Hosptial Stay Day One . . .

Hospital time is stressful for any parents, but it can be extremely stressful for the birth and adoptive families. Sure, you have met and may or may not know each other well, but when the baby is involved emotions can run high. The birth family is going through emotions that I cannot imagine including reconsidering their adoption plan. As the adoptive family we were told to expect the unexpected and go with the flow. Our caseworker also said that the hospital time tends to be the most stressful for everyone involved.
Since Kearsta was born so late at night we found ourselves running on adrenaline into the early morning hours. After birth the hospital allowed one hour for the family to hold the baby before going to the nursery. After the hour Kearsta's birth father, Derek and I walked Kearsta down to the nursery to be checked out form head to toe.

As the nurse checked Kearsta over she was passing all of the requirements. Kearsta's birth mother had gestational diabetes which contributed to her large birth weight. It also can cause newborns to have a drop in blood sugar. While in the womb babies manage their blood sugar through the umbilical cord. Upon birth they suddenly lose that and the baby has to begin managing their own. The nurse checked Kearsta's blood sugar and it registered at 30. She had to have a 50 in order to be cleared for that blood sugar round. Lucky Kearsta got to eat right away! She took the bottle like a champ in her birth father's arms. After she ate we had to wait another hour before testing her blood sugar again.

After an hour Kearsta's birth mother walked down to the nursery to give Kearsta her first bath. It was a really special time for her birth parents and something that they really wanted to be involved in. We also had Kearsta's footprints and a fingerprint of each of her birth parents inked into a book about adoption called "Forever Fingerprints."
After our time in the nursery we all retreated to our rooms in hopes of getting some sleep. Kearsta went to her birth parents' room for a couple of hours and then came to Derek and my room for the remainder of the night. I remember her waking up at one point and I jumped out of bed and had her in my arms to care for her. The next morning I only had vague memories of this happening and I knew that I was exhausted!
Friday Derek and I tried to stay out of the birth family's way. We wanted them to have the time that they needed with Kearsta. We took a nap and I dealt with getting Kearsta added to my health insurance. They had some visitors and my mom and stepfather, Gary also came to the hospital to visit. Derek and I kept pinching ourselves as the time was so relaxed. There was never a point that Derek and I felt scared that Kearsta wasn't going to be coming home with us as we had been warned of by our caseworker. We continued to laugh and enjoy each others company as we passed our sweet baby girl around the room to be loved and snuggled. There was even a point in the day that we compared Kearsta's length and size to that of a foot long Subway sandwich. There were many laughs and memories made that day!

The Arrival . . .

