Three Years . . .

So much has happened in three years. I have been walking a path that is more painful than I ever could have imagined. This is something that no one in the world could have prepared me to experience. I thought I was ready. I thought I expected the news.  The reality was and is that I wasn't ready at all. Now that I think about it how could I have been?

Three years ago I received the call that my dad's body had finally given up. He was no longer in physical pain. He was no longer in living with regret of how his life could have been different. He was somewhere between Earth and Heaven. He was gone.

Three years later I still reach for the phone to call him. I still look for emails from him. I still catch my breath when something suddenly reminds me of him. I still need his advice. I still need his guidance. I still . . . I still miss him deeply.

I remember his one liners. I remember his deep laugh. I remember when I was seven what his nickname was for me (Baby). I remember him listening time and time again as I cried hysterically. I remember him wanting to take my pain away. I remember him bringing me back to calm. I remember meeting him for lunch at the mall when I was in high school. I remember our road trips to Arizona and New Mexico. I remember him giving opinions on my choice in guys. I remember our relationship changing. I remember our relationship becoming stronger. I remember him becoming my confidant. I remember him being my biggest cheerleader even though he was scared I would break my leg on the soccer field. I remember being his little girl. I remember . . .

Three years from now I hope the pain is less. I hope I am more comfortable without him in my world. I hope I remember all of the above. I hope . . .

Dad, I miss you more than I could have ever imagined. I am so thankful for the 28 years that you guided me every day to be the best that I could be. I remember it all. I wish you were here to see it all. I love you.