Saying "See Ya Later" . . .

As Friday evening finished up Kearsta was starting to look a little yellow. Her skin was showing signs of jaundice. Her birth father and birth aunt both had jaundice as infants so I don't think anyone was surprised when she dawned the yellowish hue. The nurses took her blood to check her levels. Sure enough she was put on the billy lights in the middle of the night Saturday.

 Our glow baby!

The medical staff told us that heredity, a different blood type from birth mom and the bruising on her head from birth all contributed to the jaundice.
As daylight dawned on Saturday we knew that it was going to be the most difficult day yet. This was the day that we would all be parting ways although we would be saying "see ya later" rather than "goodbye." We were hanging around the hospital awaiting the results from Kearsta's latest bilirubin test. We all felt as though we wanted to go home just because it was better than the hospital yet we were sad about the impending parting of ways.
Around noon Kearsta's birth parents asked everyone to leave so they could have time along with the baby. We all filed out of the room grateful that they were taking the time with their daughter. During this time the most amazing thing was unfolding. Her birth parents were doing their version of an entrustment ceremony. This is a ceremony that is exclusively for adoption. It is done is a lot of different ways such as in the hospital chapel, at a church, in the hospital room, outside of the hospital, but the idea behind it every time is that it is a time for the birth parents to tell their baby their adoption story and a placement in the adoptive parents arms. Derek and I knew that they wanted an entrustment ceremony, but we did not know what that looked like. I don't know that K's birth family knew what that looked like either until it happened.
Her birth parents called in family members one by one. Each person was in the room spending time with Kearsta, saying everything they wanted her to know and saying "see ya later." After the immediate family had their time it was our turn to enter the room. We walked in not quite knowing what to expect, but it was the most amazing experience I have had in this whole journey. Kearsta's birth parents were telling her the reasons for the adoption, their love for her and their love for us as her parents. They took Derek and my hands and introduced us to Kearsta as her parents. Derek and I cried as this was so touching and better than we ever expected. I had written a letter that I read to them during this time. The letter talked about the journey that we were walking together yet experiencing it all differently. The most important part was telling them that we loved them just as much as we loved Kearsta. We told them that they were now a part of our family and that would never change. Our social worker had told us that oftentimes birth parents feel as though all the adoptive parents were in it for was the baby and we did not want them feeling that way. After getting to know them and loving them we felt attached far beyond our connection because of Kearsta. After we read the letter they asked that we take great care of her and we told each other that we loved everything about each other and our experience together. Once Derek and I were done talking with them we left the room so they could feed Kearsta and have more time alone with her.
Once the results of Kearsta's bilirubin test came back we all packed up and moved downstairs to finish our entrustment ceremony by a beautiful waterfall on the hospital grounds. Kearsta's birth mother wanted to hand Kearsta over to me, mother to mother, right as we were leaving the hospital. Once she did the hand over her dad prayed for us. He told an amazing story about how he didn't think that they would be able to go through this process, but now he knew that they could do anything. We were all in tears.
As we walked to the car to head home Derek had a very personal moment. He experienced the feelings that his birth mother may have felt when she passed Derek on to a better life. I am so glad that Kearsta will have so many people to connect with about her adoption, anyone in her birth family and her daddy. She will not have to spend her life wondering who she looks like, who she acts like, if her birth parents like the same things, etc. My heart feels warm every time I think of all of the people who love Kearsta and know that there isn't a love for her as deep as her birth parent's love for her.
Kearsta and I still talk about her adoption story on a regular basis because we want it to be a regular part of her life. We plan on raising her having the conversations and allowing her to ask any question that she has of us or her birth family because she is just that lucky!

 

The hospital has a photography service. They came to the birth family's room and took some pictures of Kearsta when she was a day old.

Man, riding in the car is a tough job!

Hosptial Stay Day One . . .

Hospital time is stressful for any parents, but it can be extremely stressful for the birth and adoptive families. Sure, you have met and may or may not know each other well, but when the baby is involved emotions can run high. The birth family is going through emotions that I cannot imagine including reconsidering their adoption plan. As the adoptive family we were told to expect the unexpected and go with the flow. Our caseworker also said that the hospital time tends to be the most stressful for everyone involved.
Since Kearsta was born so late at night we found ourselves running on adrenaline into the early morning hours. After birth the hospital allowed one hour for the family to hold the baby before going to the nursery. After the hour Kearsta's birth father, Derek and I walked Kearsta down to the nursery to be checked out form head to toe.

As the nurse checked Kearsta over she was passing all of the requirements. Kearsta's birth mother had gestational diabetes which contributed to her large birth weight. It also can cause newborns to have a drop in blood sugar. While in the womb babies manage their blood sugar through the umbilical cord. Upon birth they suddenly lose that and the baby has to begin managing their own. The nurse checked Kearsta's blood sugar and it registered at 30. She had to have a 50 in order to be cleared for that blood sugar round. Lucky Kearsta got to eat right away! She took the bottle like a champ in her birth father's arms. After she ate we had to wait another hour before testing her blood sugar again.

After an hour Kearsta's birth mother walked down to the nursery to give Kearsta her first bath. It was a really special time for her birth parents and something that they really wanted to be involved in. We also had Kearsta's footprints and a fingerprint of each of her birth parents inked into a book about adoption called "Forever Fingerprints."
After our time in the nursery we all retreated to our rooms in hopes of getting some sleep. Kearsta went to her birth parents' room for a couple of hours and then came to Derek and my room for the remainder of the night. I remember her waking up at one point and I jumped out of bed and had her in my arms to care for her. The next morning I only had vague memories of this happening and I knew that I was exhausted!
Friday Derek and I tried to stay out of the birth family's way. We wanted them to have the time that they needed with Kearsta. We took a nap and I dealt with getting Kearsta added to my health insurance. They had some visitors and my mom and stepfather, Gary also came to the hospital to visit. Derek and I kept pinching ourselves as the time was so relaxed. There was never a point that Derek and I felt scared that Kearsta wasn't going to be coming home with us as we had been warned of by our caseworker. We continued to laugh and enjoy each others company as we passed our sweet baby girl around the room to be loved and snuggled. There was even a point in the day that we compared Kearsta's length and size to that of a foot long Subway sandwich. There were many laughs and memories made that day!

The Arrival . . .

