Derek and I love to travel. I had never had a "real" vacation until I met him. Growing up we always traveled to see family and oftentimes that is not a vacation! Some of the happiest memories in Derek and I's relationship are from our trips together.
Working for the school system gives us an advantage because we are guaranteed at least three vacations a year, Fall Break, Spring Break and Summer. We make sure that we use each one wisely to get out of town and reset our minds with some relaxation. We had talked for many months about taking another cruise to celebrate my 30th birthday. We looked into some cruises and were discussing where we wanted to go. When we were discussing this we were still in the approval phase of our adoption journey. Once we entered the waiting period of this voyage I found myself with a lot of anxiety around being out of town when we received the call. I quickly put a halt on all plans for a vacation during Spring Break and possibly over the summer. I said ABSOLUTELY NO to a cruise. Derek was disappointed because he had his heart set on traveling more before our voyage as parents began. There were a couple of weeks that we spent being unhappy at each other because of my anxiety level around traveling.
About ten days before I made the decision that we did not know when the match was going to happen so we better live it up! We planned a trip to New York City for Spring Break. This is a place that I have never been even though I have been to the East Coast numerous times to visit my brothers. I also know that this is not a place that I would be seeing in the next ten to fifteen years if we didn't go now. Derek has seen the Big Apple once before so a lot of it is going to be repeat for him.
So, I am confronting my anxiety and getting on a plane to go across the country for what could very possibly be our Babymoon!
Friday, March 30, 2012
Monday, March 19, 2012
The Profile Showing . . .
In the open adoption process there are times that we know our profile book is being shown. At other times we do not know that it is happening.
When Derek and I were going through the process we had to identify the "type" of child we were willing to take. We had to decide how much alcohol, drug and tobacco use during pregnancy would be acceptable to us. We also had to decide the gamete of mental health issues in the birth family that we were willing to deal with (Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Schizophrenia, etc.). There were many contributing factors that we had to decide upon as we cannot expect that birth mother's are taking the same precautions that we would during pregnancy.
When there is a profile showing that is beyond our preset parameters the agency sends us some background information on a birth mother. The information includes age, location, pregnancy health, family medical history and access to medical insurance. Derek and I then discuss the situation and make a decision on whether or not we want our profile shown.
In our process we have received two of these notifications. We decided to say yes to both. There wasn't anything reported that we did not feel that we could handle. Once we say yes we sit around until the profile showing day and then spend the next few days awaiting a call from the agency. Both times we have received an email that the birth mothers have chosen a different family.
It is a bittersweet feeling during this time because we do not know if it is our time or not. I spend time thinking about what I could have done differently and sending positive vibes and prayers to the birth family. Once we hear that we were not chosen there is a period of sadness because we have to continue waiting yet there is a level of excitement for the family that has been chosen. Each time we tell ourselves that this was not our baby (not that we always believe it). We have become very creative at telling ourselves things to help us feel better about the situation yet we still find ourselves wondering when it will be our time.
Needless to say it has been an emotional roller coaster as we head into Spring and soon Summer. We can only hope that our wait will be short, but we know that it is all in God's plan and it will happen when it is time.
When Derek and I were going through the process we had to identify the "type" of child we were willing to take. We had to decide how much alcohol, drug and tobacco use during pregnancy would be acceptable to us. We also had to decide the gamete of mental health issues in the birth family that we were willing to deal with (Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Schizophrenia, etc.). There were many contributing factors that we had to decide upon as we cannot expect that birth mother's are taking the same precautions that we would during pregnancy.
When there is a profile showing that is beyond our preset parameters the agency sends us some background information on a birth mother. The information includes age, location, pregnancy health, family medical history and access to medical insurance. Derek and I then discuss the situation and make a decision on whether or not we want our profile shown.
In our process we have received two of these notifications. We decided to say yes to both. There wasn't anything reported that we did not feel that we could handle. Once we say yes we sit around until the profile showing day and then spend the next few days awaiting a call from the agency. Both times we have received an email that the birth mothers have chosen a different family.
