When preparing to become a parent and then parenting the last thing you ever want is for your child to be sad, hurt or grieving. Although adoption is a wonderful gift that I cannot describe in words it does come with hurt for the birth family, birth parents, the adoptive parents and the adopted child.
As adoptive parents, Derek and I have gone through our own journey of hurt and loss because we will never have a child biologically born out of our love for each other. This is something that we have grieved from our second date. I personally have experienced anger, bargaining with God, questioning the reason for this journey and finally reaching acceptance (about a week before we were called with our match).
After birth and coming home with us our daughter will experience her own journey of hurt and loss because she no longer hears the sounds, voices, laughs, music, etc. that she has spent nine months getting to know. She will wonder where all of that has gone. She will be going through her own grieving process because she has a broken heart. Along with her broken heart she also has no trust in the world. By removing her from her biological parents she has lost everything that she trusted in for nine months.
As her adoptive parents it will be extremely important that we gauge her level of bonding and attachment from day one. Derek and I will spend our days holding her, carrying her in a sling (womanly) or other carrier (manly), feeding her in our arms, changing her diapers, bathing her, massaging her and reaching out for her anytime she fusses or cries as it is extremely important to meet her every need immediately. By doing this we are not spoiling her as it is our belief that a baby can NEVER be spoiled. She is not crying because she is tricking us into giving her attention, but rather because she is in need at that moment. By being so attentive to her we are showing her that she can trust that her every need will be met that time and throughout the rest of her life.
After hearing about this issue at our training in October I began preparing for this process that is both exciting and devastating. I have spent many hours reading up on bonding and attachment for adopted children. I have had some heartwarming moments and some sad moments as I have read through the stories others have told. Most eye opening comparison that I have read is called A Different Perspective. Essentially it compares the loss that an adoptive child experiences to waking up one day not knowing your husband. Even though you do not know him you have choices to make. These choices are showing signs of grief or going with the flow of the life you do not remember. Take time to read it if you are interested.
As the parents of this precious baby it is our goal for her to be able to develop the bond and attachment with us that will be necessary for her to be secure in herself throughout her life. Knowing this goal we have to make a decision that will be tough for all of our loved ones that are filled with so much excitement and love for our daughter. We are asking that in the first few months all of our visitors keep their holding and cuddling of the baby to short amounts. Derek and I will be the ones feeding, changing, putting her to sleep and meeting every other need that may arise so we can be consistent and begin to build trust and a bond that will result in attachment.
We do value each and every one of you as we know that you are going to play a very important role in her life, but our perspective is that there will be plenty of time for that. It may be difficult to understand, but please know that we are doing the best for her. We look forward to the times where holding and cuddling her can be unlimited for all of our loved ones.
On a more positive note, we are in the final count down. As of this Wednesday we will have seven weeks to the due date. It has been a long voyage, but we are so thankful to have been on it as we have added to our extended family as well as adding to our immediate family.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
In 3D . . .
Yesterday we had a beautiful experience, the 3D Ultrasound. The birth parents told us that they wanted us to attend this appointment with them at our match meeting.
All I can say is wow, it was amazing! Technology has come so far that yesterday we were able to see the baby girl's face and hand. Yes, I was almost in tears while Derek is saving them up for her birth! In that moment when the technician took the picture and it came up on the screen it made everything real.
The conversation moved to the features that she had from her birth parents. It was decided that the two most decided features were the nose and the big head from birth dad! The technician also said that as of yesterday she was weighing in at three pounds four ounces. We were so glad to hear that she is growing right on target.
The Name . . .
Almost every infant expert out there says that the chosen name is the most important part of having a baby. Knowing the importance of this it can be a stressful job! As I was reading about the importance I stumbled upon a list of names that celebrities have chose over the years. Go ahead, have a laugh!
I was a very imaginative child. Since my brothers were so much older than me (16, 13, and 10 years) I was essentially raised as an only child. My brothers would say I am spoiled. Its all about perspective, I guess! During the many hours of playing dolls I would name them. These names were often not common because I didn't want my child (or doll at the time) have to share their name with one or two other children in their class. There are a lot of Sara/Sarah's out there! I had a world all of my own surrounding me.
At some point during this time period I came up with our name. I had heard the names Kristi/Kristy (two of my friends), Kristen (another friend), Kirsi (a classmate) and Kirsten (another classmate). Since I knew people with the other names it would not fit my requirement of an unusual name! Kearsta fit my requirements perfectly!
When Derek and I started talking about our future children we both had our favorite names picked out. Luckily I had a favorite girl name and he had a favorite boy name. We both liked the other names and went with those with little discussion. It is almost surreal to me that after all of these years (probably around 20) my dream of having a daughter named Kearsta is coming true!
Since Derek and I never discussed first names we most certainly had never discussed middle names! Once we met our birth parents we decided that we wanted them to choose her middle name. I think this will be a perfect gift to our daughter's adoption story.
A couple of days after telling the birth parents I received a text message. The birthmom said that they had narrowed it down to two names, Nicole or Annaliese. I text her back and said that I would talk to Derek and let her know. She send me another message saying that she was leaning toward Annaliese. I told her that was the choice. I would not feel good if we would have chosen Nicole as that would have taken away the gift they were going to give her.
So we are all in agreement (adoptive parents, birth parents, birth grandparents) that her name will be Kearsta Annaliese Grady. We love it!