Derek and I made the trip to Colorado Springs the evening of September 5, 2012. Kearsta's birth mother was being admitted to the hospital for an induction. It was surreal making the drive. It was the last time Derek and I would be a family of two plus a dog. It was the last time there wouldn't be another person or remnants of another person in the back seat of the car. We were giddy with anticipation although we did acknowledge the change that was coming.
When K's birth mother, birth father and birth grandparents arrived at the hospital we were so excited to see each other. We know that it was a time of fear and unknown as well for her. The whole crowd (six of us) marched up to the Labor and Delivery floor in anticipation of the arrival. I don't know what the hospital staff thought of our entourage, but I thought it was pretty cool to have so many supportive people surrounding the birth of the baby! K's birth mother got all settled in and the wait began. Derek and I were unsure of how the night would go so we offered to retreat to my parents house for the night and return in the morning. The whole family quickly said that they wanted us there for the duration of the time so I went downstairs and brought up our necessities.
That night was quite entertaining. Again, I think the hospital is used to one, maybe two people staying in the delivery room overnight. There were five of us, one hospital bed and a couch. We weren't sure what we were going to do for sleep, but honestly I didn't care. I was feeling so blessed to be experiencing this time with them. Around 11 PM the nurse came in and realized that we were all planning to spend the night. She graciously brought us the "mattresses" from the delivery beds to put on the floor along with pillows and blankets. At this point we all attempted to sleep. Let me say that the birth father and Derek got plenty of sleep including some snoring and talking in their sleep. K's birth grandmother and I were jumping at every need that K's birth mother needed along with the nursing staff coming into the room every couple of hours to check on her sleep was not something we enjoyed that night!
By 8 AM everything was rolling to have the baby. K's birth mom was a champ with the contractions and the pain. She had said that she wanted to forgo the epidural as long as possible. Honestly, I know I will never know, but I am pretty sure I would have told the doctors to put that sucker in upon admission (not an option, I know)! We spent the morning chatting about life, laughing, smiling, texting our loved ones and playing Scattegories. I was so glad that I had grabbed the games on the way out of the house because they were a great distraction for our wait. I also had Derek pick up a couple of movies to pass the time. If there is one thing I know how to do it is how to pass the time in a hospital!
There were so many great memories packed on top of the thousands that we already had with this wonderful family. I probably should have been writing a play by play so I could remember it all, but I like being surprised when I am doing something and one of those memories comes to mind. Derek and I spent the day filled with love, elation, anticipation and unknown.
Once the evening hours arrived I think all of us were becoming antsy. The nurse came in around 6 PM and said that the hardest part was about to begin. At some point our conversation turned to peaches and Palisade, Colorado. The nurse, Brook, piped in and said that she was born in Glenwood Springs and adopted by a couple in Montrose. She said that her adoptive father was a pastor so they had lived a lot of places during her childhood with the final place being Cheyenne, WY. Of course I piped up! I told her that I was from Cheyenne and asked the name of her parents. Sure enough, I knew her parents. They are best friends with my Godmother who also happens to be the grandmother of my childhood best friend. It was an AMAZING connection. Brook was due to complete her shift at 7 PM, but chose to stay with us until Kearsta made her appearance. All of us were so grateful because all we wanted for K's birth mom was a smooth delivery without extra anxiety and tension due to the unknown.
During the hardest part there were four of us there to support her. At one point we all looked at each other and realized that K's birth mom was the only one on her coaching team (both birth grandmother's birth father and me) to experience birthing a child. That quickly changed our perspective and the words we said to her. It was a trying time, but K's birth mom was amazing. She did all of the hard work and experienced all of the pain to give her family and our family the best gift in the world, Kearsta Annaliese born September 6, 2012 at 10:34 PM. She was 8 pounds 13 ounces and 21 inches long.

Kearsta's first photo op!

 She was a BIG girl! I had a moment of "oh no" because I didn't think she would fit into the newborn clothes I had packed for the hospital time. Luckily it all worked out!

Seriously . . .

I am so sick to my stomach right now I figured I should blog about it! Before Kearsta was born her birth grandmother told me that her birth mom was intolerant of milk and soy formulas as a baby. This is the type of stuff that I listen to and put in the forefront of my mind.
When Kearsta was born I asked the nursery nurse about the signs of a milk allergy and she said that we would more than likely not know until after we left the hospital. Once we arrived home we moved her to powder formula because the stuff they use in the hospital is $9 for 12 ounces. I notice a change immediately. She seemed to do much better on the ready-made formula. I had a conversation with the nurse that visited our house to monitor the jaundice about the difference between the ready-made and powdered formula. She said that there is no proof that it is difference between the two, but looking at them it is clear that there is some difference. I took off to Babies R Us that evening and bought ready-made formula. No, I didn't pay $9 for 12 ounces, I ended up buying Enfamil Infant ready-made to save some money. It was clear from the start that it was not a good fit for her.
When Kearsta was 12 days old I called her doctor looking for approval to change her formula. That was not the response that I received. Instead both the nurse and the doctor told me that it was "normal" baby stuff. Spitting up and over-exertion when pooping was "normal." I figured since she was the doctor it was so.
Soon after that we found some generous formula donors from our adoptive friends that have babies within weeks of Kearsta and Parker Adventist Hospital's Adoption Program. We were able to supply the ready-made Newborn formula to Kearsta for about two weeks. She seemed to do better on it although still excessive spitting up, vomiting and over-exertion with pooping when she did poop.
At the two week doctor's visit I brought up my concerns again. Again I was told that it was all normal. She was gaining weight and so everything else that was happening was okay. Why was I concerned?!
After we ran out of the our donation formula we moved back to the powder with the same results as before. I called the doctor again without an approval or assistance with changing the formula. At the one month doctor's appointment it escalated to an ultrasound on Kearsta's abdomen to check for blockages in her digestive tract. Everything was normal.
At five weeks old I finally got fed up. I knew something was not right. I marched off to Walmart and bought soy based formula. Kearsta was in heaven. No more spitting up and absolutely no vomiting, but it did make her extremely constipated. Out went that formula and the improvement that we had made :-(
The next step was the sensitive formula. Still milk-based, but the proteins are easier to digest. When she went on this the spitting up was less and she was able to poop, but we quickly went on a downhill slide on Monday.
Kearsta decided that she was sick of feeling crappy so she proceeded to scream for two and half hours. We did everything that we could until she finally wore herself out and went to sleep. She then awoke on our way home from her grandparent's house and was awake until 1:00 AM crying. THIS WAS NOT OUR BABY! For the first five weeks of her life she was laid back, slept a lot and deep, had nothing to complain about and other than three to four hour pooping sessions she was good.
When we woke up this morning she was refusing to eat. Between 5 AM and 3 PM she ate one ounce of formula. When she was awake she was crying, when she was sleeping she was wimpering and sometimes she would even break out into a hysterical cry while still fast asleep.
After talking to a bestie at coffee this morning I had the confidence to call and complain again, but this time it would be to a different doctor. We marched into his office at 4 PM and within three words he said that I was not going to be happy with him. I continued telling him the signs and symptoms and he kept nodding his head. When I told him the success we had on the soy aside from the constipation he was comfortable with a diagnosis. He asked me about the birth parents allergy history. He said that babies with one parent with allergies have a 50% chance of having a milk allergy. Babies that have two parents with allergies have a 75% chance of having a milk allergy. By 4:15 PM he told me that there was no question that she had a milk allergy. I almost threw up on the floor right there. What he was telling me was that for the past five weeks we had been poisoning our baby with something that she could not tolerate. I am so grateful for my mommy instinct of a continuous test of formulas because he was able to tell me what to go purchase (expensive formula) immediately.
I walked out of the office feeling like I wasn't insane. We went to Target immediately and purchased the liquid gold that will add up to about $6.00 per bottle. I tell ya, I would pay $100 per bottle just to have my sweet baby back!

Kearsta had her first bottle at 6 PM and now she is just as content as can be. I am so thankful for Dr. Thomas and the formula Gods for giving us our life back!
So, I now have a formula graveyard. I currently have seven different types of formula in all shapes and sizes . . . hopefully we (or someone) will get to use the liquid silver someday!
Okay, I feel better now!

Ready, Set . . .