Derek and I made the trip to Colorado Springs the evening of September 5, 2012. Kearsta's birth mother was being admitted to the hospital for an induction. It was surreal making the drive. It was the last time Derek and I would be a family of two plus a dog. It was the last time there wouldn't be another person or remnants of another person in the back seat of the car. We were giddy with anticipation although we did acknowledge the change that was coming.
When K's birth mother, birth father and birth grandparents arrived at the hospital we were so excited to see each other. We know that it was a time of fear and unknown as well for her. The whole crowd (six of us) marched up to the Labor and Delivery floor in anticipation of the arrival. I don't know what the hospital staff thought of our entourage, but I thought it was pretty cool to have so many supportive people surrounding the birth of the baby! K's birth mother got all settled in and the wait began. Derek and I were unsure of how the night would go so we offered to retreat to my parents house for the night and return in the morning. The whole family quickly said that they wanted us there for the duration of the time so I went downstairs and brought up our necessities.
That night was quite entertaining. Again, I think the hospital is used to one, maybe two people staying in the delivery room overnight. There were five of us, one hospital bed and a couch. We weren't sure what we were going to do for sleep, but honestly I didn't care. I was feeling so blessed to be experiencing this time with them. Around 11 PM the nurse came in and realized that we were all planning to spend the night. She graciously brought us the "mattresses" from the delivery beds to put on the floor along with pillows and blankets. At this point we all attempted to sleep. Let me say that the birth father and Derek got plenty of sleep including some snoring and talking in their sleep. K's birth grandmother and I were jumping at every need that K's birth mother needed along with the nursing staff coming into the room every couple of hours to check on her sleep was not something we enjoyed that night!
By 8 AM everything was rolling to have the baby. K's birth mom was a champ with the contractions and the pain. She had said that she wanted to forgo the epidural as long as possible. Honestly, I know I will never know, but I am pretty sure I would have told the doctors to put that sucker in upon admission (not an option, I know)! We spent the morning chatting about life, laughing, smiling, texting our loved ones and playing Scattegories. I was so glad that I had grabbed the games on the way out of the house because they were a great distraction for our wait. I also had Derek pick up a couple of movies to pass the time. If there is one thing I know how to do it is how to pass the time in a hospital!
There were so many great memories packed on top of the thousands that we already had with this wonderful family. I probably should have been writing a play by play so I could remember it all, but I like being surprised when I am doing something and one of those memories comes to mind. Derek and I spent the day filled with love, elation, anticipation and unknown.
Once the evening hours arrived I think all of us were becoming antsy. The nurse came in around 6 PM and said that the hardest part was about to begin. At some point our conversation turned to peaches and Palisade, Colorado. The nurse, Brook, piped in and said that she was born in Glenwood Springs and adopted by a couple in Montrose. She said that her adoptive father was a pastor so they had lived a lot of places during her childhood with the final place being Cheyenne, WY. Of course I piped up! I told her that I was from Cheyenne and asked the name of her parents. Sure enough, I knew her parents. They are best friends with my Godmother who also happens to be the grandmother of my childhood best friend. It was an AMAZING connection. Brook was due to complete her shift at 7 PM, but chose to stay with us until Kearsta made her appearance. All of us were so grateful because all we wanted for K's birth mom was a smooth delivery without extra anxiety and tension due to the unknown.
During the hardest part there were four of us there to support her. At one point we all looked at each other and realized that K's birth mom was the only one on her coaching team (both birth grandmother's birth father and me) to experience birthing a child. That quickly changed our perspective and the words we said to her. It was a trying time, but K's birth mom was amazing. She did all of the hard work and experienced all of the pain to give her family and our family the best gift in the world, Kearsta Annaliese born September 6, 2012 at 10:34 PM. She was 8 pounds 13 ounces and 21 inches long.

Kearsta's first photo op!

 She was a BIG girl! I had a moment of "oh no" because I didn't think she would fit into the newborn clothes I had packed for the hospital time. Luckily it all worked out!

Seriously . . .