- Apple - Daughter of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin
- Audio Science - Son of Shannyn Sossamon and Dallas Clayton
- Coco Riley - Daughter or Courtney Cox Arquette and David Arquette
- Emme Jenna - Daughter of Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony
- Free (which babies are not!) - Son of Barbara Hershey and David Carradine
- Harlow Winter Kate - Daughter of Nicole Richie and Joel Madden
- Keelee Breeze - Daughter of Robert Van Winkle (AKA "Vanilla Ice") and Laura Giarritta
- Maddox Chivan - Son of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt
- Moon Unit and Diva Muffin - Daughter of Frank Zappa and Gail Zappa
- Moxie Crimefighter (seriously!) - Daughter of Penn Jillette and Emily Jillette
- Poppy Honey and Petal Rainbow Blossom - Daughters of Jamie and Jools Oliver
- Rumer Glenn - Daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore
- Ryder Russell - Son of Kate Hudson and Chris Robinson
- Sage Moonblood - Daughter of Sylvester Stallone and Sasha Czack
- Sailor - Daughter of Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook
- Sosie Ruth - Daughter of Kyra Sedgwick and Kevin Bacon
- Spec Wildhorse (no foolin!) - Son of John Cougar Mellencamp and Elaine Irwin
- Teddy Jo - Daughter of John Cougar Mellencamp and Vicky Granucci
- Pilot Inspektor, son of Jason Lee and Beth Riesgraf
I was a very imaginative child. Since my brothers were so much older than me (16, 13, and 10 years) I was essentially raised as an only child. My brothers would say I am spoiled. Its all about perspective, I guess! During the many hours of playing dolls I would name them. These names were often not common because I didn't want my child (or doll at the time) have to share their name with one or two other children in their class. There are a lot of Sara/Sarah's out there! I had a world all of my own surrounding me.
At some point during this time period I came up with our name. I had heard the names Kristi/Kristy (two of my friends), Kristen (another friend), Kirsi (a classmate) and Kirsten (another classmate). Since I knew people with the other names it would not fit my requirement of an unusual name! Kearsta fit my requirements perfectly!
When Derek and I started talking about our future children we both had our favorite names picked out. Luckily I had a favorite girl name and he had a favorite boy name. We both liked the other names and went with those with little discussion. It is almost surreal to me that after all of these years (probably around 20) my dream of having a daughter named Kearsta is coming true!
Since Derek and I never discussed first names we most certainly had never discussed middle names! Once we met our birth parents we decided that we wanted them to choose her middle name. I think this will be a perfect gift to our daughter's adoption story.
A couple of days after telling the birth parents I received a text message. The birthmom said that they had narrowed it down to two names, Nicole or Annaliese. I text her back and said that I would talk to Derek and let her know. She send me another message saying that she was leaning toward Annaliese. I told her that was the choice. I would not feel good if we would have chosen Nicole as that would have taken away the gift they were going to give her.
So we are all in agreement (adoptive parents, birth parents, birth grandparents) that her name will be Kearsta Annaliese Grady. We love it!
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
The Expectations . . .
As part of the adoption process in the state of Colorado adoptive families are required to attend a two day training. The training includes information on bonding and attachment, parenting styles, cross-cultural adoption, care of an infant, a birth parent panel and so much more. Derek and I attended the training along with my mom and part-timers Gary and his parents. We wanted our family there as we want all expectations to be the same as we bring a child into our home.
The first task at hand during the training was to think about our expectations of the adoption process. We then shared them with our table and then with all participants at the training (A LOT of people were there). Some of the expectations were transparency from the agency and from the adoption triad (birth parents, adoptive parents and child), the agency doing their job of networking, a fast as possible time frame from date of application to home study completion and match, ongoing support and resources over time, etc, etc. Once we were all done sharing the director of our agency stood up and said "the one thing that is interesting is that no one said their expectation is a child." Oops, guess we all just assumed it was an innate expectation!
This cued Derek and I into considering our expectations during this process. From our second date our expectation was to adopt. We attended an adoption seminar within our first year of marriage where my expectation was go gain information on adoption and an agency that would let us start the process THAT DAY! After two years of marriage our expectation was to find an agency that would walk us through the process in a swift, kind, caring and honest way. Once we submitted our paperwork our expectation was that the state and federal government would process everything speedily so we could get on our way. Once the background stuff was completed we expected to be in the pool waiting for a match within six weeks. That expectation was quickly blown out of the water (as I shared before) so our expectation changed to the marriage evaluation getting done quickly. After that four week delay our expectation returned to a speedy home study process. Once we completed our process our expectation was a quick match. My expectation then became becoming prepared to bring our baby home within a very short time frame. Ummm . . . if you have been reading my blog you can now see that expectations are impossible to hold. The theme of every adoption journey should be HAVE NO EXPECTATIONS. The reason for no expectations is that is protects the heart and the mind through the process. To walk along never being disappointed creates a lightness that not everyone has during this time. Let me be real though, even though the agency suggested having no expectations it is IMPOSSIBLE (especially for the type A personality such as myself)! Now I do give Derek a lot of credit because I believe that he didn't have any expectations other than to take the voyage and eventually be a dad.
As I have shared before, Derek and I have received a unique gift. We were matched with our birth family when she was 22 weeks pregnant. Their adoption case worker said this was one of the earliest matches they have ever done. Typically families are not matched until six to eight weeks before the due date. At the original match meeting there are scripted questions that are reviewed such as sharing more about yourself, why you have chosen adoption, possible baby names and finally the expectations of the relationship following the placement. At the match meeting the birth mother shared that she wanted monthly updates of pictures and notes by email and two visits a year usually around the birthday and the holidays. Derek and I were fine with that because we went into this meeting with completely open hearts. Honestly, we had expected more. We told them that at the meeting as we know that things can change over time and more or less may be needed. We shared that our expectation was honesty as we steered our ship after Kearsta's birth. We left that meeting feeling that our expectations were being met and our hearts were still open for change along the way.
Needless to say our early matching has given us a lot of time to get to know each other and to develop expectations of our relationship. When we walked into this journey we did not have an expectation of what time would look like between match and birth because we did not even consider matching at 18 weeks before the birth. Since our match meeting in early May we have met with the birth parents once by themselves and the once with both of their families. We absolutely love everyone and feel so accepted by them. We are planning another gathering at our home in July and then probably nothing else until Kearsta is born.
At our last gathering we had a barbeque at the birth mom's house. It was a relaxed environment that completely revolved around the birth parents. This has been natural because of their age. One thing that I have not shared is that they are young, very young to be having to make such adult decisions about another life. Once dinner was done the birth parents, Derek and I all went for a round of miniature golf. The birth parents love us so much that we played three different 18 hole courses with breaks for sugar in between! It was a great time.