It is a bittersweet feeling during this time because we do not know if it is our time or not. I spend time thinking about what I could have done differently and sending positive vibes and prayers to the birth family. Once we hear that we were not chosen there is a period of sadness because we have to continue waiting yet there is a level of excitement for the family that has been chosen. Each time we tell ourselves that this was not our baby (not that we always believe it). We have become very creative at telling ourselves things to help us feel better about the situation yet we still find ourselves wondering when it will be our time.
Needless to say it has been an emotional roller coaster as we head into Spring and soon Summer. We can only hope that our wait will be short, but we know that it is all in God's plan and it will happen when it is time.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Adoption - Colorado Style
Derek and I began exploring our adoption choices early in our marriage. Colorado is an agency state, which entails very clear standards and stipulations for adoptions statewide. The process is the same for every prospective adoptive family without regard to the program that they are going through.
The couple chooses an agency to work with, attends an informational meeting, applies for the program, goes through all of the paperwork and background checks, does the SAFE Homestudy which is the same questions for everyone and includes one meeting as a couple, a meeting as individuals and a home visit. The outcome of the SAFE Homestudy is to certify us as a foster family. We have to be certified as a foster family within the state of Colorado because the adoption of our child will not be finalized until six months after placement. During the six months the adoption agency is the holder of all major decisions for the child even though the child resides with us.
There are three programs that go through this exact process and to participate in any of them you would have to contract with an agency. The programs are inter-country (international), domestic infant and designated adoption.
Inter-country is the traditional adoption from China, Ethiopia, Russia, etc. that are often on the news. Our agency has shared that in the recent years they have seen a decline in inter-country adoptions and an increase in couples doing domestic infant adoptions. They have not said why they have seen this trend, but my guess is that the Hague Convention changed the standards a few years ago which has contributed to many countries either slowing down or shutting down all together for inter-country adoptions. The wait time for these adoptions can be upwards of two years at times because of all of the hoops that have to be cleared.
Domestic infant adoption is the program that Derek and I have chosen. We had to go through all of the steps above in order to move into the waiting pool. The agency is given birth mother referrals and the social workers work intensely with them. It is the agency's job to review all of the options that a birth mother has including abortion, parenting and adoption. On our end we hope that the decision every time is adoption, but it is truly the birth mother's choice. If the birth mother chooses an adoption plan she moves forward with an open adoption style. This style allows the birth mother and birth father (if involved) to choose the family from profile books that they want their child to spend their lives with. At that point the adoptive family is contacted and a match meeting happens. During the match meeting the two parties meet with a social worker and get to know each other. Once the match meeting is done the decision is made to move forward or not. In most cases it is a match and the adoption plan continues. The birth mother also has a hospital plan that details how she wants the birth and her hospital stay to be. This may include us from the beginning, middle or end. We have no say in what she chooses and have to be on her plan until she and/or the baby is released from the hospital. Once placement happens we will maintain contact over the years with the birth family based on an agreement that we have created. The agreement is not legally binding and if Derek and I feel that it is a detriment to our child for the relationship to continue we can stop all contact.
A designated adoption is when both the birth mother and the adoptive family find each other outside of the agency. This is similar to how some states do adoption, adoptive families are on their own to find a birth mother. The adoptive family still has to go through all of the hoops to be approved and the birth mother has to complete the counseling through the agency.
The other option outside of the agency is the foster to adopt program. This would be an application through Human Services rather than an agency. In this case it is unlikely that a child under the age of two years would be placed in your home and later be up for adoption. Derek and I liked this option because it seems faster, but there is a lot more emotionality that comes with it. If the child were to be removed from our home and returned to biological parents I do not know that I would be able to survive that situation.
Every state is different in the adoption realm. Derek and I find ourselves thankful that ours is so managed by the state as we run a less risk of having the adoption fall through.
The couple chooses an agency to work with, attends an informational meeting, applies for the program, goes through all of the paperwork and background checks, does the SAFE Homestudy which is the same questions for everyone and includes one meeting as a couple, a meeting as individuals and a home visit. The outcome of the SAFE Homestudy is to certify us as a foster family. We have to be certified as a foster family within the state of Colorado because the adoption of our child will not be finalized until six months after placement. During the six months the adoption agency is the holder of all major decisions for the child even though the child resides with us.