I am so sick to my stomach right now I figured I should blog about it! Before Kearsta was born her birth grandmother told me that her birth mom was intolerant of milk and soy formulas as a baby. This is the type of stuff that I listen to and put in the forefront of my mind.
When Kearsta was born I asked the nursery nurse about the signs of a milk allergy and she said that we would more than likely not know until after we left the hospital. Once we arrived home we moved her to powder formula because the stuff they use in the hospital is $9 for 12 ounces. I notice a change immediately. She seemed to do much better on the ready-made formula. I had a conversation with the nurse that visited our house to monitor the jaundice about the difference between the ready-made and powdered formula. She said that there is no proof that it is difference between the two, but looking at them it is clear that there is some difference. I took off to Babies R Us that evening and bought ready-made formula. No, I didn't pay $9 for 12 ounces, I ended up buying Enfamil Infant ready-made to save some money. It was clear from the start that it was not a good fit for her.
When Kearsta was 12 days old I called her doctor looking for approval to change her formula. That was not the response that I received. Instead both the nurse and the doctor told me that it was "normal" baby stuff. Spitting up and over-exertion when pooping was "normal." I figured since she was the doctor it was so.
Soon after that we found some generous formula donors from our adoptive friends that have babies within weeks of Kearsta and Parker Adventist Hospital's Adoption Program. We were able to supply the ready-made Newborn formula to Kearsta for about two weeks. She seemed to do better on it although still excessive spitting up, vomiting and over-exertion with pooping when she did poop.
At the two week doctor's visit I brought up my concerns again. Again I was told that it was all normal. She was gaining weight and so everything else that was happening was okay. Why was I concerned?!
After we ran out of the our donation formula we moved back to the powder with the same results as before. I called the doctor again without an approval or assistance with changing the formula. At the one month doctor's appointment it escalated to an ultrasound on Kearsta's abdomen to check for blockages in her digestive tract. Everything was normal.
At five weeks old I finally got fed up. I knew something was not right. I marched off to Walmart and bought soy based formula. Kearsta was in heaven. No more spitting up and absolutely no vomiting, but it did make her extremely constipated. Out went that formula and the improvement that we had made :-(
The next step was the sensitive formula. Still milk-based, but the proteins are easier to digest. When she went on this the spitting up was less and she was able to poop, but we quickly went on a downhill slide on Monday.
Kearsta decided that she was sick of feeling crappy so she proceeded to scream for two and half hours. We did everything that we could until she finally wore herself out and went to sleep. She then awoke on our way home from her grandparent's house and was awake until 1:00 AM crying. THIS WAS NOT OUR BABY! For the first five weeks of her life she was laid back, slept a lot and deep, had nothing to complain about and other than three to four hour pooping sessions she was good.
When we woke up this morning she was refusing to eat. Between 5 AM and 3 PM she ate one ounce of formula. When she was awake she was crying, when she was sleeping she was wimpering and sometimes she would even break out into a hysterical cry while still fast asleep.
After talking to a bestie at coffee this morning I had the confidence to call and complain again, but this time it would be to a different doctor. We marched into his office at 4 PM and within three words he said that I was not going to be happy with him. I continued telling him the signs and symptoms and he kept nodding his head. When I told him the success we had on the soy aside from the constipation he was comfortable with a diagnosis. He asked me about the birth parents allergy history. He said that babies with one parent with allergies have a 50% chance of having a milk allergy. Babies that have two parents with allergies have a 75% chance of having a milk allergy. By 4:15 PM he told me that there was no question that she had a milk allergy. I almost threw up on the floor right there. What he was telling me was that for the past five weeks we had been poisoning our baby with something that she could not tolerate. I am so grateful for my mommy instinct of a continuous test of formulas because he was able to tell me what to go purchase (expensive formula) immediately.
I walked out of the office feeling like I wasn't insane. We went to Target immediately and purchased the liquid gold that will add up to about $6.00 per bottle. I tell ya, I would pay $100 per bottle just to have my sweet baby back!

Kearsta had her first bottle at 6 PM and now she is just as content as can be. I am so thankful for Dr. Thomas and the formula Gods for giving us our life back!
So, I now have a formula graveyard. I currently have seven different types of formula in all shapes and sizes . . . hopefully we (or someone) will get to use the liquid silver someday!
Okay, I feel better now!

Ready, Set . . .

Well, I have been in countdown mode for a LONG time. We officially have three weeks left to the due date of September 12th, but I just received a text from the birth grandmother that they will be inducing birth mom one week early.  So I have to adjust my countdown to a date of September 5th.  Needless to say, we are only two weeks away from meeting our baby girl!
The reality of this is so exciting Derek and I can barely wait for the two weeks to pass.  On the other end I am a little stressed because I will not be at work for twelve weeks. I cannot imagine life going on at work without me for that long! I am sure once Kearsta arrives I will not be worrying about work and wishing that time will slow down.
I have been in hyper nesting mode for months now . . .

 We are going to be doing A LOT of reading

 No need to leave the house bald

 A beautiful set of headband and butterfly wings made by Derek's cousin's wife, Mandy. 

I can't wait to get these on Kearsta!

 It looks so comfy and snuggly

 All stocked up on diapers and wipes

 Diapers galore

 We will be set for a couple of weeks

 Even though she looks interested she just doesn't understand how her life will be changing

 Her feet will always look fashionable!

 Lots and lots of clothes ranging from newborn to 18 months

The car seat is installed and checked by a professional

The pack and play will go up this weekend after I spend some time getting a pedicure and manicure with birth mom. Needless to say, we are ready for our bundle of joy to join our family any day!

On a sadder note, the doctor who delivered me thirty years ago and sixteen years after laid my options to live a pain free life on the table passed away on Sunday. I credit Dr. McGuire with so much of who I have become because of my experiences with him. He took a lot of criticism after completing a hysterectomy on a sixteen year old child. It was completely my decision as he only supported it and helped me get my life back. His death brings sadness to my heart although I know that I now have an additional extended family in our birth family that we would not have without him. He will be missed, but everyday I look into Kearsta eyes I will thank him for helping me be her mommy.

Connections . . .