Now, back to expectations. After our second meeting with them I emailed the case workers involved asking what the typical number of visits were before the birth of the baby. Derek and I had discussed meeting with them once a month and then attending doctor's appointments. Both ladies felt that was a great plan although they did warn that we should not do anything now that we will not be willing to do after placement. Okay, we can handle that.
During our time at the miniature golf place I felt that the expectations that were shared at our match meeting may be changing. There were comments such as they can call us Aunt and Uncle, we should do Thanksgiving together (since it will be her first), they won't be telling her she was adopted until she is five years old, we should always hang out like this, etc, etc. Once we left I shared with Derek that I felt as though we were on a slippery slope. Don't get me wrong, we are willing to do everything that they mentioned, but I didn't want it to get too out of hand because we had our own families to tend to as well. I also take into account the birth parent's grieving process once Kearsta comes home with us and whether or not meeting at the level they are suggesting would hinder them. Even writing about it now puts a pit in my stomach because I just don't know what is right.
I shared with Derek that I am going to have a girl's only lunch with the birth mom to lay all of our expectations out on the table. He hesitated for a long period of time. After some conversation he agreed with reservations that now is the time to revisit the expectations that we are all feeling as our relationship with each other continues to blossom. I will be having lunch with her on Friday so we can discuss our thoughts and feelings as we pass the 12 weeks until due date point.
The point of this whole post is that it is impossible to have no expectations as we go through our lives every day. The important point to reach during this or any process is that the expectations have to be flexible. All involved have to be willing to meet in the middle. As I approach this topic with birth mom I am both excited and apprehensive to hear where her expectations and birth dad's expectations are at this point. I will keep you posted!
The first task at hand during the training was to think about our expectations of the adoption process. We then shared them with our table and then with all participants at the training (A LOT of people were there). Some of the expectations were transparency from the agency and from the adoption triad (birth parents, adoptive parents and child), the agency doing their job of networking, a fast as possible time frame from date of application to home study completion and match, ongoing support and resources over time, etc, etc. Once we were all done sharing the director of our agency stood up and said "the one thing that is interesting is that no one said their expectation is a child." Oops, guess we all just assumed it was an innate expectation!
This cued Derek and I into considering our expectations during this process. From our second date our expectation was to adopt. We attended an adoption seminar within our first year of marriage where my expectation was go gain information on adoption and an agency that would let us start the process THAT DAY! After two years of marriage our expectation was to find an agency that would walk us through the process in a swift, kind, caring and honest way. Once we submitted our paperwork our expectation was that the state and federal government would process everything speedily so we could get on our way. Once the background stuff was completed we expected to be in the pool waiting for a match within six weeks. That expectation was quickly blown out of the water (as I shared before) so our expectation changed to the marriage evaluation getting done quickly. After that four week delay our expectation returned to a speedy home study process. Once we completed our process our expectation was a quick match. My expectation then became becoming prepared to bring our baby home within a very short time frame. Ummm . . . if you have been reading my blog you can now see that expectations are impossible to hold. The theme of every adoption journey should be HAVE NO EXPECTATIONS. The reason for no expectations is that is protects the heart and the mind through the process. To walk along never being disappointed creates a lightness that not everyone has during this time. Let me be real though, even though the agency suggested having no expectations it is IMPOSSIBLE (especially for the type A personality such as myself)! Now I do give Derek a lot of credit because I believe that he didn't have any expectations other than to take the voyage and eventually be a dad.
As I have shared before, Derek and I have received a unique gift. We were matched with our birth family when she was 22 weeks pregnant. Their adoption case worker said this was one of the earliest matches they have ever done. Typically families are not matched until six to eight weeks before the due date. At the original match meeting there are scripted questions that are reviewed such as sharing more about yourself, why you have chosen adoption, possible baby names and finally the expectations of the relationship following the placement. At the match meeting the birth mother shared that she wanted monthly updates of pictures and notes by email and two visits a year usually around the birthday and the holidays. Derek and I were fine with that because we went into this meeting with completely open hearts. Honestly, we had expected more. We told them that at the meeting as we know that things can change over time and more or less may be needed. We shared that our expectation was honesty as we steered our ship after Kearsta's birth. We left that meeting feeling that our expectations were being met and our hearts were still open for change along the way.
Needless to say our early matching has given us a lot of time to get to know each other and to develop expectations of our relationship. When we walked into this journey we did not have an expectation of what time would look like between match and birth because we did not even consider matching at 18 weeks before the birth. Since our match meeting in early May we have met with the birth parents once by themselves and the once with both of their families. We absolutely love everyone and feel so accepted by them. We are planning another gathering at our home in July and then probably nothing else until Kearsta is born.
At our last gathering we had a barbeque at the birth mom's house. It was a relaxed environment that completely revolved around the birth parents. This has been natural because of their age. One thing that I have not shared is that they are young, very young to be having to make such adult decisions about another life. Once dinner was done the birth parents, Derek and I all went for a round of miniature golf. The birth parents love us so much that we played three different 18 hole courses with breaks for sugar in between! It was a great time.
Now, back to expectations. After our second meeting with them I emailed the case workers involved asking what the typical number of visits were before the birth of the baby. Derek and I had discussed meeting with them once a month and then attending doctor's appointments. Both ladies felt that was a great plan although they did warn that we should not do anything now that we will not be willing to do after placement. Okay, we can handle that.
During our time at the miniature golf place I felt that the expectations that were shared at our match meeting may be changing. There were comments such as they can call us Aunt and Uncle, we should do Thanksgiving together (since it will be her first), they won't be telling her she was adopted until she is five years old, we should always hang out like this, etc, etc. Once we left I shared with Derek that I felt as though we were on a slippery slope. Don't get me wrong, we are willing to do everything that they mentioned, but I didn't want it to get too out of hand because we had our own families to tend to as well. I also take into account the birth parent's grieving process once Kearsta comes home with us and whether or not meeting at the level they are suggesting would hinder them. Even writing about it now puts a pit in my stomach because I just don't know what is right.