Well, I have been in countdown mode for a LONG time. We officially have three weeks left to the due date of September 12th, but I just received a text from the birth grandmother that they will be inducing birth mom one week early.  So I have to adjust my countdown to a date of September 5th.  Needless to say, we are only two weeks away from meeting our baby girl!
The reality of this is so exciting Derek and I can barely wait for the two weeks to pass.  On the other end I am a little stressed because I will not be at work for twelve weeks. I cannot imagine life going on at work without me for that long! I am sure once Kearsta arrives I will not be worrying about work and wishing that time will slow down.
I have been in hyper nesting mode for months now . . .

 We are going to be doing A LOT of reading

 No need to leave the house bald

 A beautiful set of headband and butterfly wings made by Derek's cousin's wife, Mandy. 

I can't wait to get these on Kearsta!

 It looks so comfy and snuggly

 All stocked up on diapers and wipes

 Diapers galore

 We will be set for a couple of weeks

 Even though she looks interested she just doesn't understand how her life will be changing

 Her feet will always look fashionable!

 Lots and lots of clothes ranging from newborn to 18 months

The car seat is installed and checked by a professional

The pack and play will go up this weekend after I spend some time getting a pedicure and manicure with birth mom. Needless to say, we are ready for our bundle of joy to join our family any day!

On a sadder note, the doctor who delivered me thirty years ago and sixteen years after laid my options to live a pain free life on the table passed away on Sunday. I credit Dr. McGuire with so much of who I have become because of my experiences with him. He took a lot of criticism after completing a hysterectomy on a sixteen year old child. It was completely my decision as he only supported it and helped me get my life back. His death brings sadness to my heart although I know that I now have an additional extended family in our birth family that we would not have without him. He will be missed, but everyday I look into Kearsta eyes I will thank him for helping me be her mommy.

Connections . . .

Derek and I had a great experience today. We were able to connect with other couples who are on the same path to grow their families as we are.
Our agency, Hope's Promise, hosts an "almost annual" picnic for all of the adoptive families including those who have just applied all the way to those who adopted through their agency twenty years ago. It was amazing to see all of the families knowing that they are all like us, taking the voyage of adoption.
As Derek and I talked with other couples and families I had this feeling of how awesome it was to finally put a personality to all of the pictures and conversations that have taken place over Facebook and emails over the last year. We even shared those things that we have been meaning to say, but waiting until we were in person. As I reflect on this afternoon I find myself thankful for having the connections in adoption that we do.
Outside of the agency a group for waiting families was started about six months ago. The goal was to connect with other couples in the same place that we were. About five to six couples gather on a monthly basis to share their month, their lives and their stories as they continue in the adoption process. The group is eclectic because all are invited at any point of the process. Some couples are still waiting for a match while others are matched, but waiting for birth and some are coming up to their six month finalization date.
When Derek and I heard about the group we weren't sure that we wanted to be a part of it. It seemed like such an awkward time to gather with other couples with the same goal in mind, a baby because there is an inhering feeling of competition!
I attended the first group by myself because Derek was skiing. I shared our story and listened to the others.  There was a couple there who had just matched the week before with the due date of their baby in a couple of weeks. It was a neat experience to hear their journey the week before the meeting because it was a glimpse into our future. I left their feeling a lot of different emotions. I knew that this was something that I needed even though it felt odd.
Being a part of this group has become a part of the month that we look forward to. Through the group we have many new friends that we are taking our voyage with. It is always enjoyable to gather and hear about the events that are taking place, the opinions of others and joys when the dreams are finally realized. It is a place of support that others outside of the world of adoption cannot understand.
When Derek and I started our voyage we did not realize how important these connections would be to us. We have spent our married life relishing in each other and loving every minute of it. Through our voyage with these other people we have found life long friends and supports that we have grown to love. We are so thankful to have their support through this and love that we can support them on their journey.

I Will Never Know . . .

I don't know that I believe in destiny or that the path that I am on was laid out by God before I was born. I do know that throughout life there are many things that have happened that caused my path to change. Whether it was in the cards from the beginning I will never know.
The month of August I find myself reflecting on all of the things in my life that have happened that changed my path as I knew it. The reason this month sends me into a whirlwind of reflection is because of a tragedy. On August 12, 1993 my brother, Brent, was killed at 20 years old.  My family found out on the eve of August 13. It was this day that one of the best summer's of my life came to a screeching halt. My family was found at forks in the road even though the fork on the right was no longer available. We all took the fork on the left yet we all found ourselves in different areas of our destiny. Being that I was 11 years old at the time I had much less freedom to choose how I was going to deal with the change. My parents and two other brothers (27 and 24 years old) had more control over how they dealt with the tragedy than I did. I watched how everyone dealt with it and followed some things while I found different ways to do other things. It was a time that still feels like happened yesterday even 19 years later. Wow, 19 years . . . if you were to ask any of us within the first five years after Brent's death I bet we all would have said we didn't think we would ever live this long without him.
From 1993 to 2011 there were so many things that changed my path as I knew it. Sometimes the change was my decision, but more often than not it wasn't my choice. Some were easier to deal with than others, but all left an imprint on my heart that will never be forgotten.
In 2011 I added another life changing situation with the death of my dad. As a family we knew that he wasn't healthy and would be dying at a relatively young age. Once my dad heard that his body was failing him, the death of my brother and the divorce of my parents he found it hard to be anything but depressed. Time with him became even more cherished, yet I still took advantage of everything that he did for me and gave to me. It wasn't until college that I truly began to understand the man who would have given anything to ensure that I had the best life possible. There are many moments in my life that he looked at me, gave me a hug and gave me advice that contributed to the path that I am on now. Even after knowing for years that his death was imminent due to his unwillingness to care for himself it is still at the top of my current list of the hardest things I have been through. Without him we would not be at the part of adoption that we are at and I am thankful for that everyday.
I am not writing this information to depress you. I am writing this because our daughter will be born with a change in her path when she is 48 hours old. She will have a fork in the road the right side will be blocked just as it was for my family in 1993. Our daughter will not get a chance to choose rather she has to trust that her birth parents have gone along with destiny or God's plan so she can be the best person she can be.
I am appreciative that I have a personal understanding of similar loss and grief that Kearsta will feel throughout her life just as Derek feels it to with his own adoption story. As we get closer to her birth we will never know if it is destiny or God's plan, but we are thankful that we get to be the ones along the path that she is going to be coming down.

Her Broken Heart . . .