There are three programs that go through this exact process and to participate in any of them you would have to contract with an agency. The programs are inter-country (international), domestic infant and designated adoption.
Inter-country is the traditional adoption from China, Ethiopia, Russia, etc. that are often on the news. Our agency has shared that in the recent years they have seen a decline in inter-country adoptions and an increase in couples doing domestic infant adoptions. They have not said why they have seen this trend, but my guess is that the Hague Convention changed the standards a few years ago which has contributed to many countries either slowing down or shutting down all together for inter-country adoptions. The wait time for these adoptions can be upwards of two years at times because of all of the hoops that have to be cleared.
Domestic infant adoption is the program that Derek and I have chosen. We had to go through all of the steps above in order to move into the waiting pool. The agency is given birth mother referrals and the social workers work intensely with them. It is the agency's job to review all of the options that a birth mother has including abortion, parenting and adoption. On our end we hope that the decision every time is adoption, but it is truly the birth mother's choice. If the birth mother chooses an adoption plan she moves forward with an open adoption style. This style allows the birth mother and birth father (if involved) to choose the family from profile books that they want their child to spend their lives with. At that point the adoptive family is contacted and a match meeting happens. During the match meeting the two parties meet with a social worker and get to know each other. Once the match meeting is done the decision is made to move forward or not. In most cases it is a match and the adoption plan continues. The birth mother also has a hospital plan that details how she wants the birth and her hospital stay to be. This may include us from the beginning, middle or end. We have no say in what she chooses and have to be on her plan until she and/or the baby is released from the hospital. Once placement happens we will maintain contact over the years with the birth family based on an agreement that we have created. The agreement is not legally binding and if Derek and I feel that it is a detriment to our child for the relationship to continue we can stop all contact.
A designated adoption is when both the birth mother and the adoptive family find each other outside of the agency. This is similar to how some states do adoption, adoptive families are on their own to find a birth mother. The adoptive family still has to go through all of the hoops to be approved and the birth mother has to complete the counseling through the agency.
The other option outside of the agency is the foster to adopt program. This would be an application through Human Services rather than an agency. In this case it is unlikely that a child under the age of two years would be placed in your home and later be up for adoption. Derek and I liked this option because it seems faster, but there is a lot more emotionality that comes with it. If the child were to be removed from our home and returned to biological parents I do not know that I would be able to survive that situation.
Every state is different in the adoption realm. Derek and I find ourselves thankful that ours is so managed by the state as we run a less risk of having the adoption fall through.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
The Nursery
So, I have shared how difficult the wait time has been for me. One way that I have combated it was to get the nursery ready.
This is something that I have dreamed about for as long as I could remember. I had decorated the room in my mind time and time again over the years. I could not believe that I was finally to the point that I could design a room that would be the place of safety and peace for our child.
I searched for weeks for a gender neutral theme and then spent some time thinking about colors. Once I decided on a theme I was full boar to get the room completed and spening a lot of time on the Internet ordering stuff! Derek and I spent some time at Guiry's looking at paint colors and brought some samples home. It took us a couple of days to decide, but I knew I wanted the accent color to be sage green. Luckily I have an in home professional painter who gave me a great discount on the painting, free!
On our first blizzard day of the season we spent the day cleaning our what was the office and putting together the crib and dresser. We purchased the whole set the day before our final home study interview as a celebration of our journey to that point.
I spent the next couple of weeks putting the final touches on it until it was perfect. The only piece missing now is the glider. Babies R Us says it will take 10-12 weeks to arrive at their store . . . that seems like a REALLY long time!
Now that the room is done we are in love with it. It turned out much better than we ever could have imagined. We cannot wait to bring our bundle of joy home and spend hours rocking away, reading and singing songs.
This is something that I have dreamed about for as long as I could remember. I had decorated the room in my mind time and time again over the years. I could not believe that I was finally to the point that I could design a room that would be the place of safety and peace for our child.
I searched for weeks for a gender neutral theme and then spent some time thinking about colors. Once I decided on a theme I was full boar to get the room completed and spening a lot of time on the Internet ordering stuff! Derek and I spent some time at Guiry's looking at paint colors and brought some samples home. It took us a couple of days to decide, but I knew I wanted the accent color to be sage green. Luckily I have an in home professional painter who gave me a great discount on the painting, free!