I shared with Derek that I am going to have a girl's only lunch with the birth mom to lay all of our expectations out on the table. He hesitated for a long period of time. After some conversation he agreed with reservations that now is the time to revisit the expectations that we are all feeling as our relationship with each other continues to blossom. I will be having lunch with her on Friday so we can discuss our thoughts and feelings as we pass the 12 weeks until due date point.
The point of this whole post is that it is impossible to have no expectations as we go through our lives every day. The important point to reach during this or any process is that the expectations have to be flexible. All involved have to be willing to meet in the middle. As I approach this topic with birth mom I am both excited and apprehensive to hear where her expectations and birth dad's expectations are at this point. I will keep you posted!
Saturday, May 19, 2012
The Ultrasound Says . . .
The day after our match meeting the birth parents found out the gender of the baby. When their social worker called to confirm that it was a match she said that the birth parents wanted to tell us the gender in person. She gave the birth family our phone numbers that night. Derek and I waited for the next few days anxiously awaiting the call to get together again.
The birth grandmother called almost a week later to set up our meeting. It was a great conversation full of checking in and excitement for everything that our families are now sharing. At the end of the conversation she told me to talk with Derek and come up with a time to meet up with them. After not very much talk Derek and I decided that Saturday, May 19, 2012 would be the day. When I called the birth grandmother back I told her to ask the birth parents where they wanted to meet. During our match meeting we had discussed meeting for frozen yogurt, but asked her to confirm.
On Saturday Derek and I both experienced butterflies all day as we contemplated the gender of the baby. Derek was sure that it was a girl and I continued with my pessimistic view of life and said it was going to be a boy. We have both said all along that we want a girl, but of course would be happy with just a baby! Either way we had a 50% chance of being right which is pretty great odds!
We arrived at the yogurt place a few minutes early and awaited their arrival. This meeting was different because we knew what they looked like and a little about their personalities. When they walked in their excitement filled the room. the birth mom was carrying a gift wrapped in pink and blue paper to not give away the surprise. We greeted with hugs and ordered our ice cream. It was interesting to see their choices to compare our likes and dislikes!
We sat and shared more about our lives including our hobbies, the ending of the school year, plans for the summer, etc. We were laughing with each other that sparked a comment from our birth mom that touched our hearts, "I have laughed more today than I have in a long time. This is why we picked you!" Every time we see them the path that God put into place was shown again.
Once we finished our ice cream we opened the gift. Derek opened one side and I opened the other. Derek could not look in the box because he was too nervous. Once I opened it up I saw pink scrapbook paper and was hoping for the best. Sure enough, there were ultrasound pictures of our baby and our hopes and dreams were granted, a girl! There was also a cute sundress for next summer in the box to add to this girl's growing wardrobe.
After the discovery we again shared our name for a baby girl, Kearsta, and let them know that we wanted them to choose her middle name. We feel that it is very important that they are able to give Kearsta as many gifts as possible to show their love for her throughout her life. They were surprised and ecstatic that they were going to have the opportunity to give her a name.
This was such a special moment as we didn't think that we would ever see the ultrasound pictures. This will be framed and put in the nursery so we can tell Kearsta this story for years to come!
The birth grandmother called almost a week later to set up our meeting. It was a great conversation full of checking in and excitement for everything that our families are now sharing. At the end of the conversation she told me to talk with Derek and come up with a time to meet up with them. After not very much talk Derek and I decided that Saturday, May 19, 2012 would be the day. When I called the birth grandmother back I told her to ask the birth parents where they wanted to meet. During our match meeting we had discussed meeting for frozen yogurt, but asked her to confirm.
On Saturday Derek and I both experienced butterflies all day as we contemplated the gender of the baby. Derek was sure that it was a girl and I continued with my pessimistic view of life and said it was going to be a boy. We have both said all along that we want a girl, but of course would be happy with just a baby! Either way we had a 50% chance of being right which is pretty great odds!
We arrived at the yogurt place a few minutes early and awaited their arrival. This meeting was different because we knew what they looked like and a little about their personalities. When they walked in their excitement filled the room. the birth mom was carrying a gift wrapped in pink and blue paper to not give away the surprise. We greeted with hugs and ordered our ice cream. It was interesting to see their choices to compare our likes and dislikes!
We sat and shared more about our lives including our hobbies, the ending of the school year, plans for the summer, etc. We were laughing with each other that sparked a comment from our birth mom that touched our hearts, "I have laughed more today than I have in a long time. This is why we picked you!" Every time we see them the path that God put into place was shown again.
Once we finished our ice cream we opened the gift. Derek opened one side and I opened the other. Derek could not look in the box because he was too nervous. Once I opened it up I saw pink scrapbook paper and was hoping for the best. Sure enough, there were ultrasound pictures of our baby and our hopes and dreams were granted, a girl! There was also a cute sundress for next summer in the box to add to this girl's growing wardrobe.
After the discovery we again shared our name for a baby girl, Kearsta, and let them know that we wanted them to choose her middle name. We feel that it is very important that they are able to give Kearsta as many gifts as possible to show their love for her throughout her life. They were surprised and ecstatic that they were going to have the opportunity to give her a name.
Kearsta's first photo!
This was such a special moment as we didn't think that we would ever see the ultrasound pictures. This will be framed and put in the nursery so we can tell Kearsta this story for years to come!
Friday, May 11, 2012
The Ultimate Mother's Day . . .
In the latest newsletter from Hope's Promise they gave resources to women struggling with Mother's Day because they were waiting to become mothers. Honestly, grieving over Mother's Day has never been a part of my life because the day has always been about my mom. Even with a baby on the way I still think of this day as a time to celebrate her.
There was no better way to tell my parents about the coming of another grandchild than in celebration of Mother's Day. Derek is out of town over Mother's Day so we decided to celebrate a week early.