When preparing to become a parent and then parenting the last thing you ever want is for your child to be sad, hurt or grieving. Although adoption is a wonderful gift that I cannot describe in words it does come with hurt for the birth family, birth parents, the adoptive parents and the adopted child.
As adoptive parents, Derek and I have gone through our own journey of hurt and loss because we will never have a child biologically born out of our love for each other. This is something that we have grieved from our second date. I personally have experienced anger, bargaining with God, questioning the reason for this journey and finally reaching acceptance (about a week before we were called with our match).
After birth and coming home with us our daughter will experience her own journey of hurt and loss because she no longer hears the sounds, voices, laughs, music, etc. that she has spent nine months getting to know. She will wonder where all of that has gone. She will be going through her own grieving process because she has a broken heart. Along with her broken heart she also has no trust in the world. By removing her from her biological parents she has lost everything that she trusted in for nine months.
As her adoptive parents it will be extremely important that we gauge her level of bonding and attachment from day one. Derek and I will spend our days holding her, carrying her in a sling (womanly) or other carrier (manly), feeding her in our arms, changing her diapers, bathing her, massaging her and reaching out for her anytime she fusses or cries as it is extremely important to meet her every need immediately. By doing this we are not spoiling her as it is our belief that a baby can NEVER be spoiled. She is not crying because she is tricking us into giving her attention, but rather because she is in need at that moment. By being so attentive to her we are showing her that she can trust that her every need will be met that time and throughout the rest of her life.
After hearing about this issue at our training in October I began preparing for this process that is both exciting and devastating. I have spent many hours reading up on bonding and attachment for adopted children. I have had some heartwarming moments and some sad moments as I have read through the stories others have told. Most eye opening comparison that I have read is called A Different Perspective. Essentially it compares the loss that an adoptive child experiences to waking up one day not knowing your husband. Even though you do not know him you have choices to make. These choices are showing signs of grief or going with the flow of the life you do not remember. Take time to read it if you are interested.
As the parents of this precious baby it is our goal for her to be able to develop the bond and attachment with us that will be necessary for her to be secure in herself throughout her life. Knowing this goal we have to make a decision that will be tough for all of our loved ones that are filled with so much excitement and love for our daughter. We are asking that in the first few months all of our visitors keep their holding and cuddling of the baby to short amounts. Derek and I will be the ones feeding, changing, putting her to sleep and meeting every other need that may arise so we can be consistent and begin to build trust and a bond that will result in attachment.
We do value each and every one of you as we know that you are going to play a very important role in her life, but our perspective is that there will be plenty of time for that. It may be difficult to understand, but please know that we are doing the best for her. We look forward to the times where holding and cuddling her can be unlimited for all of our loved ones.
On a more positive note, we are in the final count down. As of this Wednesday we will have seven weeks to the due date. It has been a long voyage, but we are so thankful to have been on it as we have added to our extended family as well as adding to our immediate family.

In 3D . . .

Yesterday we had a beautiful experience, the 3D Ultrasound. The birth parents told us that they wanted us to attend this appointment with them at our match meeting.

All I can say is wow, it was amazing! Technology has come so far that yesterday we were able to see the baby girl's face and hand. Yes, I was almost in tears while Derek is saving them up for her birth! In that moment when the technician took the picture and it came up on the screen it made everything real.

The conversation moved to the features that she had from her birth parents. It was decided that the two most decided features were the nose and the big head from birth dad! The technician also said that as of yesterday she was weighing in at three pounds four ounces. We were so glad to hear that she is growing right on target.

The Name . . .

Almost every infant expert out there says that the chosen name is the most important part of having a baby. Knowing the importance of this it can be a stressful job! As I was reading about the importance I stumbled upon a list of names that celebrities have chose over the years. Go ahead, have a laugh!

• Apple - Daughter of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin
• Audio Science - Son of Shannyn Sossamon and Dallas Clayton
• Coco Riley - Daughter or Courtney Cox Arquette and David Arquette
• Emme Jenna - Daughter of Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony
• Free (which babies are not!) - Son of Barbara Hershey and David Carradine
• Harlow Winter Kate - Daughter of Nicole Richie and Joel Madden
• Keelee Breeze - Daughter of Robert Van Winkle (AKA "Vanilla Ice") and Laura Giarritta
• Maddox Chivan - Son of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt
• Moon Unit and Diva Muffin - Daughter of Frank Zappa and Gail Zappa
• Moxie Crimefighter (seriously!) - Daughter of Penn Jillette and Emily Jillette
• Poppy Honey and Petal Rainbow Blossom - Daughters of Jamie and Jools Oliver
• Rumer Glenn - Daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore
• Ryder Russell - Son of Kate Hudson and Chris Robinson
• Sage Moonblood - Daughter of Sylvester Stallone and Sasha Czack
• Sailor - Daughter of Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook
• Sosie Ruth - Daughter of Kyra Sedgwick and Kevin Bacon
• Spec Wildhorse (no foolin!) - Son of John Cougar Mellencamp and Elaine Irwin
• Teddy Jo - Daughter of John Cougar Mellencamp and Vicky Granucci 
• Pilot Inspektor, son of Jason Lee and Beth Riesgraf

How is that for choosing the most important part?! So this brings me to the story of the name we will be giving our daughter.

I was a very imaginative child. Since my brothers were so much older than me (16, 13, and 10 years) I was essentially raised as an only child. My brothers would say I am spoiled. Its all about perspective, I guess! During the many hours of playing dolls I would name them. These names were often not common because I didn't want my child (or doll at the time) have to share their name with one or two other children in their class. There are a lot of Sara/Sarah's out there! I had a world all of my own surrounding me. 

At some point during this time period I came up with our name. I had heard the names Kristi/Kristy (two of my friends), Kristen (another friend), Kirsi (a classmate) and Kirsten (another classmate). Since I knew people with the other names it would not fit my requirement of an unusual name! Kearsta fit my requirements perfectly!

When Derek and I started talking about our future children we both had our favorite names picked out. Luckily I had a favorite girl name and he had a favorite boy name. We both liked the other names and went with those with little discussion. It is almost surreal to me that after all of these years (probably around 20) my dream of having a daughter named Kearsta is coming true!

Since Derek and I never discussed first names we most certainly had never discussed middle names! Once we met our birth parents we decided that we wanted them to choose her middle name. I think this will be a perfect gift to our daughter's adoption story.

A couple of days after telling the birth parents I received a text message. The birthmom said that they had narrowed it down to two names, Nicole or Annaliese. I text her back and said that I would talk to Derek and let her know. She send me another message saying that she was leaning toward Annaliese. I told her that was the choice. I would not feel good if we would have chosen Nicole as that would have taken away the gift they were going to give her.

So we are all in agreement (adoptive parents, birth parents, birth grandparents) that her name will be Kearsta Annaliese Grady.  We love it!

The Expectations . . .

