening.  She told us about the birth family and wanted to know when we could meet.  The birth mother had two requests, she wanted to meet as soon as possible and wanted to meet at Mimi's Cafe so she could have the turkey dinner.  As any good waiting couple would do, we agreed!  We decided that Sunday evening Derek, myself, the case worker, the birth mother, the birth father, the birth father's mom and step-father and the birth mother's parents would meet for the first time.  At the conclusion of the conversation the case worker said that the birth parents wanted to know if we were excited.  I said that we were ecstatic and could not believe that it was our time!  Derek and I were both in such shock that our bowling went down the tubes for the night!

When bowling was over I had to tell someone that we had been picked.  Since we have entered the pool my mom has had the same reaction as I have had to the phone ringing, a jump.  We never knew when our call might come so in the back of our minds we always wondered if this caller was the one.  I told my mom a couple of months ago that she would not be getting the news over the phone so that excluded her from the first conversation.  I sent a text to my brother Todd at 11:00 PM on the east coast telling him to call me ASAP.  He called right away.  I shared the news and the excitement with him.  While I was on the phone with him my other brother, Mark called.  I told him as well.  I gave both of them very strict instructions that they were not allowed to tell mom anything.  I wanted to come up with something special to give her the news.

On Friday we had a professional development day at work.  My department attended the first part of the day that included announcements, celebrations, etc.  While we sat there I was trying to determine whether I should tell them or not.  When we left the meeting we were gathered chatting about all of the things that had been so difficult all week.  I got to a point that something positive had to be said so I asked "can I tell you some good news?"  Both of my coworkers turned to me and said sure.  I followed with "Derek and I have to plan our Baby Moon."  Both of them burst out in tears because they have been on the rollercoaster with me every day.  They could not believe the news either.  It was the news that we all needed to get through the day and finish off the week on a positive note.

On Sunday we went to our match meeting with the whole group.  There was a lot of nervous energy at first as we didn't know what we were going to be talking about.  The number of things in common with each person around the table was amazing.  It even got down to the birth father's best friend having the same name that we plan to name a boy, Taden.  It is not a common name so Derek and I were shocked when he said it.

At the conclusion of the meeting the caseworker said she was going to talk with us on Tuesday to see if we felt that this was a match.  I knew from the moment we started talking that it was.  Every detail was meeting every expectation we have had from the beginning.  Derek and I sat there so thankful because we were getting the best possible scenario, but we had to wait to make sure the feeling was mutual.

First thing this morning I left a message with our caseworker that as far as Derek and I were concerned it was a match.  She said she would share it with the birth family's caseworker and she would be letting us know.  We were expecting the call to come tomorrow, but I just got off the phone with her.  We are officially matched!  Phone numbers will be exchanged and we can start to build our relationship over the next 19 weeks as we await the birth of our baby.  Our next meeting will be over frozen yogurt and Derek and I cannot wait!

Now that we are at this point we can be thankful for every struggle that we have endured and thought was unfair.  I can say that we have prepared a home and will continue to prepare a home for the homecoming of our child in September!

P.S. Diapers are needed because those things are expensive!!!!!

Preparing a Home

Our adoption agency, Hope's Promise, sends out a monthly newsletter to waiting families with some interesting articles and tips on how to get through the wait. This month's just arrived in my inbox. I always open them eagerly because there are typically updates on the number of birth families in the deciding to make an adoption plan, the number of placements and any upcoming news. The updates are a way to continue hoping that our arms will soon be filled with a child. This month the director of our agency, Paula Freeman, shared her thoughts:

"Several months ago I met with three colleagues in my office, each of us adoptive parents whose journey included parenting territory for which there was no reliable road map. We discussed the un-arguable need for post adoption services and how Hope’s Promise might help to meet them.

"Paula, if resources were no object," Mary asked, "where would you begin?"

That’s one of the best questions anyone has ever asked me; I still ponder it. At the time, however, I shared two thoughts. First, I’d like to educate the American church. We’ve missed the point. It’s not about a program or a project. It’s not just about missions and love and feeding the orphans. It’s about the heart! It’s about embracing brokenness, supporting those who build their family through adoption and helping to create grace-filled faith communities.

Secondly, I want to prepare families for the differences of adoptive parenthood. That includes holding appropriate expectations, recognizing children may come with compromised beginnings and encouraging parents to identify their own wounds and allow God to begin a healing process in them before their child arrives.