Over breakfast last Sunday I gave my mom a gift that contained picture frames with words about their
perspective roles as grandparents. I also included this poem:
I do not have a face to see,
Or put inside a frame.
I do not have soft cheeks to kiss,
I don't yet have a name.
You can't yet hold my tiny hands,
Nor whisper in my ear.
It's still too soon to sing a song,
Or cuddle me so near.
But all will change come September,
That's when they say I'm due.
I'm your new grandson or granddaughter,
I can't wait till I meet you.
All I ask between now and then,
Is your patience while I grow.
I promise I'll be worth the wait,
Because of all the love we'll know.
So what I have to give you now,
is a wish to you from me.
I cannot wait to be a part
Of this wonderful family.
Or put inside a frame.
I do not have soft cheeks to kiss,
I don't yet have a name.
You can't yet hold my tiny hands,
Nor whisper in my ear.
It's still too soon to sing a song,
Or cuddle me so near.
But all will change come September,
That's when they say I'm due.
I'm your new grandson or granddaughter,
I can't wait till I meet you.
All I ask between now and then,
Is your patience while I grow.
I promise I'll be worth the wait,
Because of all the love we'll know.
So what I have to give you now,
is a wish to you from me.
I cannot wait to be a part
Of this wonderful family.
Author Unknown
Both of them read the poem and said thank you, but they had not understood what it was really saying. I told them to read it again. My mom scanned it again, looked up and said "you got a baby?!" Both Derek and I said yes. My mom hooped and hollered in the middle of the restaurant with joy.
This was the best Mother's Day gift I could ever give!
This was the best Mother's Day gift I could ever give!
Monday, May 7, 2012
Diapers needed . . .
On Thursday, May 3, 2012 we were going about life as normal. I had just written my blog about being at peace with the wait and giving all control up to God on Wednesday evening.
On Thursday evenings we bowl in a league. We love bowling because it gets us out of the house and is exciting. Last Thursday I had an extremely emotional day at work. The day was laden with medical emergencies, protecting students from themselves, everyone person having to pitch in, etc. I had to deliver some devastating news to one of my students that is already emotionally fragile. I was sitting at bowling thinking about her and hoping that I did not get a phone call from her dad saying she had given up. A couple of hours into bowling I missed a call. It was from an unknown 719 number. I immediately called the number back hoping that something had not happened to my mom or Gary. When the person on the other line picked up she said that she is a case worker with Hope's Promise. I turned around and yelled at Derek that it was "the call." I started jogging to get outside of the building so we could talk to her. From my view Derek was walking slowly!
Once we got outside she told us that we had been chosen by a birth family that evening. She told us about the birth family and wanted to know when we could meet. The birth mother had two requests, she wanted to meet as soon as possible and wanted to meet at Mimi's Cafe so she could have the turkey dinner. As any good waiting couple would do, we agreed! We decided that Sunday evening Derek, myself, the case worker, the birth mother, the birth father, the birth father's mom and step-father and the birth mother's parents would meet for the first time. At the conclusion of the conversation the case worker said that the birth parents wanted to know if we were excited. I said that we were ecstatic and could not believe that it was our time! Derek and I were both in such shock that our bowling went down the tubes for the night!
When bowling was over I had to tell someone that we had been picked. Since we have entered the pool my mom has had the same reaction as I have had to the phone ringing, a jump. We never knew when our call might come so in the back of our minds we always wondered if this caller was the one. I told my mom a couple of months ago that she would not be getting the news over the phone so that excluded her from the first conversation. I sent a text to my brother Todd at 11:00 PM on the east coast telling him to call me ASAP. He called right away. I shared the news and the excitement with him. While I was on the phone with him my other brother, Mark called. I told him as well. I gave both of them very strict instructions that they were not allowed to tell mom anything. I wanted to come up with something special to give her the news.
On Friday we had a professional development day at work. My department attended the first part of the day that included announcements, celebrations, etc. While we sat there I was trying to determine whether I should tell them or not. When we left the meeting we were gathered chatting about all of the things that had been so difficult all week. I got to a point that something positive had to be said so I asked "can I tell you some good news?" Both of my coworkers turned to me and said sure. I followed with "Derek and I have to plan our Baby Moon." Both of them burst out in tears because they have been on the rollercoaster with me every day. They could not believe the news either. It was the news that we all needed to get through the day and finish off the week on a positive note.
On Sunday we went to our match meeting with the whole group. There was a lot of nervous energy at first as we didn't know what we were going to be talking about. The number of things in common with each person around the table was amazing. It even got down to the birth father's best friend having the same name that we plan to name a boy, Taden. It is not a common name so Derek and I were shocked when he said it.
At the conclusion of the meeting the caseworker said she was going to talk with us on Tuesday to see if we felt that this was a match. I knew from the moment we started talking that it was. Every detail was meeting every expectation we have had from the beginning. Derek and I sat there so thankful because we were getting the best possible scenario, but we had to wait to make sure the feeling was mutual.
First thing this morning I left a message with our caseworker that as far as Derek and I were concerned it was a match. She said she would share it with the birth family's caseworker and she would be letting us know. We were expecting the call to come tomorrow, but I just got off the phone with her. We are officially matched! Phone numbers will be exchanged and we can start to build our relationship over the next 19 weeks as we await the birth of our baby. Our next meeting will be over frozen yogurt and Derek and I cannot wait!
Now that we are at this point we can be thankful for every struggle that we have endured and thought was unfair. I can say that we have prepared a home and will continue to prepare a home for the homecoming of our child in September!
P.S. Diapers are needed because those things are expensive!!!!!
On Thursday evenings we bowl in a league. We love bowling because it gets us out of the house and is exciting. Last Thursday I had an extremely emotional day at work. The day was laden with medical emergencies, protecting students from themselves, everyone person having to pitch in, etc. I had to deliver some devastating news to one of my students that is already emotionally fragile. I was sitting at bowling thinking about her and hoping that I did not get a phone call from her dad saying she had given up. A couple of hours into bowling I missed a call. It was from an unknown 719 number. I immediately called the number back hoping that something had not happened to my mom or Gary. When the person on the other line picked up she said that she is a case worker with Hope's Promise. I turned around and yelled at Derek that it was "the call." I started jogging to get outside of the building so we could talk to her. From my view Derek was walking slowly!