Derek and I had a great experience today. We were able to connect with other couples who are on the same path to grow their families as we are.
Our agency, Hope's Promise, hosts an "almost annual" picnic for all of the adoptive families including those who have just applied all the way to those who adopted through their agency twenty years ago. It was amazing to see all of the families knowing that they are all like us, taking the voyage of adoption.
As Derek and I talked with other couples and families I had this feeling of how awesome it was to finally put a personality to all of the pictures and conversations that have taken place over Facebook and emails over the last year. We even shared those things that we have been meaning to say, but waiting until we were in person. As I reflect on this afternoon I find myself thankful for having the connections in adoption that we do.
Outside of the agency a group for waiting families was started about six months ago. The goal was to connect with other couples in the same place that we were. About five to six couples gather on a monthly basis to share their month, their lives and their stories as they continue in the adoption process. The group is eclectic because all are invited at any point of the process. Some couples are still waiting for a match while others are matched, but waiting for birth and some are coming up to their six month finalization date.
When Derek and I heard about the group we weren't sure that we wanted to be a part of it. It seemed like such an awkward time to gather with other couples with the same goal in mind, a baby because there is an inhering feeling of competition!
I attended the first group by myself because Derek was skiing. I shared our story and listened to the others.  There was a couple there who had just matched the week before with the due date of their baby in a couple of weeks. It was a neat experience to hear their journey the week before the meeting because it was a glimpse into our future. I left their feeling a lot of different emotions. I knew that this was something that I needed even though it felt odd.
Being a part of this group has become a part of the month that we look forward to. Through the group we have many new friends that we are taking our voyage with. It is always enjoyable to gather and hear about the events that are taking place, the opinions of others and joys when the dreams are finally realized. It is a place of support that others outside of the world of adoption cannot understand.
When Derek and I started our voyage we did not realize how important these connections would be to us. We have spent our married life relishing in each other and loving every minute of it. Through our voyage with these other people we have found life long friends and supports that we have grown to love. We are so thankful to have their support through this and love that we can support them on their journey.

I Will Never Know . . .

I don't know that I believe in destiny or that the path that I am on was laid out by God before I was born. I do know that throughout life there are many things that have happened that caused my path to change. Whether it was in the cards from the beginning I will never know.
The month of August I find myself reflecting on all of the things in my life that have happened that changed my path as I knew it. The reason this month sends me into a whirlwind of reflection is because of a tragedy. On August 12, 1993 my brother, Brent, was killed at 20 years old.  My family found out on the eve of August 13. It was this day that one of the best summer's of my life came to a screeching halt. My family was found at forks in the road even though the fork on the right was no longer available. We all took the fork on the left yet we all found ourselves in different areas of our destiny. Being that I was 11 years old at the time I had much less freedom to choose how I was going to deal with the change. My parents and two other brothers (27 and 24 years old) had more control over how they dealt with the tragedy than I did. I watched how everyone dealt with it and followed some things while I found different ways to do other things. It was a time that still feels like happened yesterday even 19 years later. Wow, 19 years . . . if you were to ask any of us within the first five years after Brent's death I bet we all would have said we didn't think we would ever live this long without him.
From 1993 to 2011 there were so many things that changed my path as I knew it. Sometimes the change was my decision, but more often than not it wasn't my choice. Some were easier to deal with than others, but all left an imprint on my heart that will never be forgotten.
In 2011 I added another life changing situation with the death of my dad. As a family we knew that he wasn't healthy and would be dying at a relatively young age. Once my dad heard that his body was failing him, the death of my brother and the divorce of my parents he found it hard to be anything but depressed. Time with him became even more cherished, yet I still took advantage of everything that he did for me and gave to me. It wasn't until college that I truly began to understand the man who would have given anything to ensure that I had the best life possible. There are many moments in my life that he looked at me, gave me a hug and gave me advice that contributed to the path that I am on now. Even after knowing for years that his death was imminent due to his unwillingness to care for himself it is still at the top of my current list of the hardest things I have been through. Without him we would not be at the part of adoption that we are at and I am thankful for that everyday.
I am not writing this information to depress you. I am writing this because our daughter will be born with a change in her path when she is 48 hours old. She will have a fork in the road the right side will be blocked just as it was for my family in 1993. Our daughter will not get a chance to choose rather she has to trust that her birth parents have gone along with destiny or God's plan so she can be the best person she can be.
I am appreciative that I have a personal understanding of similar loss and grief that Kearsta will feel throughout her life just as Derek feels it to with his own adoption story. As we get closer to her birth we will never know if it is destiny or God's plan, but we are thankful that we get to be the ones along the path that she is going to be coming down.

