To Change or Not to Change . . .

The last few years have challenged my need to be in control and plan out my life.  I thought that by now I would know how to deal with being "out of control"and leaving things as they fall.  The last few weeks have continued to challenge my new laid back approach to most things in life that I tell myself I have!

When we went into the adoption process it was an ebb and flow of excitement and emotions.  The waiting part is proving to be a lot more emotion than I expected.   I question myself daily on why I am feeling the way that I am.  I believe in a destined path by God that we are following to get to our ultimate destination although my brain does not communicate that to my heart very well.

After processing a little more I finally figured out why I am in a "funk."  I am struggling with the lack of feedback that is natural in the adoption process.  We know that our profile book has been shown, but that is not followed up with a reason why we were not chosen.  Part of this is confidentiality to other couples and part of it may be that it is not practice to be forthcoming about it.  Without the feedback I spend time questioning whether the colors are right, the words are right, the letter is too long, whether I have said too much, and on and on.  Ultimately, I would love to know so I can change things in order to be the best match for the next birth family. 

Although I have found the reason I know that the action that would make my heart feel better and get me out of my "funk" is not logical.  In my heart I want to be chosen and get to the next stage in our lives while my brain is telling me that I am crazy for wanting to tailor and change our profile book based on feedback from each family.  It is over $200 to have our books reprinted each time, so yes, I am crazy!  Let me assure you that the logic that these thoughts and my husband bring to me have done little for my heart.

I have decided to not ask for feedback at this point.  I will force myself to become more comfortable with this process until it makes me even more crazy!  Once I am certifiably crazy (not to be determined by Derek) I will ask for feedback and see if we need to make changes.

Sara's Voyage to Adoption

My personal adoption voyage began when I was 16 years old.

I had been ill for many years with debilitating abdominal pain caused by ovarian cysts and Endometriosis due to scar tissue from previous surgeries. After three years of treatment including removing cysts, removing an ovary, Lupron shots, various birth controls, etc. it came to a point that I either had to live with the pain or have a full hysterectomy. My decision was my own. My doctor and my mom both stepped back from the situation and told me that they would support me in any way possible. After much thought and prayer I decided that a hysterectomy was my only option if I wanted to be a "normal" teenager by attending school, hanging out with friends, going to football games, traveling, going on mission trips and so much more. At the point that I made my decision it was a "great" week if I made it to school one day each week. I spent most of my time at home alone doing my classwork and watching television. It was not a life that I would wish on any teenager. I realized that this decision would impact my dream of being a mother and it would complicate my conversations with my future boyfriends. All of this was worth it. I told my mom and my doctor that I was done with all of the invasive and failed treatments as I wanted a "normal" life.

As a last effort to ensure this was the correct decision my mom and I visited an infertility specialist. He said that even if the Lupron treatment had been successful for Endometriosis there was a high likelihood that it remained dormant and would resurface in the future. He also said that the chance of me being able to bear my own children was slim to none because of the amount of scar tissue in my abdomen that was binding everything together. If I was to get pregnant it would be a high risk pregnancy even at a young age. We discussed the option of freezing my eggs for the option of surrogacy, but we would have to travel to Boston to have that done because of my delicate health history. At the conclusion of the appointment I remember getting in the car with my mom and being at peace with the decision I was making. I was not going to spend years being in pain and then get to the point of pregnancy and not be able to do it. That was more tragic to me than having the hysterectomy.

The day the hysterectomy was done was like a brick had been removed from my life. I woke up without the excruciating pain that started monthly at the age of 11 and escalated to daily by the time I was 14. The pain free days had been so few and far between in the last year I almost didn't know what to do with myself. I was so thankful in that moment for my decision as my future had opened up to me again.

Although there have been many times that I have regretted my decision, at the five year mark, having the tough conversations with guys, seeing my friends pregnant, seeing my friends with their babies, walking through the baby section at so many stores, the loss of the dream of one day having four children, realizing the cost of adoption, having to wait two years after marriage to apply for adoption, and so many other times that is when I stub my toe. Even though stubbing my toe is painful it is nothing like the pain I suffered through for five years.

I often have to remind myself why I am on this voyage. I appreciate everyone, especially my husband, for their support, encouragement and love that came before the time and place that we are today.

The Why . . .

When you begin telling others that you have chosen adoption there can be many mixed reactions. The most fearful reaction for us has been being questioned about "where is the baby?" time and time again. I do not want to have to experience the sad feeling of being reminded that it has not happened for us. Hearing this advice so often has led Derek and I to a place that we have not shared much about our voyage so far. We want to celebrate our victories and hold each other through the challenges, but have been alone in those times up to now. Honestly, feeling alone in all of it is making me CRAZY!

After connecting with many other families associated with Derek and I's adoption agency, Hope's Promise, I have made the decision to be more open about our process to building our family. I am tired of feeling this way and have started this blog to share our thoughts and feelings through this process and to know that others are reading our story to learn or feel the same.

Thank you so much for your thoughts, prayers and positivity as we are on this voyage to parenthood.