On our first blizzard day of the season we spent the day cleaning our what was the office and putting together the crib and dresser. We purchased the whole set the day before our final home study interview as a celebration of our journey to that point.
I spent the next couple of weeks putting the final touches on it until it was perfect. The only piece missing now is the glider. Babies R Us says it will take 10-12 weeks to arrive at their store . . . that seems like a REALLY long time!
Now that the room is done we are in love with it. It turned out much better than we ever could have imagined. We cannot wait to bring our bundle of joy home and spend hours rocking away, reading and singing songs.
Our Process
I have read a lot of couples blog entries that either have been or are in the adoption pool with us. They all talk about how quickly the process went for them and I find myself with some jealously.
We knew about six months after we were married that we would have to wait until our two year anniversary to apply for adoption in the state of Colorado. We anxiously waiting two years and were excited to pass that point.
We applied to our agency in August 2011. After weeks of sitting around and not hearing much I contacted them to ask what the next steps were. At the end of September we had our administrative meeting where a binder of paperwork and steps for the process was handed to us. The steps included fingerprints, a local background check, a state background check, a federal background check, an autobiography that was created using questions supplied to us by the agency and ended up being about eight pages long, checklists of personality traits to describe ourselves and our partner, our finances, medical history, mental health history and on and on. We were told at the meeting that it would take eight to ten weeks to receive our background checks from the FBI.
After our meeting we diligently worked on our paperwork. My goal was to have it turned in within a month so once our fingerprints returned we could move forward immediately. Derek was only diligent because of my prodding! It was a lot of work, but we got it done within my time frame.
We got a call in mid-November that our fingerprints had come back and we would be contacted by the end of the week for our next steps. I received that call on a Friday afternoon. The person on the other line said that there were some concerns with our file and that we needed to have a face to face meeting with her and our social worker. The meeting was scheduled for Monday morning. We processed through everything that we could think of over the weekend, finances, something in our background, our lack of regular attendance at church, etc.
When Monday finally came we drove on silence to our meeting. We walked in and a bomb was dropped on us. We were told that there were concerns about our marriage. Derek and I were floored. She read off the reasons that they had found such as perfectionism, critical, rigid, overly organized, highly emotional and so much more. Of course, those were all of the traits that Derek had chosen from the many checklists to describe me. Needless to say I was hurt and in shock. There was not one positive thing that was mentioned that day and all of the negative was about me. How could my whole personality be chalked up to a couple of checklists that landed us in a meeting? We were told that we could withdraw from the agency or go to a counselor to have a marriage assessment done. Based on the marriage assessment and the counselor's recommendations we could be delayed for a month or up to a year while we completed the steps to get our marriage on track. Obviously, we chose the latter.
We left the meeting after I shed some tears and tried to explain the reasons I was perceived this way. I felt broken down and thrown out because I work really hard on myself and had come a long way from my environment as a child. I prided myself on my organization, my willingness to speak my mind and so much more. I was frustrated that Derek thought all of those things about me and nothing positive. I found myself spiraling down over the next couple of weeks as we moved through the next "suggested" phase of our process.
Within a week we were meeting with a counselor to have our marriage assessment done. The adoption agency had written a letter describing their concerns and their expectations for our time with the counselor. I was still questioning how all of the traits that Derek checked be a concern about our marriage, shouldn't that be a concern about me?!
After our first meeting we liked him, but just saw it as another delay. We had to do a quiz on each other and assess our marriage between our first and second sessions. It was very interesting as we answered the questions, but there was also a level of fear as we knew that this could either end positively or with shattered dreams.
When we returned to Dr. Mike for the second session he presented us with our results. We were not surprised with the results at all as Derek and I know that our marriage is not in trouble. I came from a divorced family, waiting for a long time to find my match and in no way was I going to let my marriage struggle. We are very open with each other and have worked very hard on our communication over time. Our counselor shared that we are a harmonious couple. We have a great balance of time together and apart and have a great understanding of the other's personality. Again, this information was not news to us, but it was very comforting. As we moved through the assessment we did learn more about each other, but continued to feel bitter that we were even there.
