Remembering . . .

Twenty years ago tomorrow, August 12, 1993, my family's world was rocked to its core. We received news that my brother, Brent, had been killed during one of the worst decisions of his life. He was 20 years old. I was 11 years old.

 I can remember receiving the news like it was today. I was in California visiting my two other brothers, Todd and Mark. I was with Mark when we received the news. My mom called very late at night. Even though I knew it was her that called Mark did not share the news until the following morning. I am sure that was one of the many hard things Mark, 24 years old, had to do for his family. He seemed to be the strong one in the midst of it all, from an 11 year old's perspective. He took the trip to Phoenix, AZ to gather Brent's few remaining possessions and wrap up other loose ends.
I took my very first ride in a convertible driven my Mark's friend, Robert, through the California landscape from Palm Springs to San Diego. San Diego was Todd's home. I remember pulling up the house. Todd came out to the driveway to meet us. It was the most awkward moment. We weren't sure what to say so we just hugged.
The next 24 hours Todd, 27 years old, spent hours on the phone talking to our parents, airlines, friends, family members, etc. He spent 24 hours retelling the few details that we knew. He relived the news because he was trying to get to our family's home, Cheyenne, WY. We spent time in the airport trying to get on a flight home. I do not remember how long we were there or what kind of plane we were on, but I was in First Class. That was the first and only time I have had that privilege. I do remember the shock in the flight attendant's and other passenger's faces when I shared the reason I was on that plane. At 11 I had no idea that there was news that should be shared and news that should not be shared. Todd was sitting in Coach.
Once we all gathered in Cheyenne we were surrounded by our own grief as well as all others grief who had heard of Brent's death. My family seemed to be functioning even more as individuals than our normal. This was not a situation that brought us closer as a family.

As I reflect on the last 20 years I cannot believe that it has been so long. In the beginning some days were easier than others. After time, months would be easier than others and now it is years that are easier than others. At some point the pain becomes the normal . . . the loss becomes the normal . . . the longing becomes the normal . . . and life without him became the normal.
Sure, a lot of memories and sounds have faded over the years. I wish that wasn't the reality. Just because something is normal does not mean that it isn't at the front of my mind. There are many days that I think of him. His personality, his laughter, his smile, his love of life, his love of acting, his gift, but not love of singing, his love of sign language, and so much more are infused in my everyday life.
As I reflect on the last twenty years there is so much that he has missed. He has missed my junior high and high school years, my parents divorce, his brother's weddings, the birth of his niece, an avid softball player, and three nephews, one that looks a lot like him, one that loves football, and one that has a deep love of acting, Gary joining our family, my graduation from college, twice, giving me advice about life and love, my wedding, my choice of career, living each day without a parent and most recently his newest niece, Kearsta.

On the flip side I have missed seeing him fulfill his dreams of being an actor or a paramedic, or a nurse, or a flight for life nurse . . . he was still undecided at 20 (which is normal now), seeing him find a lifelong partner, seeing how he transformed from a 20 year old into a man with a full grown brain, the transformation of a damaged relationship with our dad, hearing about the purchase of his first home, the purchase of his first car, hearing about old and new friends, getting updated pictures, calling him late at night to share the latest drama, depending on him when I am in need, hearing about his vacation of a lifetime . . .there is just so much that I have missed as well. Thinking about this brings sorrow because he was so much more than what we remember of him. So much more that was left in him that we did not know about.
As this year passes it will be more difficult because twenty is A LOT. In a lot of ways my family is still rocked to the core. We talk about him often, but there is always the unspoken guilt that each of us feels. What could we have done differently? What could we have said? I don't believe my dad ever grieved the loss of him. I will be thinking of him a lot more tomorrow. I will be reflecting on how my life has changed because of him. I will be reflecting on the things I have done differently because of my world being rocked. I be thinking of the best ways possible to bring him to life for Kearsta. She deserves to know him too.

The Question . . .

So I am a little embarrassed that it has been so long since I have blogged. I
guess that is what parenthood does! This blog was a lifeline for me to share, process and feel better about my place in life for six months while we waited to bring a baby into our home. Now that has happened and I have been slacking. Below is a post that I started writing on March 23rd. No better time to finish it . . .

I have had a lot of people ask me if we are continuing a relationship with Kearsta's birth family. The answer is absolutely YES! At our match meeting they had asked for three to four visits a year and monthly updates. Two of the visits were specified to be Christmas and her first birthday. Derek and I had expected a lot more. I have to admit that we have been great at the visits, but I have not been so good at keeping up our share site. I can blame FB . . .