As part of the adoption process in the state of Colorado adoptive families are required to attend a two day training.  The training includes information on bonding and attachment, parenting styles, cross-cultural adoption, care of an infant, a birth parent panel and so much more.  Derek and I attended the training along with my mom and part-timers Gary and his parents.  We wanted our family there as we want all expectations to be the same as we bring a child into our home.
The first task at hand during the training was to think about our expectations of the adoption process.  We then shared them with our table and then with all participants at the training (A LOT of people were there).  Some of the expectations were transparency from the agency and from the adoption triad (birth parents, adoptive parents and child), the agency doing their job of networking, a fast as possible time frame from date of application to home study completion and match, ongoing support and resources over time, etc, etc.  Once we were all done sharing the director of our agency stood up and said "the one thing that is interesting is that no one said their expectation is a child."  Oops, guess we all just assumed it was an innate expectation!
This cued Derek and I into considering our expectations during this process.  From our second date our expectation was to adopt.  We attended an adoption seminar within our first year of marriage where my expectation was go gain information on adoption and an agency that would let us start the process THAT DAY!  After two years of marriage our expectation was to find an agency that would walk us through the process in a swift, kind, caring and honest way.  Once we submitted our paperwork our expectation was that the state and federal government would process everything speedily so we could get on our way.  Once the background stuff was completed we expected to be in the pool waiting for a match within six weeks.  That expectation was quickly blown out of the water (as I shared before) so our expectation changed to the marriage evaluation getting done quickly.  After that four week delay our expectation returned to a speedy home study process.  Once we completed our process our expectation was a quick match.  My expectation then became becoming prepared to bring our baby home within a very short time frame.  Ummm . . . if you have been reading my blog you can now see that expectations are impossible to hold.  The theme of every adoption journey should be HAVE NO EXPECTATIONS.  The reason for no expectations is that is protects the heart and the mind through the process.  To walk along never being disappointed creates a lightness that not everyone has during this time.  Let me be real though, even though the agency suggested having no expectations it is IMPOSSIBLE (especially for the type A personality such as myself)!  Now I do give Derek a lot of credit because I believe that he didn't have any expectations other than to take the voyage and eventually be a dad.
As I have shared before, Derek and I have received a unique gift.  We were matched with our birth family when she was 22 weeks pregnant.  Their adoption case worker said this was one of the earliest matches they have ever done.  Typically families are not matched until six to eight weeks before the due date.  At the original match meeting there are scripted questions that are reviewed such as sharing more about yourself, why you have chosen adoption, possible baby names and finally the expectations of the relationship following the placement.  At the match meeting the birth mother shared that she wanted monthly updates of pictures and notes by email and two visits a year usually around the birthday and the holidays.  Derek and I were fine with that because we went into this meeting with completely open hearts.  Honestly, we had expected more.  We told them that at the meeting as we know that things can change over time and more or less may be needed.  We shared that our expectation was honesty as we steered our ship after Kearsta's birth.  We left that meeting feeling that our expectations were being met and our hearts were still open for change along the way.
Needless to say our early matching has given us a lot of time to get to know each other and to develop expectations of our relationship.  When we walked into this journey we did not have an expectation of what time would look like between match and birth because we did not even consider matching at 18 weeks before the birth.  Since our match meeting in early May we have met with the birth parents once by themselves and the once with both of their families.  We absolutely love everyone and feel so accepted by them.  We are planning another gathering at our home in July and then probably nothing else until Kearsta is born.
At our last gathering we had a barbeque at the birth mom's house.  It was a relaxed environment that completely revolved around the birth parents.  This has been natural because of their age.  One thing that I have not shared is that they are young, very young to be having to make such adult decisions about another life.  Once dinner was done the birth parents, Derek and I all went for a round of miniature golf.  The birth parents love us so much that we played three different 18 hole courses with breaks for sugar in between!  It was a great time.
Now, back to expectations.  After our second meeting with them I emailed the case workers involved asking what the typical number of visits were before the birth of the baby.  Derek and I had discussed meeting with them once a month and then attending doctor's appointments.  Both ladies felt that was a great plan although they did warn that we should not do anything now that we will not be willing to do after placement.  Okay, we can handle that.
During our time at the miniature golf place I felt that the expectations that were shared at our match meeting may be changing.  There were comments such as they can call us Aunt and Uncle, we should do Thanksgiving together (since it will be her first), they won't be telling her she was adopted until she is five years old, we should always hang out like this, etc, etc.  Once we left I shared with Derek that I felt as though we were on a slippery slope.  Don't get me wrong, we are willing to do everything that they mentioned, but I didn't want it to get too out of hand because we had our own families to tend to as well.  I also take into account the birth parent's grieving process once Kearsta comes home with us and whether or not meeting at the level they are suggesting would hinder them.  Even writing about it now puts a pit in my stomach because I just don't know what is right.
I shared with Derek that I am going to have a girl's only lunch with the birth mom  to lay all of our expectations out on the table.  He hesitated for a long period of time.  After some conversation he agreed with reservations that now is the time to revisit the expectations that we are all feeling as our relationship with each other continues to blossom.  I will be having lunch with her on Friday so we can discuss our thoughts and feelings as we pass the 12 weeks until due date point.
The point of this whole post is that it is impossible to have no expectations as we go through our lives every day.  The important point to reach during this or any process is that the expectations have to be flexible.  All involved have to be willing to meet in the middle.  As I approach this topic with birth mom I am both excited and apprehensive to hear where her expectations and birth dad's expectations are at this point.  I will keep you posted!

The Ultrasound Says . . .

The day after our match meeting the birth parents found out the gender of the baby. When their social worker called to confirm that it was a match she said that the birth parents wanted to tell us the gender in person. She gave the birth family our phone numbers that night. Derek and I waited for the next few days anxiously awaiting the call to get together again.

The birth grandmother called almost a week later to set up our meeting. It was a great conversation full of checking in and excitement for everything that our families are now sharing. At the end of the conversation she told me to talk with Derek and come up with a time to meet up with them. After not very much talk Derek and I decided that Saturday, May 19, 2012 would be the day. When I called the birth grandmother back I told her to ask the birth parents where they wanted to meet. During our match meeting we had discussed meeting for frozen yogurt, but asked her to confirm.

On Saturday Derek and I both experienced butterflies all day as we contemplated the gender of the baby. Derek was sure that it was a girl and I continued with my pessimistic view of life and said it was going to be a boy. We have both said all along that we want a girl, but of course would be happy with just a baby! Either way we had a 50% chance of being right which is pretty great odds!

We arrived at the yogurt place a few minutes early and awaited their arrival. This meeting was different because we knew what they looked like and a little about their personalities. When they walked in their excitement filled the room. the birth mom was carrying a gift wrapped in pink and blue paper to not give away the surprise. We greeted with hugs and ordered our ice cream. It was interesting to see their choices to compare our likes and dislikes!

We sat and shared more about our lives including our hobbies, the ending of the school year, plans for the summer, etc. We were laughing with each other that sparked a comment from our birth mom that touched our hearts, "I have laughed more today than I have in a long time. This is why we picked you!" Every time we see them the path that God put into place was shown again.

Once we finished our ice cream we opened the gift. Derek opened one side and I opened the other. Derek could not look in the box because he was too nervous. Once I opened it up I saw pink scrapbook paper and was hoping for the best. Sure enough, there were ultrasound pictures of our baby and our hopes and dreams were granted, a girl! There was also a cute sundress for next summer in the box to add to this girl's growing wardrobe.

After the discovery we again shared our name for a baby girl, Kearsta, and let them know that we wanted them to choose her middle name. We feel that it is very important that they are able to give Kearsta as many gifts as possible to show their love for her throughout her life. They were surprised and ecstatic that they were going to have the opportunity to give her a name.

Kearsta's first photo!

This was such a special moment as we didn't think that we would ever see the ultrasound pictures. This will be framed and put in the nursery so we can tell Kearsta this story for years to come!

The Ultimate Mother's Day . . .

In the latest newsletter from Hope's Promise they gave resources to women struggling with Mother's Day because they were waiting to become mothers.  Honestly, grieving over Mother's Day has never been a part of my life because the day has always been about my mom.  Even with a baby on the way I still think of this day as a time to celebrate her.

There was no better way to tell my parents about the coming of another grandchild than in celebration of Mother's Day.  Derek is out of town over Mother's Day so we decided to celebrate a week early.

