Ready, Set . . .

Well, I have been in countdown mode for a LONG time. We officially have three weeks left to the due date of September 12th, but I just received a text from the birth grandmother that they will be inducing birth mom one week early.  So I have to adjust my countdown to a date of September 5th.  Needless to say, we are only two weeks away from meeting our baby girl!
The reality of this is so exciting Derek and I can barely wait for the two weeks to pass.  On the other end I am a little stressed because I will not be at work for twelve weeks. I cannot imagine life going on at work without me for that long! I am sure once Kearsta arrives I will not be worrying about work and wishing that time will slow down.
I have been in hyper nesting mode for months now . . .

 We are going to be doing A LOT of reading

 No need to leave the house bald

 A beautiful set of headband and butterfly wings made by Derek's cousin's wife, Mandy. 

I can't wait to get these on Kearsta!

 It looks so comfy and snuggly

 All stocked up on diapers and wipes

 Diapers galore

 We will be set for a couple of weeks

 Even though she looks interested she just doesn't understand how her life will be changing

 Her feet will always look fashionable!

 Lots and lots of clothes ranging from newborn to 18 months

The car seat is installed and checked by a professional

The pack and play will go up this weekend after I spend some time getting a pedicure and manicure with birth mom. Needless to say, we are ready for our bundle of joy to join our family any day!

On a sadder note, the doctor who delivered me thirty years ago and sixteen years after laid my options to live a pain free life on the table passed away on Sunday. I credit Dr. McGuire with so much of who I have become because of my experiences with him. He took a lot of criticism after completing a hysterectomy on a sixteen year old child. It was completely my decision as he only supported it and helped me get my life back. His death brings sadness to my heart although I know that I now have an additional extended family in our birth family that we would not have without him. He will be missed, but everyday I look into Kearsta eyes I will thank him for helping me be her mommy.

Connections . . .

Derek and I had a great experience today. We were able to connect with other couples who are on the same path to grow their families as we are.
Our agency, Hope's Promise, hosts an "almost annual" picnic for all of the adoptive families including those who have just applied all the way to those who adopted through their agency twenty years ago. It was amazing to see all of the families knowing that they are all like us, taking the voyage of adoption.
As Derek and I talked with other couples and families I had this feeling of how awesome it was to finally put a personality to all of the pictures and conversations that have taken place over Facebook and emails over the last year. We even shared those things that we have been meaning to say, but waiting until we were in person. As I reflect on this afternoon I find myself thankful for having the connections in adoption that we do.
Outside of the agency a group for waiting families was started about six months ago. The goal was to connect with other couples in the same place that we were. About five to six couples gather on a monthly basis to share their month, their lives and their stories as they continue in the adoption process. The group is eclectic because all are invited at any point of the process. Some couples are still waiting for a match while others are matched, but waiting for birth and some are coming up to their six month finalization date.
When Derek and I heard about the group we weren't sure that we wanted to be a part of it. It seemed like such an awkward time to gather with other couples with the same goal in mind, a baby because there is an inhering feeling of competition!
I attended the first group by myself because Derek was skiing. I shared our story and listened to the others.  There was a couple there who had just matched the week before with the due date of their baby in a couple of weeks. It was a neat experience to hear their journey the week before the meeting because it was a glimpse into our future. I left their feeling a lot of different emotions. I knew that this was something that I needed even though it felt odd.
Being a part of this group has become a part of the month that we look forward to. Through the group we have many new friends that we are taking our voyage with. It is always enjoyable to gather and hear about the events that are taking place, the opinions of others and joys when the dreams are finally realized. It is a place of support that others outside of the world of adoption cannot understand.
When Derek and I started our voyage we did not realize how important these connections would be to us. We have spent our married life relishing in each other and loving every minute of it. Through our voyage with these other people we have found life long friends and supports that we have grown to love. We are so thankful to have their support through this and love that we can support them on their journey.

I Will Never Know . . .

I don't know that I believe in destiny or that the path that I am on was laid out by God before I was born. I do know that throughout life there are many things that have happened that caused my path to change. Whether it was in the cards from the beginning I will never know.
The month of August I find myself reflecting on all of the things in my life that have happened that changed my path as I knew it. The reason this month sends me into a whirlwind of reflection is because of a tragedy. On August 12, 1993 my brother, Brent, was killed at 20 years old.  My family found out on the eve of August 13. It was this day that one of the best summer's of my life came to a screeching halt. My family was found at forks in the road even though the fork on the right was no longer available. We all took the fork on the left yet we all found ourselves in different areas of our destiny. Being that I was 11 years old at the time I had much less freedom to choose how I was going to deal with the change. My parents and two other brothers (27 and 24 years old) had more control over how they dealt with the tragedy than I did. I watched how everyone dealt with it and followed some things while I found different ways to do other things. It was a time that still feels like happened yesterday even 19 years later. Wow, 19 years . . . if you were to ask any of us within the first five years after Brent's death I bet we all would have said we didn't think we would ever live this long without him.
From 1993 to 2011 there were so many things that changed my path as I knew it. Sometimes the change was my decision, but more often than not it wasn't my choice. Some were easier to deal with than others, but all left an imprint on my heart that will never be forgotten.
In 2011 I added another life changing situation with the death of my dad. As a family we knew that he wasn't healthy and would be dying at a relatively young age. Once my dad heard that his body was failing him, the death of my brother and the divorce of my parents he found it hard to be anything but depressed. Time with him became even more cherished, yet I still took advantage of everything that he did for me and gave to me. It wasn't until college that I truly began to understand the man who would have given anything to ensure that I had the best life possible. There are many moments in my life that he looked at me, gave me a hug and gave me advice that contributed to the path that I am on now. Even after knowing for years that his death was imminent due to his unwillingness to care for himself it is still at the top of my current list of the hardest things I have been through. Without him we would not be at the part of adoption that we are at and I am thankful for that everyday.
I am not writing this information to depress you. I am writing this because our daughter will be born with a change in her path when she is 48 hours old. She will have a fork in the road the right side will be blocked just as it was for my family in 1993. Our daughter will not get a chance to choose rather she has to trust that her birth parents have gone along with destiny or God's plan so she can be the best person she can be.
I am appreciative that I have a personal understanding of similar loss and grief that Kearsta will feel throughout her life just as Derek feels it to with his own adoption story. As we get closer to her birth we will never know if it is destiny or God's plan, but we are thankful that we get to be the ones along the path that she is going to be coming down.