I have previously blogged about how much love we have for them. The love continues to grow as Kearsta grows. It is so special to have so many people who have unconditional love for our daughter. That is something we do not want to hinder in any way.

The first visit with Kearsta's birth family was when she was three weeks old. We went to her birth mother's house and just hung out. We ate, caught up on life and oogled over Kearsta. Her birth parents got a lot of time to love and hug on her. I cannot imagine being in her birth family's shoes and know that they have so much strength to continue to see Kearsta as she grows. Each visit is so bittersweet because we have to say see ya later at the end of our time.

 In November Kearsta's birth mom celebrated her birthday. We wanted to give her something that was timeless. At two months old we took Kearsta and her birth parents for a photo shoot. In November we were still working out the formula issues so Kearsta was still vomiting quite often. She made it through the photo shoot with little regurgitation, but let it go as we were all looking at the photos. I don't know if her birth parents were grossed out of feeling bad, but I felt horrible. Kearsta puked all over me, the floor and anything else that it could reach. After the extensive clean up we went to the Cheesecake Factory for a birthday meal! The pictures are something that will forever be in Kearsta's room. We talk about them with K so her birth parents are her normal.

At our first match meeting we had discussed seeing each other for Kearsta's first Christmas. We made the journey to Colorado Springs to see everyone in her birth family. We opened gifts, ate a wonderful meal and spent time loving on Kearsta. K was just starting to come out of the funk that babies are in until about three months. She was a little more interactive and showed some smiles throughout the day. We were far beyond spoiled by all of them. As I previously wrote I was not in the Christmas spirit this last year and felt bad that we hadn't spent more time doing for them all. On the positive note, Christmas will come again this year and I have vowed to be better!

March was a very busy time for visits with the family. At the Christmas visit we invited the birth family to Kearsta's finalization at court, the party and her baptism. All three were happening in the same weekend and they were determined to being at all of it. Derek and I knew that the finalization weekend would be full of a lot of people and business. We didn't want her birth family feeling left out so we made an impromptu trip to Colorado Springs for a visit the weekend before the festivities. It just so happened that K's birth mom was playing in an orchestra competition that weekend and it was also a surprise gathering for her mom's birthday. It was a perfect time to spend with them! The weather was absolutely horrible, but we wanted to make the trip. We left early to ensure we were there on time to hear the orchestra piece and then head to the party. When they walked around the corner Kearsta immediately went to her birth grandfather. It was one of the most heartfelt moments I have had. Every time they see each other my heart warms with the love between them. Our time continued at the gathering with some food and cake to celebrate a birthday. We left knowing that we had more to look forward to the following weekend.

Finalization weekend was hectic. Both of my brothers, a niece, a nephew and a lot of family in the area gathered for the event. It was so touching to have the bulk of my family in one place to celebrate Kearsta. At the courthouse it was an entourage. We filled up the whole courtroom with our family and friends that were there to support us and our besties! On Saturday we all gathered again for the party. We told the recreation center we had under 50 people, but I am sure we had 100 or more between our three families. Again, another beautiful display of the amount of love our girls have in their lives. To round out the weekend we baptized K on Sunday. She was baptized by my childhood pastor, Janet. She is now at a church in Highlands Ranch that we occasionally attend. She married my mom and step dad, Gary as well as me and Derek. She has been an integral part of our lives for a long time. It was so touching to have her baptize Kearsta as she told the story of her name, included ALL family members (birth family too) and shared the story of our love for the daughter of four and the granddaughter to many.

As I said, March was a busy month. For Christmas Derek and I gave K's birth father tickets to Three Days Grace, his favorite band. Of course the natural choice for his data was K's birth mother! On a Monday night we all headed off to Broomfield for an evening of fun sans baby. It was a long night, but we had so much fun. A ton of memories were made that night that brought us all even closer together!

In May Kearsta and I spent Birth Mother's Day with Kearsta's birth mom and in June Derek and Kearsta spent Birth Father's Day with Kearsta's birth dad. We wanted them to know that even though we are raising her they still have a daughter that they love and think of every day.

We continue to have very open communication with them. They have both reached out to us when they were struggling to talk or get together. Derek and I are committed to keeping them in our lives for the long haul because that is what we believe is best for all of us.