After four sessions with Dr. Mike he wrote a wonderful letter of recommendation for us. He suggested that we did not need any additional sessions as we were on the right track to have a healthy and long marriage. He did not see any reasons that my personality traits would hinder my ability to parent or to stay married. We were so relieved to see what he had written about us.
The agency called in the middle of January to say that they were ready to proceed with us. The next step was the home study process. Our first meeting consisted of answering questions similar to our autobiography like the type of parents we want to be, our childhoods, our jobs, our dreams for our future, etc. This interview was done with our social work and together.
Our next meeting was done separate. I had to answer questions about my family history, how I perceived my process to parenthood, in depth information on our infertility, my belief about God and religion and a lot more. This went smoothly, but Derek and I both felt the fear of saying the wrong thing surface again.
The following week our social worker came to our home. We gave her a tour and talked some more. We were concerned that Hayla would be so excited that she would not be able to behave, but she did pretty well. She was relentless though and HAD to be pet by our visitor. At the end of that meeting we were told that we would be presented at the staff meeting the next day and would hear by that afternoon if we were approved or not. She left us saying that she did not see any reason that we would not be approved.
That night was the first night in a long time that we went to be excited. We were thankful that the process was completed and we were one step closer to parenthood.
The next day I received the call at work that we had been approved. Needless to day, I was glowing and everyone knew it!
We knew about six months after we were married that we would have to wait until our two year anniversary to apply for adoption in the state of Colorado. We anxiously waiting two years and were excited to pass that point.
We applied to our agency in August 2011. After weeks of sitting around and not hearing much I contacted them to ask what the next steps were. At the end of September we had our administrative meeting where a binder of paperwork and steps for the process was handed to us. The steps included fingerprints, a local background check, a state background check, a federal background check, an autobiography that was created using questions supplied to us by the agency and ended up being about eight pages long, checklists of personality traits to describe ourselves and our partner, our finances, medical history, mental health history and on and on. We were told at the meeting that it would take eight to ten weeks to receive our background checks from the FBI.
After our meeting we diligently worked on our paperwork. My goal was to have it turned in within a month so once our fingerprints returned we could move forward immediately. Derek was only diligent because of my prodding! It was a lot of work, but we got it done within my time frame.
We got a call in mid-November that our fingerprints had come back and we would be contacted by the end of the week for our next steps. I received that call on a Friday afternoon. The person on the other line said that there were some concerns with our file and that we needed to have a face to face meeting with her and our social worker. The meeting was scheduled for Monday morning. We processed through everything that we could think of over the weekend, finances, something in our background, our lack of regular attendance at church, etc.
When Monday finally came we drove on silence to our meeting. We walked in and a bomb was dropped on us. We were told that there were concerns about our marriage. Derek and I were floored. She read off the reasons that they had found such as perfectionism, critical, rigid, overly organized, highly emotional and so much more. Of course, those were all of the traits that Derek had chosen from the many checklists to describe me. Needless to say I was hurt and in shock. There was not one positive thing that was mentioned that day and all of the negative was about me. How could my whole personality be chalked up to a couple of checklists that landed us in a meeting? We were told that we could withdraw from the agency or go to a counselor to have a marriage assessment done. Based on the marriage assessment and the counselor's recommendations we could be delayed for a month or up to a year while we completed the steps to get our marriage on track. Obviously, we chose the latter.
We left the meeting after I shed some tears and tried to explain the reasons I was perceived this way. I felt broken down and thrown out because I work really hard on myself and had come a long way from my environment as a child. I prided myself on my organization, my willingness to speak my mind and so much more. I was frustrated that Derek thought all of those things about me and nothing positive. I found myself spiraling down over the next couple of weeks as we moved through the next "suggested" phase of our process.
Within a week we were meeting with a counselor to have our marriage assessment done. The adoption agency had written a letter describing their concerns and their expectations for our time with the counselor. I was still questioning how all of the traits that Derek checked be a concern about our marriage, shouldn't that be a concern about me?!
After our first meeting we liked him, but just saw it as another delay. We had to do a quiz on each other and assess our marriage between our first and second sessions. It was very interesting as we answered the questions, but there was also a level of fear as we knew that this could either end positively or with shattered dreams.