In the months ahead we’ll use this space to do just that…to encourage, educate and challenge one another to embrace this wait as time to prepare a place. We’ll allow God to heal our hearts and make His thoughts our thoughts. We’ll consider how to include family members and build healthy support teams."

Derek and I went into our adoption with this Christian agency knowing that there was a lot of improvment that we needed to make when it came to our spirituality, church attendance and involvement in church. We do not consider ourselves Bible Thumpers or devout Christians by any means. We would often joke about how we needed to become more "Godly." We continue to talk on a regular basis about the reasons that we chose to celebrate Methodism. We appreciate their willingness to meet us where ever we are in our journey with God, their openness to every type of person that may enter their doors and the lack of guilt that is put on us for not attending church regularly. We feel that we can be our true selves every time we walk through the church doors. We find that we are thankful that we can believe that God is a man, woman, spirit, living in Heaven, etc. or we don't have to believe any of those things. When I read the words from Paula today it struck a cord in me. Even though we are not consistent church-goers we are still relying on God to show us our adoption path.

When we entered the pool at the end of January I was hoping for a short wait time because my arms have been yearning for a child as long as I remember. As we saw two friends that are part of our adoption support group bring home their babies I began to wonder where my path was leading me.

I put away my guilt for not being a better Methodist and started relying on God. I would pray that he would give me signs that I am doing the right things to prepare for a parenting journey that will be unique, challenging and more fulfilling than anything else I have ever done. I quickly began to find things that I needed to work on and most of it was guilt. I still struggle with the fact that I made the choice to have a hysterectomy at sixteen. I actually do not think that I truly grieved the inability to have my own children until I married Derek. I would often apologize to him for making the choice that I did. He would look at me like I was crazy because he went into this knowing adoption would be our journey. In order to settle my heart about this issue I had to quit apologizing. I had to become comfortable in the fact that I now had to give up control to God and the birth family that is choosing their jouney to grant us a family. Other than guilt I had and still have to learn to be patient. I cannot control the process. Changing our book, going to church more, going out of town, skipping things because I am have a bad "wait day" will not make the process any faster. God has already made our path and even though I don't know when our adoption journey will turn to a parenting journey I had and still have to learn to trust in the process. I have spent a lot of time in the last three months reading books about adoption, talking with others that have experienced adoption and those that have not. About a month ago I finally said, "Okay God, this is up to you and I am okay waiting for the child that Derek and I have dreamed of." When I said it I was able to mean it. I am okay with having to wait as I know that every day I am waiting I am stronger and have lived another day learning to let guilt go and patience. Today I am doing exactly what Paula hopes to give to the families giving and receiving in her business. We are learning to be encouraged, educated and challenged to embrace this wait as time to prepare a place. We’ll allow God to heal our hearts and make His thoughts our thoughts.

In the last week or so I have found a place of peace. I cannot believe how calm I feel. I give credit to my therapist, my co-workers and now God. Even though I am not as faithful as I should be he is still looking out for me and showing me the path to parenthood. At the end of her article Paula left this prayer: "Father, help me see this time of waiting through your eyes. My heart aches and my arms long to hold the child you have for me. I trust your appointed time. Help me to prepare a place that would honor you as I wait." This is the prayer that I have been saying since I have given it up to God. I am so thankful that I am being forced to make myself a better person so I can be a better mother, Derek can be a better father and our home can be the best for the child that God has chosen for us.

Baby Moon?

Derek and I love to travel.  I had never had a "real" vacation until I met him.  Growing up we always traveled to see family and oftentimes that is not a vacation!  Some of the happiest memories in Derek and I's relationship are from our trips together. 

Working for the school system gives us an advantage because we are guaranteed at least three vacations a year, Fall Break, Spring Break and Summer.  We make sure that we use each one wisely to get out of town and reset our minds with some relaxation.  We had talked for many months about taking another cruise to celebrate my 30th birthday.  We looked into some cruises and were discussing where we wanted to go.  When we were discussing this we were still in the approval phase of our adoption journey.  Once we entered the waiting period of this voyage I found myself with a lot of anxiety around being out of town when we received the call.  I quickly put a halt on all plans for a vacation during Spring Break and possibly over the summer. I said ABSOLUTELY NO to a cruise.  Derek was disappointed because he had his heart set on traveling more before our voyage as parents began.  There were a couple of weeks that we spent being unhappy at each other because of my anxiety level around traveling.