Over breakfast last Sunday I gave my mom a gift that contained picture frames with words about their perspective roles as grandparents.  I also included this poem:

I do not have a face to see,
Or put inside a frame.
I do not have soft cheeks to kiss,
I don't yet have a name.
You can't yet hold my tiny hands,
Nor whisper in my ear.
It's still too soon to sing a song,
Or cuddle me so near.
But all will change come September,
That's when they say I'm due.
I'm your new grandson or granddaughter,
I can't wait till I meet you.
All I ask between now and then,
Is your patience while I grow.
I promise I'll be worth the wait,
Because of all the love we'll know.
So what I have to give you now,
is a wish to you from me.
I cannot wait to be a part
Of this wonderful family.

Author Unknown

Both of them read the poem and said thank you, but they had not understood what it was really saying.  I told them to read it again.  My mom scanned it again, looked up and said "you got a baby?!"  Both Derek and I said yes.  My mom hooped and hollered in the middle of the restaurant with joy.

This was the best Mother's Day gift I could ever give!

Diapers needed . . .

On Thursday, May 3, 2012 we were going about life as normal.  I had just written my blog about being at peace with the wait and giving all control up to God on Wednesday evening.

On Thursday evenings we bowl in a league.  We love bowling because it gets us out of the house and is exciting.  Last Thursday I had an extremely emotional day at work.  The day was laden with medical emergencies, protecting students from themselves, everyone person having to pitch in, etc.  I had to deliver some devastating news to one of my students that is already emotionally fragile.  I was sitting at bowling thinking about her and hoping that I did not get a phone call from her dad saying she had given up.  A couple of hours into bowling I missed a call.  It was from an unknown 719 number.  I immediately called the number back hoping that something had not happened to my mom or Gary.  When the person on the other line picked up she said that she is a case worker with Hope's Promise.  I turned around and yelled at Derek that it was "the call."  I started jogging to get outside of the building so we could talk to her.  From my view Derek was walking slowly!

Once we got outside she told us that we had been chosen by a birth family that evening.  She told us about the birth family and wanted to know when we could meet.  The birth mother had two requests, she wanted to meet as soon as possible and wanted to meet at Mimi's Cafe so she could have the turkey dinner.  As any good waiting couple would do, we agreed!  We decided that Sunday evening Derek, myself, the case worker, the birth mother, the birth father, the birth father's mom and step-father and the birth mother's parents would meet for the first time.  At the conclusion of the conversation the case worker said that the birth parents wanted to know if we were excited.  I said that we were ecstatic and could not believe that it was our time!  Derek and I were both in such shock that our bowling went down the tubes for the night!

When bowling was over I had to tell someone that we had been picked.  Since we have entered the pool my mom has had the same reaction as I have had to the phone ringing, a jump.  We never knew when our call might come so in the back of our minds we always wondered if this caller was the one.  I told my mom a couple of months ago that she would not be getting the news over the phone so that excluded her from the first conversation.  I sent a text to my brother Todd at 11:00 PM on the east coast telling him to call me ASAP.  He called right away.  I shared the news and the excitement with him.  While I was on the phone with him my other brother, Mark called.  I told him as well.  I gave both of them very strict instructions that they were not allowed to tell mom anything.  I wanted to come up with something special to give her the news.

On Friday we had a professional development day at work.  My department attended the first part of the day that included announcements, celebrations, etc.  While we sat there I was trying to determine whether I should tell them or not.  When we left the meeting we were gathered chatting about all of the things that had been so difficult all week.  I got to a point that something positive had to be said so I asked "can I tell you some good news?"  Both of my coworkers turned to me and said sure.  I followed with "Derek and I have to plan our Baby Moon."  Both of them burst out in tears because they have been on the rollercoaster with me every day.  They could not believe the news either.  It was the news that we all needed to get through the day and finish off the week on a positive note.

On Sunday we went to our match meeting with the whole group.  There was a lot of nervous energy at first as we didn't know what we were going to be talking about.  The number of things in common with each person around the table was amazing.  It even got down to the birth father's best friend having the same name that we plan to name a boy, Taden.  It is not a common name so Derek and I were shocked when he said it.

At the conclusion of the meeting the caseworker said she was going to talk with us on Tuesday to see if we felt that this was a match.  I knew from the moment we started talking that it was.  Every detail was meeting every expectation we have had from the beginning.  Derek and I sat there so thankful because we were getting the best possible scenario, but we had to wait to make sure the feeling was mutual.

First thing this morning I left a message with our caseworker that as far as Derek and I were concerned it was a match.  She said she would share it with the birth family's caseworker and she would be letting us know.  We were expecting the call to come tomorrow, but I just got off the phone with her.  We are officially matched!  Phone numbers will be exchanged and we can start to build our relationship over the next 19 weeks as we await the birth of our baby.  Our next meeting will be over frozen yogurt and Derek and I cannot wait!

Now that we are at this point we can be thankful for every struggle that we have endured and thought was unfair.  I can say that we have prepared a home and will continue to prepare a home for the homecoming of our child in September!

P.S. Diapers are needed because those things are expensive!!!!!

Preparing a Home

Our adoption agency, Hope's Promise, sends out a monthly newsletter to waiting families with some interesting articles and tips on how to get through the wait. This month's just arrived in my inbox. I always open them eagerly because there are typically updates on the number of birth families in the deciding to make an adoption plan, the number of placements and any upcoming news. The updates are a way to continue hoping that our arms will soon be filled with a child. This month the director of our agency, Paula Freeman, shared her thoughts:

"Several months ago I met with three colleagues in my office, each of us adoptive parents whose journey included parenting territory for which there was no reliable road map. We discussed the un-arguable need for post adoption services and how Hope’s Promise might help to meet them.

"Paula, if resources were no object," Mary asked, "where would you begin?"

That’s one of the best questions anyone has ever asked me; I still ponder it. At the time, however, I shared two thoughts. First, I’d like to educate the American church. We’ve missed the point. It’s not about a program or a project. It’s not just about missions and love and feeding the orphans. It’s about the heart! It’s about embracing brokenness, supporting those who build their family through adoption and helping to create grace-filled faith communities.

Secondly, I want to prepare families for the differences of adoptive parenthood. That includes holding appropriate expectations, recognizing children may come with compromised beginnings and encouraging parents to identify their own wounds and allow God to begin a healing process in them before their child arrives.

In the months ahead we’ll use this space to do just that…to encourage, educate and challenge one another to embrace this wait as time to prepare a place. We’ll allow God to heal our hearts and make His thoughts our thoughts. We’ll consider how to include family members and build healthy support teams."

Derek and I went into our adoption with this Christian agency knowing that there was a lot of improvment that we needed to make when it came to our spirituality, church attendance and involvement in church. We do not consider ourselves Bible Thumpers or devout Christians by any means. We would often joke about how we needed to become more "Godly." We continue to talk on a regular basis about the reasons that we chose to celebrate Methodism. We appreciate their willingness to meet us where ever we are in our journey with God, their openness to every type of person that may enter their doors and the lack of guilt that is put on us for not attending church regularly. We feel that we can be our true selves every time we walk through the church doors. We find that we are thankful that we can believe that God is a man, woman, spirit, living in Heaven, etc. or we don't have to believe any of those things. When I read the words from Paula today it struck a cord in me. Even though we are not consistent church-goers we are still relying on God to show us our adoption path.

When we entered the pool at the end of January I was hoping for a short wait time because my arms have been yearning for a child as long as I remember. As we saw two friends that are part of our adoption support group bring home their babies I began to wonder where my path was leading me.