When we returned to Dr. Mike for the second session he presented us with our results. We were not surprised with the results at all as Derek and I know that our marriage is not in trouble. I came from a divorced family, waiting for a long time to find my match and in no way was I going to let my marriage struggle. We are very open with each other and have worked very hard on our communication over time. Our counselor shared that we are a harmonious couple. We have a great balance of time together and apart and have a great understanding of the other's personality. Again, this information was not news to us, but it was very comforting. As we moved through the assessment we did learn more about each other, but continued to feel bitter that we were even there.
After four sessions with Dr. Mike he wrote a wonderful letter of recommendation for us. He suggested that we did not need any additional sessions as we were on the right track to have a healthy and long marriage. He did not see any reasons that my personality traits would hinder my ability to parent or to stay married. We were so relieved to see what he had written about us.
The agency called in the middle of January to say that they were ready to proceed with us. The next step was the home study process. Our first meeting consisted of answering questions similar to our autobiography like the type of parents we want to be, our childhoods, our jobs, our dreams for our future, etc. This interview was done with our social work and together.
Our next meeting was done separate. I had to answer questions about my family history, how I perceived my process to parenthood, in depth information on our infertility, my belief about God and religion and a lot more. This went smoothly, but Derek and I both felt the fear of saying the wrong thing surface again.
The following week our social worker came to our home. We gave her a tour and talked some more. We were concerned that Hayla would be so excited that she would not be able to behave, but she did pretty well. She was relentless though and HAD to be pet by our visitor. At the end of that meeting we were told that we would be presented at the staff meeting the next day and would hear by that afternoon if we were approved or not. She left us saying that she did not see any reason that we would not be approved.
That night was the first night in a long time that we went to be excited. We were thankful that the process was completed and we were one step closer to parenthood.
The next day I received the call at work that we had been approved. Needless to day, I was glowing and everyone knew it!
To Change or Not to Change . . .
The last few years have challenged my need to be in control and plan out my life. I thought that by now I would know how to deal with being "out of control"and leaving things as they fall. The last few weeks have continued to challenge my new laid back approach to most things in life that I tell myself I have!
When we went into the adoption process it was an ebb and flow of excitement and emotions. The waiting part is proving to be a lot more emotion than I expected. I question myself daily on why I am feeling the way that I am. I believe in a destined path by God that we are following to get to our ultimate destination although my brain does not communicate that to my heart very well.
After processing a little more I finally figured out why I am in a "funk." I am struggling with the lack of feedback that is natural in the adoption process. We know that our profile book has been shown, but that is not followed up with a reason why we were not chosen. Part of this is confidentiality to other couples and part of it may be that it is not practice to be forthcoming about it. Without the feedback I spend time questioning whether the colors are right, the words are right, the letter is too long, whether I have said too much, and on and on. Ultimately, I would love to know so I can change things in order to be the best match for the next birth family.
Although I have found the reason I know that the action that would make my heart feel better and get me out of my "funk" is not logical. In my heart I want to be chosen and get to the next stage in our lives while my brain is telling me that I am crazy for wanting to tailor and change our profile book based on feedback from each family. It is over $200 to have our books reprinted each time, so yes, I am crazy! Let me assure you that the logic that these thoughts and my husband bring to me have done little for my heart.
I have decided to not ask for feedback at this point. I will force myself to become more comfortable with this process until it makes me even more crazy! Once I am certifiably crazy (not to be determined by Derek) I will ask for feedback and see if we need to make changes.
When we went into the adoption process it was an ebb and flow of excitement and emotions. The waiting part is proving to be a lot more emotion than I expected. I question myself daily on why I am feeling the way that I am. I believe in a destined path by God that we are following to get to our ultimate destination although my brain does not communicate that to my heart very well.
After processing a little more I finally figured out why I am in a "funk." I am struggling with the lack of feedback that is natural in the adoption process. We know that our profile book has been shown, but that is not followed up with a reason why we were not chosen. Part of this is confidentiality to other couples and part of it may be that it is not practice to be forthcoming about it. Without the feedback I spend time questioning whether the colors are right, the words are right, the letter is too long, whether I have said too much, and on and on. Ultimately, I would love to know so I can change things in order to be the best match for the next birth family.