About ten days before I made the decision that we did not know when the match was going to happen so we better live it up!  We planned a trip to New York City for Spring Break.  This is a place that I have never been even though I have been to the East Coast numerous times to visit my brothers.  I also know that this is not a place that I would be seeing in the next ten to fifteen years if we didn't go now.  Derek has seen the Big Apple once before so a lot of it is going to be repeat for him.

So, I am confronting my anxiety and getting on a plane to go across the country for what could very possibly be our Babymoon!

The Profile Showing . . .

In the open adoption process there are times that we know our profile book is being shown. At other times we do not know that it is happening. 

When Derek and I were going through the process we had to identify the "type" of child we were willing to take. We had to decide how much alcohol, drug and tobacco use during pregnancy would be acceptable to us. We also had to decide the gamete of mental health issues in the birth family that we were willing to deal with (Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Schizophrenia, etc.). There were many contributing factors that we had to decide upon as we cannot expect that birth mother's are taking the same precautions that we would during pregnancy. 

When there is a profile showing that is beyond our preset parameters the agency sends us some background information on a birth mother. The information includes age, location, pregnancy health, family medical history and access to medical insurance. Derek and I then discuss the situation and make a decision on whether or not we want our profile shown.
In our process we have received two of these notifications. We decided to say yes to both. There wasn't anything reported that we did not feel that we could handle. Once we say yes we sit around until the profile showing day and then spend the next few days awaiting a call from the agency. Both times we have received an email that the birth mothers have chosen a different family. 

It is a bittersweet feeling during this time because we do not know if it is our time or not. I spend time thinking about what I could have done differently and sending positive vibes and prayers to the birth family. Once we hear that we were not chosen there is a period of sadness because we have to continue waiting yet there is a level of excitement for the family that has been chosen. Each time we tell ourselves that this was not our baby (not that we always believe it). We have become very creative at telling ourselves things to help us feel better about the situation yet we still find ourselves wondering when it will be our time.

Needless to say it has been an emotional roller coaster as we head into Spring and soon Summer. We can only hope that our wait will be short, but we know that it is all in God's plan and it will happen when it is time.

Adoption - Colorado Style

Derek and I began exploring our adoption choices early in our marriage.  Colorado is an agency state, which entails very clear standards and stipulations for adoptions statewide.  The process is the same for every prospective adoptive family without regard to the program that they are going through.

The couple chooses an agency to work with, attends an informational meeting, applies for the program, goes through all of the paperwork and background checks, does the SAFE Homestudy which is the same questions for everyone and includes one meeting as a couple, a meeting as individuals and a home visit.  The outcome of the SAFE Homestudy is to certify us as a foster family.  We have to be certified as a foster family within the state of Colorado because the adoption of our child will not be finalized until six months after placement.  During the six months the adoption agency is the holder of all major decisions for the child even though the child resides with us.

There are three programs that go through this exact process and to participate in any of them you would have to contract with an agency.  The programs are inter-country (international), domestic infant and designated adoption. 

Inter-country is the traditional adoption from China, Ethiopia, Russia, etc. that are often on the news.  Our agency has shared that in the recent years they have seen a decline in inter-country adoptions and an increase in couples doing domestic infant adoptions.  They have not said why they have seen this trend, but my guess is that the Hague Convention changed the standards a few years ago which has contributed to many countries either slowing down or shutting down all together for inter-country adoptions.  The wait time for these adoptions can be upwards of two years at times because of all of the hoops that have to be cleared.

Domestic infant adoption is the program that Derek and I have chosen.  We had to go through all of the steps above in order to move into the waiting pool.  The agency is given birth mother referrals and the social workers work intensely with them.  It is the agency's job to review all of the options that a birth mother has including abortion, parenting and adoption.  On our end we hope that the decision every time is adoption, but it is truly the birth mother's choice.  If the birth mother chooses an adoption plan she moves forward with an open adoption style.  This style allows the birth mother and birth father (if involved) to choose the family from profile books that they want their child to spend their lives with.  At that point the adoptive family is contacted and a match meeting happens.  During the match meeting the two parties meet with a social worker and get to know each other.  Once the match meeting is done the decision is made to move forward or not.  In most cases it is a match and the adoption plan continues.  The birth mother also has a hospital plan that details how she wants the birth and her hospital stay to be.  This may include us from the beginning, middle or end.   We have no say in what she chooses and have to be on her plan until she and/or the baby is released from the hospital.  Once placement happens we will maintain contact over the years with the birth family based on an agreement that we have created.  The agreement is not legally binding and if Derek and I feel that it is a detriment to our child for the relationship to continue we can stop all contact.