I put away my guilt for not being a better Methodist and started relying on God. I would pray that he would give me signs that I am doing the right things to prepare for a parenting journey that will be unique, challenging and more fulfilling than anything else I have ever done. I quickly began to find things that I needed to work on and most of it was guilt. I still struggle with the fact that I made the choice to have a hysterectomy at sixteen. I actually do not think that I truly grieved the inability to have my own children until I married Derek. I would often apologize to him for making the choice that I did. He would look at me like I was crazy because he went into this knowing adoption would be our journey. In order to settle my heart about this issue I had to quit apologizing. I had to become comfortable in the fact that I now had to give up control to God and the birth family that is choosing their jouney to grant us a family. Other than guilt I had and still have to learn to be patient. I cannot control the process. Changing our book, going to church more, going out of town, skipping things because I am have a bad "wait day" will not make the process any faster. God has already made our path and even though I don't know when our adoption journey will turn to a parenting journey I had and still have to learn to trust in the process. I have spent a lot of time in the last three months reading books about adoption, talking with others that have experienced adoption and those that have not. About a month ago I finally said, "Okay God, this is up to you and I am okay waiting for the child that Derek and I have dreamed of." When I said it I was able to mean it. I am okay with having to wait as I know that every day I am waiting I am stronger and have lived another day learning to let guilt go and patience. Today I am doing exactly what Paula hopes to give to the families giving and receiving in her business. We are learning to be encouraged, educated and challenged to embrace this wait as time to prepare a place. We’ll allow God to heal our hearts and make His thoughts our thoughts.

In the last week or so I have found a place of peace. I cannot believe how calm I feel. I give credit to my therapist, my co-workers and now God. Even though I am not as faithful as I should be he is still looking out for me and showing me the path to parenthood. At the end of her article Paula left this prayer: "Father, help me see this time of waiting through your eyes. My heart aches and my arms long to hold the child you have for me. I trust your appointed time. Help me to prepare a place that would honor you as I wait." This is the prayer that I have been saying since I have given it up to God. I am so thankful that I am being forced to make myself a better person so I can be a better mother, Derek can be a better father and our home can be the best for the child that God has chosen for us.

Baby Moon?

Derek and I love to travel.  I had never had a "real" vacation until I met him.  Growing up we always traveled to see family and oftentimes that is not a vacation!  Some of the happiest memories in Derek and I's relationship are from our trips together. 

Working for the school system gives us an advantage because we are guaranteed at least three vacations a year, Fall Break, Spring Break and Summer.  We make sure that we use each one wisely to get out of town and reset our minds with some relaxation.  We had talked for many months about taking another cruise to celebrate my 30th birthday.  We looked into some cruises and were discussing where we wanted to go.  When we were discussing this we were still in the approval phase of our adoption journey.  Once we entered the waiting period of this voyage I found myself with a lot of anxiety around being out of town when we received the call.  I quickly put a halt on all plans for a vacation during Spring Break and possibly over the summer. I said ABSOLUTELY NO to a cruise.  Derek was disappointed because he had his heart set on traveling more before our voyage as parents began.  There were a couple of weeks that we spent being unhappy at each other because of my anxiety level around traveling.

About ten days before I made the decision that we did not know when the match was going to happen so we better live it up!  We planned a trip to New York City for Spring Break.  This is a place that I have never been even though I have been to the East Coast numerous times to visit my brothers.  I also know that this is not a place that I would be seeing in the next ten to fifteen years if we didn't go now.  Derek has seen the Big Apple once before so a lot of it is going to be repeat for him.

So, I am confronting my anxiety and getting on a plane to go across the country for what could very possibly be our Babymoon!

The Profile Showing . . .

In the open adoption process there are times that we know our profile book is being shown. At other times we do not know that it is happening. 

When Derek and I were going through the process we had to identify the "type" of child we were willing to take. We had to decide how much alcohol, drug and tobacco use during pregnancy would be acceptable to us. We also had to decide the gamete of mental health issues in the birth family that we were willing to deal with (Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Schizophrenia, etc.). There were many contributing factors that we had to decide upon as we cannot expect that birth mother's are taking the same precautions that we would during pregnancy. 

When there is a profile showing that is beyond our preset parameters the agency sends us some background information on a birth mother. The information includes age, location, pregnancy health, family medical history and access to medical insurance. Derek and I then discuss the situation and make a decision on whether or not we want our profile shown.
In our process we have received two of these notifications. We decided to say yes to both. There wasn't anything reported that we did not feel that we could handle. Once we say yes we sit around until the profile showing day and then spend the next few days awaiting a call from the agency. Both times we have received an email that the birth mothers have chosen a different family. 

It is a bittersweet feeling during this time because we do not know if it is our time or not. I spend time thinking about what I could have done differently and sending positive vibes and prayers to the birth family. Once we hear that we were not chosen there is a period of sadness because we have to continue waiting yet there is a level of excitement for the family that has been chosen. Each time we tell ourselves that this was not our baby (not that we always believe it). We have become very creative at telling ourselves things to help us feel better about the situation yet we still find ourselves wondering when it will be our time.

Needless to say it has been an emotional roller coaster as we head into Spring and soon Summer. We can only hope that our wait will be short, but we know that it is all in God's plan and it will happen when it is time.

Adoption - Colorado Style

Derek and I began exploring our adoption choices early in our marriage.  Colorado is an agency state, which entails very clear standards and stipulations for adoptions statewide.  The process is the same for every prospective adoptive family without regard to the program that they are going through.

The couple chooses an agency to work with, attends an informational meeting, applies for the program, goes through all of the paperwork and background checks, does the SAFE Homestudy which is the same questions for everyone and includes one meeting as a couple, a meeting as individuals and a home visit.  The outcome of the SAFE Homestudy is to certify us as a foster family.  We have to be certified as a foster family within the state of Colorado because the adoption of our child will not be finalized until six months after placement.  During the six months the adoption agency is the holder of all major decisions for the child even though the child resides with us.

There are three programs that go through this exact process and to participate in any of them you would have to contract with an agency.  The programs are inter-country (international), domestic infant and designated adoption. 

Inter-country is the traditional adoption from China, Ethiopia, Russia, etc. that are often on the news.  Our agency has shared that in the recent years they have seen a decline in inter-country adoptions and an increase in couples doing domestic infant adoptions.  They have not said why they have seen this trend, but my guess is that the Hague Convention changed the standards a few years ago which has contributed to many countries either slowing down or shutting down all together for inter-country adoptions.  The wait time for these adoptions can be upwards of two years at times because of all of the hoops that have to be cleared.

Domestic infant adoption is the program that Derek and I have chosen.  We had to go through all of the steps above in order to move into the waiting pool.  The agency is given birth mother referrals and the social workers work intensely with them.  It is the agency's job to review all of the options that a birth mother has including abortion, parenting and adoption.  On our end we hope that the decision every time is adoption, but it is truly the birth mother's choice.  If the birth mother chooses an adoption plan she moves forward with an open adoption style.  This style allows the birth mother and birth father (if involved) to choose the family from profile books that they want their child to spend their lives with.  At that point the adoptive family is contacted and a match meeting happens.  During the match meeting the two parties meet with a social worker and get to know each other.  Once the match meeting is done the decision is made to move forward or not.  In most cases it is a match and the adoption plan continues.  The birth mother also has a hospital plan that details how she wants the birth and her hospital stay to be.  This may include us from the beginning, middle or end.   We have no say in what she chooses and have to be on her plan until she and/or the baby is released from the hospital.  Once placement happens we will maintain contact over the years with the birth family based on an agreement that we have created.  The agreement is not legally binding and if Derek and I feel that it is a detriment to our child for the relationship to continue we can stop all contact.