Although I have found the reason I know that the action that would make my heart feel better and get me out of my "funk" is not logical. In my heart I want to be chosen and get to the next stage in our lives while my brain is telling me that I am crazy for wanting to tailor and change our profile book based on feedback from each family. It is over $200 to have our books reprinted each time, so yes, I am crazy! Let me assure you that the logic that these thoughts and my husband bring to me have done little for my heart.
I have decided to not ask for feedback at this point. I will force myself to become more comfortable with this process until it makes me even more crazy! Once I am certifiably crazy (not to be determined by Derek) I will ask for feedback and see if we need to make changes.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Sara's Voyage to Adoption
My personal adoption voyage began when I was 16 years old.
I had been ill for many years with debilitating abdominal pain caused by ovarian cysts and Endometriosis due to scar tissue from previous surgeries. After three years of treatment including removing cysts, removing an ovary, Lupron shots, various birth controls, etc. it came to a point that I either had to live with the pain or have a full hysterectomy. My decision was my own. My doctor and my mom both stepped back from the situation and told me that they would support me in any way possible. After much thought and prayer I decided that a hysterectomy was my only option if I wanted to be a "normal" teenager by attending school, hanging out with friends, going to football games, traveling, going on mission trips and so much more. At the point that I made my decision it was a "great" week if I made it to school one day each week. I spent most of my time at home alone doing my classwork and watching television. It was not a life that I would wish on any teenager. I realized that this decision would impact my dream of being a mother and it would complicate my conversations with my future boyfriends. All of this was worth it. I told my mom and my doctor that I was done with all of the invasive and failed treatments as I wanted a "normal" life.
As a last effort to ensure this was the correct decision my mom and I visited an infertility specialist. He said that even if the Lupron treatment had been successful for Endometriosis there was a high likelihood that it remained dormant and would resurface in the future. He also said that the chance of me being able to bear my own children was slim to none because of the amount of scar tissue in my abdomen that was binding everything together. If I was to get pregnant it would be a high risk pregnancy even at a young age. We discussed the option of freezing my eggs for the option of surrogacy, but we would have to travel to Boston to have that done because of my delicate health history. At the conclusion of the appointment I remember getting in the car with my mom and being at peace with the decision I was making. I was not going to spend years being in pain and then get to the point of pregnancy and not be able to do it. That was more tragic to me than having the hysterectomy.
The day the hysterectomy was done was like a brick had been removed from my life. I woke up without the excruciating pain that started monthly at the age of 11 and escalated to daily by the time I was 14. The pain free days had been so few and far between in the last year I almost didn't know what to do with myself. I was so thankful in that moment for my decision as my future had opened up to me again.
Although there have been many times that I have regretted my decision, at the five year mark, having the tough conversations with guys, seeing my friends pregnant, seeing my friends with their babies, walking through the baby section at so many stores, the loss of the dream of one day having four children, realizing the cost of adoption, having to wait two years after marriage to apply for adoption, and so many other times that is when I stub my toe. Even though stubbing my toe is painful it is nothing like the pain I suffered through for five years.
I often have to remind myself why I am on this voyage. I appreciate everyone, especially my husband, for their support, encouragement and love that came before the time and place that we are today.
The Why . . .
When you begin telling others that you have chosen adoption there can be many mixed reactions. The most fearful reaction for us has been being questioned about "where is the baby?" time and time again. I do not want to have to experience the sad feeling of being reminded that it has not happened for us. Hearing this advice so often has led Derek and I to a place that we have not shared much about our voyage so far. We want to celebrate our victories and hold each other through the challenges, but have been alone in those times up to now. Honestly, feeling alone in all of it is making me CRAZY!
After connecting with many other families associated with Derek and I's adoption agency, Hope's Promise, I have made the decision to be more open about our process to building our family. I am tired of feeling this way and have started this blog to share our thoughts and feelings through this process and to know that others are reading our story to learn or feel the same.
Thank you so much for your thoughts, prayers and positivity as we are on this voyage to parenthood.
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