Her Broken Heart . . .

When preparing to become a parent and then parenting the last thing you ever want is for your child to be sad, hurt or grieving. Although adoption is a wonderful gift that I cannot describe in words it does come with hurt for the birth family, birth parents, the adoptive parents and the adopted child.
As adoptive parents, Derek and I have gone through our own journey of hurt and loss because we will never have a child biologically born out of our love for each other. This is something that we have grieved from our second date. I personally have experienced anger, bargaining with God, questioning the reason for this journey and finally reaching acceptance (about a week before we were called with our match).
After birth and coming home with us our daughter will experience her own journey of hurt and loss because she no longer hears the sounds, voices, laughs, music, etc. that she has spent nine months getting to know. She will wonder where all of that has gone. She will be going through her own grieving process because she has a broken heart. Along with her broken heart she also has no trust in the world. By removing her from her biological parents she has lost everything that she trusted in for nine months.
As her adoptive parents it will be extremely important that we gauge her level of bonding and attachment from day one. Derek and I will spend our days holding her, carrying her in a sling (womanly) or other carrier (manly), feeding her in our arms, changing her diapers, bathing her, massaging her and reaching out for her anytime she fusses or cries as it is extremely important to meet her every need immediately. By doing this we are not spoiling her as it is our belief that a baby can NEVER be spoiled. She is not crying because she is tricking us into giving her attention, but rather because she is in need at that moment. By being so attentive to her we are showing her that she can trust that her every need will be met that time and throughout the rest of her life.
After hearing about this issue at our training in October I began preparing for this process that is both exciting and devastating. I have spent many hours reading up on bonding and attachment for adopted children. I have had some heartwarming moments and some sad moments as I have read through the stories others have told. Most eye opening comparison that I have read is called A Different Perspective. Essentially it compares the loss that an adoptive child experiences to waking up one day not knowing your husband. Even though you do not know him you have choices to make. These choices are showing signs of grief or going with the flow of the life you do not remember. Take time to read it if you are interested.
As the parents of this precious baby it is our goal for her to be able to develop the bond and attachment with us that will be necessary for her to be secure in herself throughout her life. Knowing this goal we have to make a decision that will be tough for all of our loved ones that are filled with so much excitement and love for our daughter. We are asking that in the first few months all of our visitors keep their holding and cuddling of the baby to short amounts. Derek and I will be the ones feeding, changing, putting her to sleep and meeting every other need that may arise so we can be consistent and begin to build trust and a bond that will result in attachment.
We do value each and every one of you as we know that you are going to play a very important role in her life, but our perspective is that there will be plenty of time for that. It may be difficult to understand, but please know that we are doing the best for her. We look forward to the times where holding and cuddling her can be unlimited for all of our loved ones.
On a more positive note, we are in the final count down. As of this Wednesday we will have seven weeks to the due date. It has been a long voyage, but we are so thankful to have been on it as we have added to our extended family as well as adding to our immediate family.

In 3D . . .

Yesterday we had a beautiful experience, the 3D Ultrasound. The birth parents told us that they wanted us to attend this appointment with them at our match meeting.

All I can say is wow, it was amazing! Technology has come so far that yesterday we were able to see the baby girl's face and hand. Yes, I was almost in tears while Derek is saving them up for her birth! In that moment when the technician took the picture and it came up on the screen it made everything real.

The conversation moved to the features that she had from her birth parents. It was decided that the two most decided features were the nose and the big head from birth dad! The technician also said that as of yesterday she was weighing in at three pounds four ounces. We were so glad to hear that she is growing right on target.

The Name . . .

Almost every infant expert out there says that the chosen name is the most important part of having a baby. Knowing the importance of this it can be a stressful job! As I was reading about the importance I stumbled upon a list of names that celebrities have chose over the years. Go ahead, have a laugh!