Once we got outside she told us that we had been chosen by a birth family that evening. She told us about the birth family and wanted to know when we could meet. The birth mother had two requests, she wanted to meet as soon as possible and wanted to meet at Mimi's Cafe so she could have the turkey dinner. As any good waiting couple would do, we agreed! We decided that Sunday evening Derek, myself, the case worker, the birth mother, the birth father, the birth father's mom and step-father and the birth mother's parents would meet for the first time. At the conclusion of the conversation the case worker said that the birth parents wanted to know if we were excited. I said that we were ecstatic and could not believe that it was our time! Derek and I were both in such shock that our bowling went down the tubes for the night!
When bowling was over I had to tell someone that we had been picked. Since we have entered the pool my mom has had the same reaction as I have had to the phone ringing, a jump. We never knew when our call might come so in the back of our minds we always wondered if this caller was the one. I told my mom a couple of months ago that she would not be getting the news over the phone so that excluded her from the first conversation. I sent a text to my brother Todd at 11:00 PM on the east coast telling him to call me ASAP. He called right away. I shared the news and the excitement with him. While I was on the phone with him my other brother, Mark called. I told him as well. I gave both of them very strict instructions that they were not allowed to tell mom anything. I wanted to come up with something special to give her the news.
On Friday we had a professional development day at work. My department attended the first part of the day that included announcements, celebrations, etc. While we sat there I was trying to determine whether I should tell them or not. When we left the meeting we were gathered chatting about all of the things that had been so difficult all week. I got to a point that something positive had to be said so I asked "can I tell you some good news?" Both of my coworkers turned to me and said sure. I followed with "Derek and I have to plan our Baby Moon." Both of them burst out in tears because they have been on the rollercoaster with me every day. They could not believe the news either. It was the news that we all needed to get through the day and finish off the week on a positive note.
On Sunday we went to our match meeting with the whole group. There was a lot of nervous energy at first as we didn't know what we were going to be talking about. The number of things in common with each person around the table was amazing. It even got down to the birth father's best friend having the same name that we plan to name a boy, Taden. It is not a common name so Derek and I were shocked when he said it.
At the conclusion of the meeting the caseworker said she was going to talk with us on Tuesday to see if we felt that this was a match. I knew from the moment we started talking that it was. Every detail was meeting every expectation we have had from the beginning. Derek and I sat there so thankful because we were getting the best possible scenario, but we had to wait to make sure the feeling was mutual.
First thing this morning I left a message with our caseworker that as far as Derek and I were concerned it was a match. She said she would share it with the birth family's caseworker and she would be letting us know. We were expecting the call to come tomorrow, but I just got off the phone with her. We are officially matched! Phone numbers will be exchanged and we can start to build our relationship over the next 19 weeks as we await the birth of our baby. Our next meeting will be over frozen yogurt and Derek and I cannot wait!
Now that we are at this point we can be thankful for every struggle that we have endured and thought was unfair. I can say that we have prepared a home and will continue to prepare a home for the homecoming of our child in September!
P.S. Diapers are needed because those things are expensive!!!!!
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Preparing a Home
Our adoption agency, Hope's Promise, sends out a monthly newsletter to waiting families with some interesting articles and tips on how to get through the wait. This month's just arrived in my inbox. I always open them eagerly because there are typically updates on the number of birth families in the deciding to make an adoption plan, the number of placements and any upcoming news. The updates are a way to continue hoping that our arms will soon be filled with a child. This month the director of our agency, Paula Freeman, shared her thoughts:
"Several months ago I met with three colleagues in my office, each of us adoptive parents whose journey included parenting territory for which there was no reliable road map. We discussed the un-arguable need for post adoption services and how Hope’s Promise might help to meet them.
"Paula, if resources were no object," Mary asked, "where would you begin?"
That’s one of the best questions anyone has ever asked me; I still ponder it. At the time, however, I shared two thoughts. First, I’d like to educate the American church. We’ve missed the point. It’s not about a program or a project. It’s not just about missions and love and feeding the orphans. It’s about the heart! It’s about embracing brokenness, supporting those who build their family through adoption and helping to create grace-filled faith communities.
Secondly, I want to prepare families for the differences of adoptive parenthood. That includes holding appropriate expectations, recognizing children may come with compromised beginnings and encouraging parents to identify their own wounds and allow God to begin a healing process in them before their child arrives.
In the months ahead we’ll use this space to do just that…to encourage, educate and challenge one another to embrace this wait as time to prepare a place. We’ll allow God to heal our hearts and make His thoughts our thoughts. We’ll consider how to include family members and build healthy support teams."
Derek and I went into our adoption with this Christian agency knowing that there was a lot of improvment that we needed to make when it came to our spirituality, church attendance and involvement in church. We do not consider ourselves Bible Thumpers or devout Christians by any means. We would often joke about how we needed to become more "Godly." We continue to talk on a regular basis about the reasons that we chose to celebrate Methodism. We appreciate their willingness to meet us where ever we are in our journey with God, their openness to every type of person that may enter their doors and the lack of guilt that is put on us for not attending church regularly. We feel that we can be our true selves every time we walk through the church doors. We find that we are thankful that we can believe that God is a man, woman, spirit, living in Heaven, etc. or we don't have to believe any of those things. When I read the words from Paula today it struck a cord in me. Even though we are not consistent church-goers we are still relying on God to show us our adoption path.
When we entered the pool at the end of January I was hoping for a short wait time because my arms have been yearning for a child as long as I remember. As we saw two friends that are part of our adoption support group bring home their babies I began to wonder where my path was leading me.
