Her Broken Heart . . .

When preparing to become a parent and then parenting the last thing you ever want is for your child to be sad, hurt or grieving. Although adoption is a wonderful gift that I cannot describe in words it does come with hurt for the birth family, birth parents, the adoptive parents and the adopted child.
As adoptive parents, Derek and I have gone through our own journey of hurt and loss because we will never have a child biologically born out of our love for each other. This is something that we have grieved from our second date. I personally have experienced anger, bargaining with God, questioning the reason for this journey and finally reaching acceptance (about a week before we were called with our match).
After birth and coming home with us our daughter will experience her own journey of hurt and loss because she no longer hears the sounds, voices, laughs, music, etc. that she has spent nine months getting to know. She will wonder where all of that has gone. She will be going through her own grieving process because she has a broken heart. Along with her broken heart she also has no trust in the world. By removing her from her biological parents she has lost everything that she trusted in for nine months.
As her adoptive parents it will be extremely important that we gauge her level of bonding and attachment from day one. Derek and I will spend our days holding her, carrying her in a sling (womanly) or other carrier (manly), feeding her in our arms, changing her diapers, bathing her, massaging her and reaching out for her anytime she fusses or cries as it is extremely important to meet her every need immediately. By doing this we are not spoiling her as it is our belief that a baby can NEVER be spoiled. She is not crying because she is tricking us into giving her attention, but rather because she is in need at that moment. By being so attentive to her we are showing her that she can trust that her every need will be met that time and throughout the rest of her life.
After hearing about this issue at our training in October I began preparing for this process that is both exciting and devastating. I have spent many hours reading up on bonding and attachment for adopted children. I have had some heartwarming moments and some sad moments as I have read through the stories others have told. Most eye opening comparison that I have read is called A Different Perspective. Essentially it compares the loss that an adoptive child experiences to waking up one day not knowing your husband. Even though you do not know him you have choices to make. These choices are showing signs of grief or going with the flow of the life you do not remember. Take time to read it if you are interested.
As the parents of this precious baby it is our goal for her to be able to develop the bond and attachment with us that will be necessary for her to be secure in herself throughout her life. Knowing this goal we have to make a decision that will be tough for all of our loved ones that are filled with so much excitement and love for our daughter. We are asking that in the first few months all of our visitors keep their holding and cuddling of the baby to short amounts. Derek and I will be the ones feeding, changing, putting her to sleep and meeting every other need that may arise so we can be consistent and begin to build trust and a bond that will result in attachment.
We do value each and every one of you as we know that you are going to play a very important role in her life, but our perspective is that there will be plenty of time for that. It may be difficult to understand, but please know that we are doing the best for her. We look forward to the times where holding and cuddling her can be unlimited for all of our loved ones.
On a more positive note, we are in the final count down. As of this Wednesday we will have seven weeks to the due date. It has been a long voyage, but we are so thankful to have been on it as we have added to our extended family as well as adding to our immediate family.

In 3D . . .

Yesterday we had a beautiful experience, the 3D Ultrasound. The birth parents told us that they wanted us to attend this appointment with them at our match meeting.

All I can say is wow, it was amazing! Technology has come so far that yesterday we were able to see the baby girl's face and hand. Yes, I was almost in tears while Derek is saving them up for her birth! In that moment when the technician took the picture and it came up on the screen it made everything real.

The conversation moved to the features that she had from her birth parents. It was decided that the two most decided features were the nose and the big head from birth dad! The technician also said that as of yesterday she was weighing in at three pounds four ounces. We were so glad to hear that she is growing right on target.

The Name . . .

Almost every infant expert out there says that the chosen name is the most important part of having a baby. Knowing the importance of this it can be a stressful job! As I was reading about the importance I stumbled upon a list of names that celebrities have chose over the years. Go ahead, have a laugh!

• Apple - Daughter of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin
• Audio Science - Son of Shannyn Sossamon and Dallas Clayton
• Coco Riley - Daughter or Courtney Cox Arquette and David Arquette
• Emme Jenna - Daughter of Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony
• Free (which babies are not!) - Son of Barbara Hershey and David Carradine
• Harlow Winter Kate - Daughter of Nicole Richie and Joel Madden
• Keelee Breeze - Daughter of Robert Van Winkle (AKA "Vanilla Ice") and Laura Giarritta
• Maddox Chivan - Son of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt
• Moon Unit and Diva Muffin - Daughter of Frank Zappa and Gail Zappa
• Moxie Crimefighter (seriously!) - Daughter of Penn Jillette and Emily Jillette
• Poppy Honey and Petal Rainbow Blossom - Daughters of Jamie and Jools Oliver
• Rumer Glenn - Daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore
• Ryder Russell - Son of Kate Hudson and Chris Robinson
• Sage Moonblood - Daughter of Sylvester Stallone and Sasha Czack
• Sailor - Daughter of Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook
• Sosie Ruth - Daughter of Kyra Sedgwick and Kevin Bacon
• Spec Wildhorse (no foolin!) - Son of John Cougar Mellencamp and Elaine Irwin
• Teddy Jo - Daughter of John Cougar Mellencamp and Vicky Granucci 
• Pilot Inspektor, son of Jason Lee and Beth Riesgraf

How is that for choosing the most important part?! So this brings me to the story of the name we will be giving our daughter.

I was a very imaginative child. Since my brothers were so much older than me (16, 13, and 10 years) I was essentially raised as an only child. My brothers would say I am spoiled. Its all about perspective, I guess! During the many hours of playing dolls I would name them. These names were often not common because I didn't want my child (or doll at the time) have to share their name with one or two other children in their class. There are a lot of Sara/Sarah's out there! I had a world all of my own surrounding me. 

At some point during this time period I came up with our name. I had heard the names Kristi/Kristy (two of my friends), Kristen (another friend), Kirsi (a classmate) and Kirsten (another classmate). Since I knew people with the other names it would not fit my requirement of an unusual name! Kearsta fit my requirements perfectly!

When Derek and I started talking about our future children we both had our favorite names picked out. Luckily I had a favorite girl name and he had a favorite boy name. We both liked the other names and went with those with little discussion. It is almost surreal to me that after all of these years (probably around 20) my dream of having a daughter named Kearsta is coming true!

Since Derek and I never discussed first names we most certainly had never discussed middle names! Once we met our birth parents we decided that we wanted them to choose her middle name. I think this will be a perfect gift to our daughter's adoption story.

A couple of days after telling the birth parents I received a text message. The birthmom said that they had narrowed it down to two names, Nicole or Annaliese. I text her back and said that I would talk to Derek and let her know. She send me another message saying that she was leaning toward Annaliese. I told her that was the choice. I would not feel good if we would have chosen Nicole as that would have taken away the gift they were going to give her.

So we are all in agreement (adoptive parents, birth parents, birth grandparents) that her name will be Kearsta Annaliese Grady.  We love it!