A designated adoption is when both the birth mother and the adoptive family find each other outside of the agency.  This is similar to how some states do adoption, adoptive families are on their own to find a birth mother.  The adoptive family still has to go through all of the hoops to be approved and the birth mother has to complete the counseling through the agency.

The other option outside of the agency is the foster to adopt program.  This would be an application through Human Services rather than an agency.  In this case it is unlikely that a child under the age of two years would be placed in your home and later be up for adoption.  Derek and I liked this option because it seems faster, but there is a lot more emotionality that comes with it.  If the child were to be removed from our home and returned to biological parents I do not know that I would be able to survive that situation.

Every state is different in the adoption realm.  Derek and I find ourselves thankful that ours is so managed by the state as we run a less risk of having the adoption fall through.

The Nursery

So, I have shared how difficult the wait time has been for me.  One way that I have combated it was to get the nursery ready.

This is something that I have dreamed about for as long as I could remember.  I had decorated the room in my mind time and time again over the years.  I could not believe that I was finally to the point that I could design a room that would be the place of safety and peace for our child.

I searched for weeks for a gender neutral theme and then spent some time thinking about colors.  Once I decided on a theme I was full boar to get the room completed and spening a lot of time on the Internet ordering stuff!  Derek and I spent some time at Guiry's looking at paint colors and brought some samples home.  It took us a couple of days to decide, but I knew I wanted the accent color to be sage green.  Luckily I have an in home professional painter who gave me a great discount on the painting, free!

On our first blizzard day of the season we spent the day cleaning our what was the office and putting together the crib and dresser.  We purchased the whole set the day before our final home study interview as a celebration of our journey to that point.

I spent the next couple of weeks putting the final touches on it until it was perfect.  The only piece missing now is the glider.  Babies R Us says it will take 10-12 weeks to arrive at their store . . . that seems like a REALLY long time!
Now that the room is done we are in love with it.  It turned out much better than we ever could have imagined.  We cannot wait to bring our bundle of joy home and spend hours rocking away, reading and singing songs.

 

Our Process

I have read a  lot of couples blog entries that either have been or are in the adoption pool with us.  They all talk about how quickly the process went for them and I find myself with some jealously.

We knew about six months after we were married that we would have to wait until our two year anniversary to apply for adoption in the state of Colorado.  We anxiously waiting two years and were excited to pass that point.

We applied to our agency in August 2011.  After weeks of sitting around and not hearing much I contacted them to ask what the next steps were.  At the end of September we had our administrative meeting where a binder of paperwork and steps for the process was handed to us.  The steps included fingerprints, a local background check, a state background check, a federal background check, an autobiography that was created using questions supplied to us by the agency and ended up being about eight pages long, checklists of personality traits to describe ourselves and our partner, our finances, medical history, mental health history and on and on.  We were told at the meeting that it would take eight to ten weeks to receive our background checks from the FBI.

After our meeting we diligently worked on our paperwork.  My goal was to have it turned in within a month so once our fingerprints returned we could move forward immediately.  Derek was only diligent because of my prodding!  It was a lot of work, but we got it done within my time frame.

We got a call in mid-November that our fingerprints had come back and we would be contacted by the end of the week for our next steps.  I received that call on a Friday afternoon.  The person on the other line said that there were some concerns with our file and that we needed to have a face to face meeting with her and our social worker.  The meeting was scheduled for Monday morning.  We processed through everything that we could think of over the weekend, finances, something in our background, our lack of regular attendance at church, etc.

When Monday finally came we drove on silence to our meeting.  We walked in and a bomb was dropped on us.  We were told that there were concerns about our marriage.  Derek and I were floored.  She read off the reasons that they had found such as perfectionism, critical, rigid, overly organized, highly emotional and so much more.  Of course, those were all of the traits that Derek had chosen from the many checklists to describe me.  Needless to say I was hurt and in shock.  There was not one positive thing that was mentioned that day and all of the negative was about me.  How could my whole personality be chalked up to a couple of checklists that landed us in a meeting?  We were told that we could withdraw from the agency or go to a counselor to have a marriage assessment done.  Based on the marriage assessment and the counselor's recommendations we could be delayed for a month or up to a year while we completed the steps to get our marriage on track.  Obviously, we chose the latter.

