As part of the adoption process in the state of Colorado adoptive families are required to attend a two day training. The training includes information on bonding and attachment, parenting styles, cross-cultural adoption, care of an infant, a birth parent panel and so much more. Derek and I attended the training along with my mom and part-timers Gary and his parents. We wanted our family there as we want all expectations to be the same as we bring a child into our home.
The first task at hand during the training was to think about our expectations of the adoption process. We then shared them with our table and then with all participants at the training (A LOT of people were there). Some of the expectations were transparency from the agency and from the adoption triad (birth parents, adoptive parents and child), the agency doing their job of networking, a fast as possible time frame from date of application to home study completion and match, ongoing support and resources over time, etc, etc. Once we were all done sharing the director of our agency stood up and said "the one thing that is interesting is that no one said their expectation is a child." Oops, guess we all just assumed it was an innate expectation!
This cued Derek and I into considering our expectations during this process. From our second date our expectation was to adopt. We attended an adoption seminar within our first year of marriage where my expectation was go gain information on adoption and an agency that would let us start the process THAT DAY! After two years of marriage our expectation was to find an agency that would walk us through the process in a swift, kind, caring and honest way. Once we submitted our paperwork our expectation was that the state and federal government would process everything speedily so we could get on our way. Once the background stuff was completed we expected to be in the pool waiting for a match within six weeks. That expectation was quickly blown out of the water (as I shared before) so our expectation changed to the marriage evaluation getting done quickly. After that four week delay our expectation returned to a speedy home study process. Once we completed our process our expectation was a quick match. My expectation then became becoming prepared to bring our baby home within a very short time frame. Ummm . . . if you have been reading my blog you can now see that expectations are impossible to hold. The theme of every adoption journey should be HAVE NO EXPECTATIONS. The reason for no expectations is that is protects the heart and the mind through the process. To walk along never being disappointed creates a lightness that not everyone has during this time. Let me be real though, even though the agency suggested having no expectations it is IMPOSSIBLE (especially for the type A personality such as myself)! Now I do give Derek a lot of credit because I believe that he didn't have any expectations other than to take the voyage and eventually be a dad.
As I have shared before, Derek and I have received a unique gift. We were matched with our birth family when she was 22 weeks pregnant. Their adoption case worker said this was one of the earliest matches they have ever done. Typically families are not matched until six to eight weeks before the due date. At the original match meeting there are scripted questions that are reviewed such as sharing more about yourself, why you have chosen adoption, possible baby names and finally the expectations of the relationship following the placement. At the match meeting the birth mother shared that she wanted monthly updates of pictures and notes by email and two visits a year usually around the birthday and the holidays. Derek and I were fine with that because we went into this meeting with completely open hearts. Honestly, we had expected more. We told them that at the meeting as we know that things can change over time and more or less may be needed. We shared that our expectation was honesty as we steered our ship after Kearsta's birth. We left that meeting feeling that our expectations were being met and our hearts were still open for change along the way.
Needless to say our early matching has given us a lot of time to get to know each other and to develop expectations of our relationship. When we walked into this journey we did not have an expectation of what time would look like between match and birth because we did not even consider matching at 18 weeks before the birth. Since our match meeting in early May we have met with the birth parents once by themselves and the once with both of their families. We absolutely love everyone and feel so accepted by them. We are planning another gathering at our home in July and then probably nothing else until Kearsta is born.
At our last gathering we had a barbeque at the birth mom's house. It was a relaxed environment that completely revolved around the birth parents. This has been natural because of their age. One thing that I have not shared is that they are young, very young to be having to make such adult decisions about another life. Once dinner was done the birth parents, Derek and I all went for a round of miniature golf. The birth parents love us so much that we played three different 18 hole courses with breaks for sugar in between! It was a great time.
Now, back to expectations. After our second meeting with them I emailed the case workers involved asking what the typical number of visits were before the birth of the baby. Derek and I had discussed meeting with them once a month and then attending doctor's appointments. Both ladies felt that was a great plan although they did warn that we should not do anything now that we will not be willing to do after placement. Okay, we can handle that.
During our time at the miniature golf place I felt that the expectations that were shared at our match meeting may be changing. There were comments such as they can call us Aunt and Uncle, we should do Thanksgiving together (since it will be her first), they won't be telling her she was adopted until she is five years old, we should always hang out like this, etc, etc. Once we left I shared with Derek that I felt as though we were on a slippery slope. Don't get me wrong, we are willing to do everything that they mentioned, but I didn't want it to get too out of hand because we had our own families to tend to as well. I also take into account the birth parent's grieving process once Kearsta comes home with us and whether or not meeting at the level they are suggesting would hinder them. Even writing about it now puts a pit in my stomach because I just don't know what is right.
I shared with Derek that I am going to have a girl's only lunch with the birth mom to lay all of our expectations out on the table. He hesitated for a long period of time. After some conversation he agreed with reservations that now is the time to revisit the expectations that we are all feeling as our relationship with each other continues to blossom. I will be having lunch with her on Friday so we can discuss our thoughts and feelings as we pass the 12 weeks until due date point.
The point of this whole post is that it is impossible to have no expectations as we go through our lives every day. The important point to reach during this or any process is that the expectations have to be flexible. All involved have to be willing to meet in the middle. As I approach this topic with birth mom I am both excited and apprehensive to hear where her expectations and birth dad's expectations are at this point. I will keep you posted!