I put away my guilt for not being a better Methodist and started relying on God. I would pray that he would give me signs that I am doing the right things to prepare for a parenting journey that will be unique, challenging and more fulfilling than anything else I have ever done. I quickly began to find things that I needed to work on and most of it was guilt. I still struggle with the fact that I made the choice to have a hysterectomy at sixteen. I actually do not think that I truly grieved the inability to have my own children until I married Derek. I would often apologize to him for making the choice that I did. He would look at me like I was crazy because he went into this knowing adoption would be our journey. In order to settle my heart about this issue I had to quit apologizing. I had to become comfortable in the fact that I now had to give up control to God and the birth family that is choosing their jouney to grant us a family. Other than guilt I had and still have to learn to be patient. I cannot control the process. Changing our book, going to church more, going out of town, skipping things because I am have a bad "wait day" will not make the process any faster. God has already made our path and even though I don't know when our adoption journey will turn to a parenting journey I had and still have to learn to trust in the process. I have spent a lot of time in the last three months reading books about adoption, talking with others that have experienced adoption and those that have not. About a month ago I finally said, "Okay God, this is up to you and I am okay waiting for the child that Derek and I have dreamed of." When I said it I was able to mean it. I am okay with having to wait as I know that every day I am waiting I am stronger and have lived another day learning to let guilt go and patience. Today I am doing exactly what Paula hopes to give to the families giving and receiving in her business. We are learning to be encouraged, educated and challenged to embrace this wait as time to prepare a place. We’ll allow God to heal our hearts and make His thoughts our thoughts.
In the last week or so I have found a place of peace. I cannot believe how calm I feel. I give credit to my therapist, my co-workers and now God. Even though I am not as faithful as I should be he is still looking out for me and showing me the path to parenthood. At the end of her article Paula left this prayer: "Father, help me see this time of waiting through your eyes. My heart aches and my arms long to hold the child you have for me. I trust your appointed time. Help me to prepare a place that would honor you as I wait." This is the prayer that I have been saying since I have given it up to God. I am so thankful that I am being forced to make myself a better person so I can be a better mother, Derek can be a better father and our home can be the best for the child that God has chosen for us.
"Several months ago I met with three colleagues in my office, each of us adoptive parents whose journey included parenting territory for which there was no reliable road map. We discussed the un-arguable need for post adoption services and how Hope’s Promise might help to meet them.
"Paula, if resources were no object," Mary asked, "where would you begin?"
That’s one of the best questions anyone has ever asked me; I still ponder it. At the time, however, I shared two thoughts. First, I’d like to educate the American church. We’ve missed the point. It’s not about a program or a project. It’s not just about missions and love and feeding the orphans. It’s about the heart! It’s about embracing brokenness, supporting those who build their family through adoption and helping to create grace-filled faith communities.
Secondly, I want to prepare families for the differences of adoptive parenthood. That includes holding appropriate expectations, recognizing children may come with compromised beginnings and encouraging parents to identify their own wounds and allow God to begin a healing process in them before their child arrives.
In the months ahead we’ll use this space to do just that…to encourage, educate and challenge one another to embrace this wait as time to prepare a place. We’ll allow God to heal our hearts and make His thoughts our thoughts. We’ll consider how to include family members and build healthy support teams."
Derek and I went into our adoption with this Christian agency knowing that there was a lot of improvment that we needed to make when it came to our spirituality, church attendance and involvement in church. We do not consider ourselves Bible Thumpers or devout Christians by any means. We would often joke about how we needed to become more "Godly." We continue to talk on a regular basis about the reasons that we chose to celebrate Methodism. We appreciate their willingness to meet us where ever we are in our journey with God, their openness to every type of person that may enter their doors and the lack of guilt that is put on us for not attending church regularly. We feel that we can be our true selves every time we walk through the church doors. We find that we are thankful that we can believe that God is a man, woman, spirit, living in Heaven, etc. or we don't have to believe any of those things. When I read the words from Paula today it struck a cord in me. Even though we are not consistent church-goers we are still relying on God to show us our adoption path.
When we entered the pool at the end of January I was hoping for a short wait time because my arms have been yearning for a child as long as I remember. As we saw two friends that are part of our adoption support group bring home their babies I began to wonder where my path was leading me.
I put away my guilt for not being a better Methodist and started relying on God. I would pray that he would give me signs that I am doing the right things to prepare for a parenting journey that will be unique, challenging and more fulfilling than anything else I have ever done. I quickly began to find things that I needed to work on and most of it was guilt. I still struggle with the fact that I made the choice to have a hysterectomy at sixteen. I actually do not think that I truly grieved the inability to have my own children until I married Derek. I would often apologize to him for making the choice that I did. He would look at me like I was crazy because he went into this knowing adoption would be our journey. In order to settle my heart about this issue I had to quit apologizing. I had to become comfortable in the fact that I now had to give up control to God and the birth family that is choosing their jouney to grant us a family. Other than guilt I had and still have to learn to be patient. I cannot control the process. Changing our book, going to church more, going out of town, skipping things because I am have a bad "wait day" will not make the process any faster. God has already made our path and even though I don't know when our adoption journey will turn to a parenting journey I had and still have to learn to trust in the process. I have spent a lot of time in the last three months reading books about adoption, talking with others that have experienced adoption and those that have not. About a month ago I finally said, "Okay God, this is up to you and I am okay waiting for the child that Derek and I have dreamed of." When I said it I was able to mean it. I am okay with having to wait as I know that every day I am waiting I am stronger and have lived another day learning to let guilt go and patience. Today I am doing exactly what Paula hopes to give to the families giving and receiving in her business. We are learning to be encouraged, educated and challenged to embrace this wait as time to prepare a place. We’ll allow God to heal our hearts and make His thoughts our thoughts.
In the last week or so I have found a place of peace. I cannot believe how calm I feel. I give credit to my therapist, my co-workers and now God. Even though I am not as faithful as I should be he is still looking out for me and showing me the path to parenthood. At the end of her article Paula left this prayer: "Father, help me see this time of waiting through your eyes. My heart aches and my arms long to hold the child you have for me. I trust your appointed time. Help me to prepare a place that would honor you as I wait." This is the prayer that I have been saying since I have given it up to God. I am so thankful that I am being forced to make myself a better person so I can be a better mother, Derek can be a better father and our home can be the best for the child that God has chosen for us.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Baby Moon?