• Apple - Daughter of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin
• Audio Science - Son of Shannyn Sossamon and Dallas Clayton
• Coco Riley - Daughter or Courtney Cox Arquette and David Arquette
• Emme Jenna - Daughter of Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony
• Free (which babies are not!) - Son of Barbara Hershey and David Carradine
• Harlow Winter Kate - Daughter of Nicole Richie and Joel Madden
• Keelee Breeze - Daughter of Robert Van Winkle (AKA "Vanilla Ice") and Laura Giarritta
• Maddox Chivan - Son of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt
• Moon Unit and Diva Muffin - Daughter of Frank Zappa and Gail Zappa
• Moxie Crimefighter (seriously!) - Daughter of Penn Jillette and Emily Jillette
• Poppy Honey and Petal Rainbow Blossom - Daughters of Jamie and Jools Oliver
• Rumer Glenn - Daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore
• Ryder Russell - Son of Kate Hudson and Chris Robinson
• Sage Moonblood - Daughter of Sylvester Stallone and Sasha Czack
• Sailor - Daughter of Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook
• Sosie Ruth - Daughter of Kyra Sedgwick and Kevin Bacon
• Spec Wildhorse (no foolin!) - Son of John Cougar Mellencamp and Elaine Irwin
• Teddy Jo - Daughter of John Cougar Mellencamp and Vicky Granucci 
• Pilot Inspektor, son of Jason Lee and Beth Riesgraf

How is that for choosing the most important part?! So this brings me to the story of the name we will be giving our daughter.

I was a very imaginative child. Since my brothers were so much older than me (16, 13, and 10 years) I was essentially raised as an only child. My brothers would say I am spoiled. Its all about perspective, I guess! During the many hours of playing dolls I would name them. These names were often not common because I didn't want my child (or doll at the time) have to share their name with one or two other children in their class. There are a lot of Sara/Sarah's out there! I had a world all of my own surrounding me. 

At some point during this time period I came up with our name. I had heard the names Kristi/Kristy (two of my friends), Kristen (another friend), Kirsi (a classmate) and Kirsten (another classmate). Since I knew people with the other names it would not fit my requirement of an unusual name! Kearsta fit my requirements perfectly!

When Derek and I started talking about our future children we both had our favorite names picked out. Luckily I had a favorite girl name and he had a favorite boy name. We both liked the other names and went with those with little discussion. It is almost surreal to me that after all of these years (probably around 20) my dream of having a daughter named Kearsta is coming true!

Since Derek and I never discussed first names we most certainly had never discussed middle names! Once we met our birth parents we decided that we wanted them to choose her middle name. I think this will be a perfect gift to our daughter's adoption story.

A couple of days after telling the birth parents I received a text message. The birthmom said that they had narrowed it down to two names, Nicole or Annaliese. I text her back and said that I would talk to Derek and let her know. She send me another message saying that she was leaning toward Annaliese. I told her that was the choice. I would not feel good if we would have chosen Nicole as that would have taken away the gift they were going to give her.

So we are all in agreement (adoptive parents, birth parents, birth grandparents) that her name will be Kearsta Annaliese Grady.  We love it!

The Expectations . . .