We are living a true open adoption. The word open adoption is often scary for people to hear and it was for us in the beginning (more Derek than me). There is nothing scary about any of it. We are transparent about everything and have accepted their family into ours. We have been accepted into theirs. We are here to help them in their journey as they are there to help us in ours and later to help Kearsta in hers. We don't know what the next year will bring, but we do know that it will be forever changing to meet the best interests of all involved.

The End . . .

We are four weeks away from the end of the official adoption process. Derek and I will stand in front of a judge on Friday, March 15, 2013 and swear that we will always care for and love Kearsta to the best of our ability. After a two minute conversation with the judge Kearsta's last name will officially be changed to Grady. From her birth up until our finalization day her last name has legally been her birth moms.

Finalization day has been an event for many other families that have adopted before us. We have attended the court proceedings and parties for other families that we have met through our journey to today. Our event is going to be extremely special though. Not only will we be doing our finalization on March 15th, but so will three other families. Two of the other families we consider our besties.

Our three families have spent many hours sharing the ups and downs of adoption, marriage, parenting, friendships and so much more for the last year. We all met when we were in the waiting process and our friendships have grown as we were matched, brought home our babies and muddled through parenthood! Honestly, I do not know where I would be if I would not have had them to get me through the difficult times of the process and to celebrate the joyous times of the process. I know that Derek and I are honored that Neaven and Annabelle's parents want to delay their finalization to share the day with Kearsta's parents!

We know that our girls will always have an adopted friend to share their struggles with just as their parents will always have parents of adopted children to share their struggles with. We are so excited to share in this day with all of them! And to answer Neaven's dad's question when they told us they had been matched, yes Chris, we will have our daughter's birthdays together even though they were born a month apart rather than on the same day!

Annabelle (born 08/10), Neaven (born 08/05) and Kearsta (born 09/06)

The Most Precious Gift . . .

I had a very difficult time reigning in the Christmas spirit this year. In years past Christmas has been a very enjoyable time of decorating for the holiday, shopping for others (and a little for myself) and looking forward to Christmas traditions with family. I went back to work the first week of December so Christmas just really snuck up on me. I would come home from work, snuggle Kearsta and usually take a nap with her. I was missing her so much I just didn't have the motivation for my typical Christmas spirit.

As Christmas was approaching Derek put lights up on the outside of our house and for the first time in our marriage we put up an artificial Christmas tree. I am embarrassed to say, our tree only ended up with seven ornaments on it and they were all "My First Christmas" ornaments for Kearsta!

On Christmas Eve we spent some time with Kearsta's birth family. Our family was showered with gifts from all of them, which was so unexpected! We enjoyed a few hours of food, visiting, laughing, opening presents and watching Kearsta's birth family love on her. It is such a heart warming time when we see them. The last gift that we opened was one especially for Kearsta. It was a gift that I am sure every adopted child dreams of having, the reason their birth family chose adoption. Here it is.

My Dear

Kearsta, every day I wonder, who will my little girl grow up to be? Maybe you'll be a teacher, a doctor, or a sailor on the sea.

Maybe you'll find the cure to cancer of lead America to victory.

Each day I pray that God will lead you, and that you will follow him with all your heart. But I always pray my darling, that you will not forget your start.

The day I finally met you, I fell in love at first sight. And I knew in that moment, that what my brain had said was right.

I wasn't ready for you, but I knew two people who were. They would give you a home and a life that you deserved.

Even if you never know how much I truly cried, I want you to know that I 've given you a guide.

Someone to teach you how to walk, talk and read. Someone to give you everything you need.

They will love you just as I would, if I was only able. But I'm far too young to put food on the table.

I pray that you will love them too, as much as I love mine. It is not easy to understand, I know that it takes time.

I hope each day that you will someday be exactly what the Lord has planned. But I also pray each day that you will not forget my hand.

The hand that lay upon your head the day of your birth. And the ones who held you close for all that you were worth.

I know that now you are still quite young and have long to go. I hope to show you just how much love I have for you, and everything you know.

I pray each day that you will love just as we have loved, and that you will always know that you a precious gift from above.

I pray each day that God will show you who you're meant to be, but most of all my princess, I pray that you never forget me.

Every time I see this poem, as I enter Kearsta's room, my heart fills with thankfulness. I am so thankful for open adoption. I am so thankful that Kearsta will continue to know her birth family. I am so thankful that Kearsta will be able to develop her own adoption story with truth. I am so thankful that she received the most precious gift on her first Christmas just as her father and I received her on September 8, 2012.

 Photo shoot offered by the hospital September 7, 2012