Derek and I love to travel. I had never had a "real" vacation until I met him. Growing up we always traveled to see family and oftentimes that is not a vacation! Some of the happiest memories in Derek and I's relationship are from our trips together.
Working for the school system gives us an advantage because we are guaranteed at least three vacations a year, Fall Break, Spring Break and Summer. We make sure that we use each one wisely to get out of town and reset our minds with some relaxation. We had talked for many months about taking another cruise to celebrate my 30th birthday. We looked into some cruises and were discussing where we wanted to go. When we were discussing this we were still in the approval phase of our adoption journey. Once we entered the waiting period of this voyage I found myself with a lot of anxiety around being out of town when we received the call. I quickly put a halt on all plans for a vacation during Spring Break and possibly over the summer. I said ABSOLUTELY NO to a cruise. Derek was disappointed because he had his heart set on traveling more before our voyage as parents began. There were a couple of weeks that we spent being unhappy at each other because of my anxiety level around traveling.
About ten days before I made the decision that we did not know when the match was going to happen so we better live it up! We planned a trip to New York City for Spring Break. This is a place that I have never been even though I have been to the East Coast numerous times to visit my brothers. I also know that this is not a place that I would be seeing in the next ten to fifteen years if we didn't go now. Derek has seen the Big Apple once before so a lot of it is going to be repeat for him.
So, I am confronting my anxiety and getting on a plane to go across the country for what could very possibly be our Babymoon!
Working for the school system gives us an advantage because we are guaranteed at least three vacations a year, Fall Break, Spring Break and Summer. We make sure that we use each one wisely to get out of town and reset our minds with some relaxation. We had talked for many months about taking another cruise to celebrate my 30th birthday. We looked into some cruises and were discussing where we wanted to go. When we were discussing this we were still in the approval phase of our adoption journey. Once we entered the waiting period of this voyage I found myself with a lot of anxiety around being out of town when we received the call. I quickly put a halt on all plans for a vacation during Spring Break and possibly over the summer. I said ABSOLUTELY NO to a cruise. Derek was disappointed because he had his heart set on traveling more before our voyage as parents began. There were a couple of weeks that we spent being unhappy at each other because of my anxiety level around traveling.
About ten days before I made the decision that we did not know when the match was going to happen so we better live it up! We planned a trip to New York City for Spring Break. This is a place that I have never been even though I have been to the East Coast numerous times to visit my brothers. I also know that this is not a place that I would be seeing in the next ten to fifteen years if we didn't go now. Derek has seen the Big Apple once before so a lot of it is going to be repeat for him.
So, I am confronting my anxiety and getting on a plane to go across the country for what could very possibly be our Babymoon!
Monday, March 19, 2012
The Profile Showing . . .
In the open adoption process there are times that we know our profile book is being shown. At other times we do not know that it is happening.
When Derek and I were going through the process we had to identify the "type" of child we were willing to take. We had to decide how much alcohol, drug and tobacco use during pregnancy would be acceptable to us. We also had to decide the gamete of mental health issues in the birth family that we were willing to deal with (Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Schizophrenia, etc.). There were many contributing factors that we had to decide upon as we cannot expect that birth mother's are taking the same precautions that we would during pregnancy.
When there is a profile showing that is beyond our preset parameters the agency sends us some background information on a birth mother. The information includes age, location, pregnancy health, family medical history and access to medical insurance. Derek and I then discuss the situation and make a decision on whether or not we want our profile shown.
In our process we have received two of these notifications. We decided to say yes to both. There wasn't anything reported that we did not feel that we could handle. Once we say yes we sit around until the profile showing day and then spend the next few days awaiting a call from the agency. Both times we have received an email that the birth mothers have chosen a different family.
It is a bittersweet feeling during this time because we do not know if it is our time or not. I spend time thinking about what I could have done differently and sending positive vibes and prayers to the birth family. Once we hear that we were not chosen there is a period of sadness because we have to continue waiting yet there is a level of excitement for the family that has been chosen. Each time we tell ourselves that this was not our baby (not that we always believe it). We have become very creative at telling ourselves things to help us feel better about the situation yet we still find ourselves wondering when it will be our time.
Needless to say it has been an emotional roller coaster as we head into Spring and soon Summer. We can only hope that our wait will be short, but we know that it is all in God's plan and it will happen when it is time.
When Derek and I were going through the process we had to identify the "type" of child we were willing to take. We had to decide how much alcohol, drug and tobacco use during pregnancy would be acceptable to us. We also had to decide the gamete of mental health issues in the birth family that we were willing to deal with (Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Schizophrenia, etc.). There were many contributing factors that we had to decide upon as we cannot expect that birth mother's are taking the same precautions that we would during pregnancy.
When there is a profile showing that is beyond our preset parameters the agency sends us some background information on a birth mother. The information includes age, location, pregnancy health, family medical history and access to medical insurance. Derek and I then discuss the situation and make a decision on whether or not we want our profile shown.
In our process we have received two of these notifications. We decided to say yes to both. There wasn't anything reported that we did not feel that we could handle. Once we say yes we sit around until the profile showing day and then spend the next few days awaiting a call from the agency. Both times we have received an email that the birth mothers have chosen a different family.
It is a bittersweet feeling during this time because we do not know if it is our time or not. I spend time thinking about what I could have done differently and sending positive vibes and prayers to the birth family. Once we hear that we were not chosen there is a period of sadness because we have to continue waiting yet there is a level of excitement for the family that has been chosen. Each time we tell ourselves that this was not our baby (not that we always believe it). We have become very creative at telling ourselves things to help us feel better about the situation yet we still find ourselves wondering when it will be our time.
Needless to say it has been an emotional roller coaster as we head into Spring and soon Summer. We can only hope that our wait will be short, but we know that it is all in God's plan and it will happen when it is time.
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