As part of the adoption process in the state of Colorado adoptive families are required to attend a two day training.  The training includes information on bonding and attachment, parenting styles, cross-cultural adoption, care of an infant, a birth parent panel and so much more.  Derek and I attended the training along with my mom and part-timers Gary and his parents.  We wanted our family there as we want all expectations to be the same as we bring a child into our home.
The first task at hand during the training was to think about our expectations of the adoption process.  We then shared them with our table and then with all participants at the training (A LOT of people were there).  Some of the expectations were transparency from the agency and from the adoption triad (birth parents, adoptive parents and child), the agency doing their job of networking, a fast as possible time frame from date of application to home study completion and match, ongoing support and resources over time, etc, etc.  Once we were all done sharing the director of our agency stood up and said "the one thing that is interesting is that no one said their expectation is a child."  Oops, guess we all just assumed it was an innate expectation!
This cued Derek and I into considering our expectations during this process.  From our second date our expectation was to adopt.  We attended an adoption seminar within our first year of marriage where my expectation was go gain information on adoption and an agency that would let us start the process THAT DAY!  After two years of marriage our expectation was to find an agency that would walk us through the process in a swift, kind, caring and honest way.  Once we submitted our paperwork our expectation was that the state and federal government would process everything speedily so we could get on our way.  Once the background stuff was completed we expected to be in the pool waiting for a match within six weeks.  That expectation was quickly blown out of the water (as I shared before) so our expectation changed to the marriage evaluation getting done quickly.  After that four week delay our expectation returned to a speedy home study process.  Once we completed our process our expectation was a quick match.  My expectation then became becoming prepared to bring our baby home within a very short time frame.  Ummm . . . if you have been reading my blog you can now see that expectations are impossible to hold.  The theme of every adoption journey should be HAVE NO EXPECTATIONS.  The reason for no expectations is that is protects the heart and the mind through the process.  To walk along never being disappointed creates a lightness that not everyone has during this time.  Let me be real though, even though the agency suggested having no expectations it is IMPOSSIBLE (especially for the type A personality such as myself)!  Now I do give Derek a lot of credit because I believe that he didn't have any expectations other than to take the voyage and eventually be a dad.
As I have shared before, Derek and I have received a unique gift.  We were matched with our birth family when she was 22 weeks pregnant.  Their adoption case worker said this was one of the earliest matches they have ever done.  Typically families are not matched until six to eight weeks before the due date.  At the original match meeting there are scripted questions that are reviewed such as sharing more about yourself, why you have chosen adoption, possible baby names and finally the expectations of the relationship following the placement.  At the match meeting the birth mother shared that she wanted monthly updates of pictures and notes by email and two visits a year usually around the birthday and the holidays.  Derek and I were fine with that because we went into this meeting with completely open hearts.  Honestly, we had expected more.  We told them that at the meeting as we know that things can change over time and more or less may be needed.  We shared that our expectation was honesty as we steered our ship after Kearsta's birth.  We left that meeting feeling that our expectations were being met and our hearts were still open for change along the way.
Needless to say our early matching has given us a lot of time to get to know each other and to develop expectations of our relationship.  When we walked into this journey we did not have an expectation of what time would look like between match and birth because we did not even consider matching at 18 weeks before the birth.  Since our match meeting in early May we have met with the birth parents once by themselves and the once with both of their families.  We absolutely love everyone and feel so accepted by them.  We are planning another gathering at our home in July and then probably nothing else until Kearsta is born.
At our last gathering we had a barbeque at the birth mom's house.  It was a relaxed environment that completely revolved around the birth parents.  This has been natural because of their age.  One thing that I have not shared is that they are young, very young to be having to make such adult decisions about another life.  Once dinner was done the birth parents, Derek and I all went for a round of miniature golf.  The birth parents love us so much that we played three different 18 hole courses with breaks for sugar in between!  It was a great time.
Now, back to expectations.  After our second meeting with them I emailed the case workers involved asking what the typical number of visits were before the birth of the baby.  Derek and I had discussed meeting with them once a month and then attending doctor's appointments.  Both ladies felt that was a great plan although they did warn that we should not do anything now that we will not be willing to do after placement.  Okay, we can handle that.
During our time at the miniature golf place I felt that the expectations that were shared at our match meeting may be changing.  There were comments such as they can call us Aunt and Uncle, we should do Thanksgiving together (since it will be her first), they won't be telling her she was adopted until she is five years old, we should always hang out like this, etc, etc.  Once we left I shared with Derek that I felt as though we were on a slippery slope.  Don't get me wrong, we are willing to do everything that they mentioned, but I didn't want it to get too out of hand because we had our own families to tend to as well.  I also take into account the birth parent's grieving process once Kearsta comes home with us and whether or not meeting at the level they are suggesting would hinder them.  Even writing about it now puts a pit in my stomach because I just don't know what is right.
I shared with Derek that I am going to have a girl's only lunch with the birth mom  to lay all of our expectations out on the table.  He hesitated for a long period of time.  After some conversation he agreed with reservations that now is the time to revisit the expectations that we are all feeling as our relationship with each other continues to blossom.  I will be having lunch with her on Friday so we can discuss our thoughts and feelings as we pass the 12 weeks until due date point.
The point of this whole post is that it is impossible to have no expectations as we go through our lives every day.  The important point to reach during this or any process is that the expectations have to be flexible.  All involved have to be willing to meet in the middle.  As I approach this topic with birth mom I am both excited and apprehensive to hear where her expectations and birth dad's expectations are at this point.  I will keep you posted!