A designated adoption is when both the birth mother and the adoptive family find each other outside of the agency.  This is similar to how some states do adoption, adoptive families are on their own to find a birth mother.  The adoptive family still has to go through all of the hoops to be approved and the birth mother has to complete the counseling through the agency.

The other option outside of the agency is the foster to adopt program.  This would be an application through Human Services rather than an agency.  In this case it is unlikely that a child under the age of two years would be placed in your home and later be up for adoption.  Derek and I liked this option because it seems faster, but there is a lot more emotionality that comes with it.  If the child were to be removed from our home and returned to biological parents I do not know that I would be able to survive that situation.

Every state is different in the adoption realm.  Derek and I find ourselves thankful that ours is so managed by the state as we run a less risk of having the adoption fall through.

The Nursery

So, I have shared how difficult the wait time has been for me.  One way that I have combated it was to get the nursery ready.

This is something that I have dreamed about for as long as I could remember.  I had decorated the room in my mind time and time again over the years.  I could not believe that I was finally to the point that I could design a room that would be the place of safety and peace for our child.

I searched for weeks for a gender neutral theme and then spent some time thinking about colors.  Once I decided on a theme I was full boar to get the room completed and spening a lot of time on the Internet ordering stuff!  Derek and I spent some time at Guiry's looking at paint colors and brought some samples home.  It took us a couple of days to decide, but I knew I wanted the accent color to be sage green.  Luckily I have an in home professional painter who gave me a great discount on the painting, free!

On our first blizzard day of the season we spent the day cleaning our what was the office and putting together the crib and dresser.  We purchased the whole set the day before our final home study interview as a celebration of our journey to that point.

I spent the next couple of weeks putting the final touches on it until it was perfect.  The only piece missing now is the glider.  Babies R Us says it will take 10-12 weeks to arrive at their store . . . that seems like a REALLY long time!
Now that the room is done we are in love with it.  It turned out much better than we ever could have imagined.  We cannot wait to bring our bundle of joy home and spend hours rocking away, reading and singing songs.

 

Our Process

I have read a  lot of couples blog entries that either have been or are in the adoption pool with us.  They all talk about how quickly the process went for them and I find myself with some jealously.

We knew about six months after we were married that we would have to wait until our two year anniversary to apply for adoption in the state of Colorado.  We anxiously waiting two years and were excited to pass that point.

We applied to our agency in August 2011.  After weeks of sitting around and not hearing much I contacted them to ask what the next steps were.  At the end of September we had our administrative meeting where a binder of paperwork and steps for the process was handed to us.  The steps included fingerprints, a local background check, a state background check, a federal background check, an autobiography that was created using questions supplied to us by the agency and ended up being about eight pages long, checklists of personality traits to describe ourselves and our partner, our finances, medical history, mental health history and on and on.  We were told at the meeting that it would take eight to ten weeks to receive our background checks from the FBI.

After our meeting we diligently worked on our paperwork.  My goal was to have it turned in within a month so once our fingerprints returned we could move forward immediately.  Derek was only diligent because of my prodding!  It was a lot of work, but we got it done within my time frame.

We got a call in mid-November that our fingerprints had come back and we would be contacted by the end of the week for our next steps.  I received that call on a Friday afternoon.  The person on the other line said that there were some concerns with our file and that we needed to have a face to face meeting with her and our social worker.  The meeting was scheduled for Monday morning.  We processed through everything that we could think of over the weekend, finances, something in our background, our lack of regular attendance at church, etc.

When Monday finally came we drove on silence to our meeting.  We walked in and a bomb was dropped on us.  We were told that there were concerns about our marriage.  Derek and I were floored.  She read off the reasons that they had found such as perfectionism, critical, rigid, overly organized, highly emotional and so much more.  Of course, those were all of the traits that Derek had chosen from the many checklists to describe me.  Needless to say I was hurt and in shock.  There was not one positive thing that was mentioned that day and all of the negative was about me.  How could my whole personality be chalked up to a couple of checklists that landed us in a meeting?  We were told that we could withdraw from the agency or go to a counselor to have a marriage assessment done.  Based on the marriage assessment and the counselor's recommendations we could be delayed for a month or up to a year while we completed the steps to get our marriage on track.  Obviously, we chose the latter.

We left the meeting after I shed some tears and tried to explain the reasons I was perceived this way.  I felt broken down and thrown out because I work really hard on myself and had come a long way from my environment as a child.  I prided myself on my organization, my willingness to speak my mind and so much more.  I was frustrated that Derek thought all of those things about me and nothing positive.  I found myself spiraling down over the next couple of weeks as we moved through the next "suggested" phase of our process.

Within a week we were meeting with a counselor to have our marriage assessment done.  The adoption agency had written a letter describing their concerns and their expectations for our time with the counselor.  I was still questioning how all of the traits that Derek checked be a concern about our marriage, shouldn't that be a concern about me?!

After our first meeting we liked him, but just saw it as another delay.  We had to do a quiz on each other and assess our marriage between our first and second sessions.  It was very interesting as we answered the questions, but there was also a level of fear as we knew that this could either end positively or with shattered dreams.

When we returned to Dr. Mike for the second session he presented us with our results.  We were not surprised with the results at all as Derek and I know that our marriage is not in trouble.  I came from a divorced family, waiting for a long time to find my match and in no way was I going to let my marriage struggle.  We are very open with each other and have worked very hard on our communication over time.  Our counselor shared that we are a harmonious couple.  We have a great balance of time together and apart and have a great understanding of the other's personality.  Again, this information was not news to us, but it was very comforting.  As we moved through the assessment we did learn more about each other, but continued to feel bitter that we were even there.

After four sessions with Dr. Mike he wrote a wonderful letter of recommendation for us.  He suggested that we did not need any additional sessions as we were on the right track to have a healthy and long marriage.  He did not see any reasons that my personality traits would hinder my ability to parent or to stay married.  We were so relieved to see what he had written about us.

The agency called in the middle of January to say that they were ready to proceed with us.  The next step was the home study process.  Our first meeting consisted of answering questions similar to our autobiography like the type of parents we want to be, our childhoods, our jobs, our dreams for our future, etc.  This interview was done with our social work and together.

Our next meeting was done separate.  I had to answer questions about my family history, how I perceived my process to parenthood, in depth information on our infertility, my belief about God and religion and a lot more.  This went smoothly, but Derek and I both felt the fear of saying the wrong thing surface again.

The following week our social worker came to our home.  We gave her a tour and talked some more.  We were concerned that Hayla would be so excited that she would not be able to behave, but she did pretty well.  She was relentless though and HAD to be pet by our visitor.  At the end of that meeting we were told that we would be presented at the staff meeting the next day and would hear by that afternoon if we were approved or not.  She left us saying that she did not see any reason that we would not be approved.

That night was the first night in a long time that we went to be excited.  We were thankful that the process was completed and we were one step closer to parenthood.

The next day I received the call at work that we had been approved.  Needless to day, I was glowing and everyone knew it!