We left the meeting after I shed some tears and tried to explain the reasons I was perceived this way.  I felt broken down and thrown out because I work really hard on myself and had come a long way from my environment as a child.  I prided myself on my organization, my willingness to speak my mind and so much more.  I was frustrated that Derek thought all of those things about me and nothing positive.  I found myself spiraling down over the next couple of weeks as we moved through the next "suggested" phase of our process.

Within a week we were meeting with a counselor to have our marriage assessment done.  The adoption agency had written a letter describing their concerns and their expectations for our time with the counselor.  I was still questioning how all of the traits that Derek checked be a concern about our marriage, shouldn't that be a concern about me?!

After our first meeting we liked him, but just saw it as another delay.  We had to do a quiz on each other and assess our marriage between our first and second sessions.  It was very interesting as we answered the questions, but there was also a level of fear as we knew that this could either end positively or with shattered dreams.

When we returned to Dr. Mike for the second session he presented us with our results.  We were not surprised with the results at all as Derek and I know that our marriage is not in trouble.  I came from a divorced family, waiting for a long time to find my match and in no way was I going to let my marriage struggle.  We are very open with each other and have worked very hard on our communication over time.  Our counselor shared that we are a harmonious couple.  We have a great balance of time together and apart and have a great understanding of the other's personality.  Again, this information was not news to us, but it was very comforting.  As we moved through the assessment we did learn more about each other, but continued to feel bitter that we were even there.

After four sessions with Dr. Mike he wrote a wonderful letter of recommendation for us.  He suggested that we did not need any additional sessions as we were on the right track to have a healthy and long marriage.  He did not see any reasons that my personality traits would hinder my ability to parent or to stay married.  We were so relieved to see what he had written about us.

The agency called in the middle of January to say that they were ready to proceed with us.  The next step was the home study process.  Our first meeting consisted of answering questions similar to our autobiography like the type of parents we want to be, our childhoods, our jobs, our dreams for our future, etc.  This interview was done with our social work and together.

Our next meeting was done separate.  I had to answer questions about my family history, how I perceived my process to parenthood, in depth information on our infertility, my belief about God and religion and a lot more.  This went smoothly, but Derek and I both felt the fear of saying the wrong thing surface again.

The following week our social worker came to our home.  We gave her a tour and talked some more.  We were concerned that Hayla would be so excited that she would not be able to behave, but she did pretty well.  She was relentless though and HAD to be pet by our visitor.  At the end of that meeting we were told that we would be presented at the staff meeting the next day and would hear by that afternoon if we were approved or not.  She left us saying that she did not see any reason that we would not be approved.

That night was the first night in a long time that we went to be excited.  We were thankful that the process was completed and we were one step closer to parenthood.

The next day I received the call at work that we had been approved.  Needless to day, I was glowing and everyone knew it!

To Change or Not to Change . . .

The last few years have challenged my need to be in control and plan out my life.  I thought that by now I would know how to deal with being "out of control"and leaving things as they fall.  The last few weeks have continued to challenge my new laid back approach to most things in life that I tell myself I have!

When we went into the adoption process it was an ebb and flow of excitement and emotions.  The waiting part is proving to be a lot more emotion than I expected.   I question myself daily on why I am feeling the way that I am.  I believe in a destined path by God that we are following to get to our ultimate destination although my brain does not communicate that to my heart very well.

After processing a little more I finally figured out why I am in a "funk."  I am struggling with the lack of feedback that is natural in the adoption process.  We know that our profile book has been shown, but that is not followed up with a reason why we were not chosen.  Part of this is confidentiality to other couples and part of it may be that it is not practice to be forthcoming about it.  Without the feedback I spend time questioning whether the colors are right, the words are right, the letter is too long, whether I have said too much, and on and on.  Ultimately, I would love to know so I can change things in order to be the best match for the next birth family. 

Although I have found the reason I know that the action that would make my heart feel better and get me out of my "funk" is not logical.  In my heart I want to be chosen and get to the next stage in our lives while my brain is telling me that I am crazy for wanting to tailor and change our profile book based on feedback from each family.  It is over $200 to have our books reprinted each time, so yes, I am crazy!  Let me assure you that the logic that these thoughts and my husband bring to me have done little for my heart.

I have decided to not ask for feedback at this point.  I will force myself to become more comfortable with this process until it makes me even more crazy!  Once I am certifiably crazy (not to be determined by Derek) I will ask for feedback and see if we need to make changes.